Indigo Blue

SoaringFree​(sub female) - I think our eagerness to please our Dom is what causes that to happen. I know that in the past. sometimes my Dom's word choice or moods will play tricks with my mind and I will end up almost fabricating issues where there aren't any. This could be disappointing him, jealousy, brattiness, etc. I would end up down and depressed and really you have to force your trust in Him and believe what He says and get the crap out of your head. It's not easy but being vulnerable isn't easy either. Believe in Him.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Indigo, firstly, I'm glad your back is on the mend. I can't imagine your struggles for mobility again.

Second, "Thank you for your service and sacrifice" (to Beast).

Thirdly, I have a long history being in relationships with members of the military/police...and more recently, EMS/Fire. Without question, they all have PTSD, the military members being the worst affected.

I also have PTSD so when they were in their emotional dysregulation (and that's what it is), I am able to draw on my own coping skills and feelings to help them (as best I can and as much as they allow). Yes, you feel small and helpless to help them but that's because, as submissives, it's our JOB to be of service. That feeling is made worse when they resist our help.

Sometimes, you have to stand in the way (dispassionately) and allow them to direct their rage at you. You have to become their safe harbor, withoit judgement or pity. The problem is......you have to understand their perspective. They have horrific stories locked inside and sometimes, the only ones who can help them are people who have those same horror stories.

Share any of yours that may match his feelings. Remember, the feelings are coming out NOW because they had to be set aside THEN in order to survive.

Being a MilSo (military significant other) is hard duty. We don't get the training they do to survive the battles. We are the soft blanket they need in order to be vulnerable and sometimes, she get the worst of it.

He may not share the horror with you in an attempt to protect you and shield you. It may mean that you have to read the stories of other veterans in order to understand a small FRACTION of what he went through.

And hold him when the nightmares come. Hold him quietly and allow him to be afraid. Allow him to be angry. Allow him to grieve. Don't shush him, don't say "it'll be ok". Just BE. Be the ear, the safe arms, the tissue, the warm blanket.

My box is open should you need to talk.

Indigolover{Beast} - OMG thank you soooooo much for the invitation. I will be messaging you

LilMissB​(masochist female){Tradesman} - I'm the same exact way with mine... thank you for sharing. It's very relatable! I hope you have a quick recovery! 🖤🖤

Bunnie - I was not long ago given a gift in the guise of a phrase. It has been such a valuable tool not only for myself, but of course for those I care about. Normally I would make assumptions about what someone needs based on my own needs, and then I would get confused and frustrated and scared and angry at myself, when I became at a loss as to how to help them. At an M/s zoom meeting not long ago we were discussing how to support each other. A Master shared how He and his girl offer support in those times when either are struggling within their own internal conflict. They simply approach the other and ask, ‘what do you need from me in this moment?’
This opens a beautiful space for the one struggling to feel seen and heard. It also allows the one asking to show they care, and creates an opportunity to help in a way that is needed, in whatever way that may look… even if it’s just allowing some space and time. It opens that dialogue to take away the demons of unknown, so that both can let go (of feeling like a burden or feeling the need to fix), and simply allow the moment to pass as is needed.

I used this recently for the first time, and the difference in everything was incredible. So much so that I sent that Master a message to thank Him for giving me what feels like a life changing communication tool.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - That is a great phrase and one I've TRIED to use before. My old Dom spent too many years in Special Forces (26) so he stayed closed lipped, which I can understand. He didn't want to relive them but that's also why he was struggling, because he wouldn't.

Bunnie - There is a reason it’s phrased exactly as said… because it helps us, the asker, to remove our expectation of how the way in which we help, should look… helping to avoid making the mistake of assuming. And also giving them their power of having a “voice,” even if it’s to say, ‘I need a moment to myself,’ in a moment when they most definitely need it. I found it really helped me to be able to remove myself completely from the equation, and hadn’t even realised that by assuming I knew what they needed without allowing them to tell me, and honouring that, I had been making it about me.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - An EXCELLENT point and yes, I agree that it definitely helps us in the expectations area. The problem lays when they say "I need a moment" and then never address the elephant in the room. THATS where the problem REALLY lays, in not returning to the issue/memory once the emotions are regulated again. While some men with PTSD can talk about it in a calmer state, mine never did. I had to constantly adjust how I beat the information out of him depending on the moment. Lol!

Bunnie - Lol I was just coming back to add exactly that. I agree, there does need to be a willingness to communicate.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - And THAT is what I meant when I said that "he was struggling because he wouldn't.". I don't mind waiting till the emotions pass. I don't mind helping to deregulate. What pisses me off is when these warriors who have faced countless bullets, can't face the ones coming from their own minds. It's not the memories or past experiences that are the problem, it's the fear! Fear is the enemy.