Growing up I was told constantly that I needed to "soften" my personality. Be more "girly". Dress more "conservatively". Lose more weight. I was not enough for my mother. I think she wanted someone more quiet and feminine (whatever that meant). She wanted a daughter who did as she was told and never spoke her mind. My personality lead to us fighting and me distancing myself from her. I started to escape into books and fantasy worlds. The more I escaped the harder she held on. I was told that I couldn't talk about my passions or get too excited about anything. It left me feeling lost and confused. Why wasn't I enough? Were all of my interests stupid of wierd? Over the years my mental block grew. I told myself over and over that I was not good enough and being myself was unacceptable.
The emotional control statements happened almost every day. "Stop being so sad." "Don't be so angry theres nothing to be angry about." "Stop showing that you're annoyed, that's rude." "You're being too loud again, stop that." "You're so bossy stop that." "No boy will like that, this is why you're single." OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And then..."Why don't you tell me more?" "We are all going through things." "You can't do that." "You spend too much time in your own head." "Why don't you go out more?" "Why do you stay in your room?" "You're so quirky, try and tone it down."
Anyone who says my fmaily was trying to help, shut the fuck up. They were damaging me and despite me pleading with them to stop, it didn't. They rode my reactions off as being "dramatic" or "immature". Only contributing to my fragile self esteem, anxiety and eventual depression. I spent a year strict dieting and running constantly. The entire time suicidal and depressed.
Then Sir came into my life. I was allowed to be myself. For the first time in years I was allowed to be myself. I was suddenly allowed to be fragile, and strong when appropriate. I was allowed to express my interests without being judged. He wonders why I constantly apologize and self depricate. I wish he could have been there earlier. I wish he could have known that there was someone who actually thought I was a beautiful person. Whatever he wants, he shall have, because he's given me a beautiful gift...the ability to just be.
