You ever sit there and turn the radio on, then bam a song from the past comes on and brings so much emotion and pain associated from the memories?
The power of music can bring you up or send you to a furious crash of pain and emotion.
The sound of heart and soul being poured into a deep melodic tune can bring even the strongest to their knees.
A song come on the radio as I was driving back to the semi, brought such pain of the memories I made with her. It hit so hard I had to pull over and just sit there. Like I felt so disassociated with myself, I looked at myself in the mirror and seen myself.
Looking in the mirror I was atleast 150lbs smaller, dark circles around my eyes and unkempt hair and beard like I was super sick. Almost like a cancer patient thats not having a good go at things. My eyes looked empty and bare.
I feel like this disassociation is part of the cosmos telling me change my ways but at the same time I feel helplessly paralyzed in fear, debt and loneliness.
Im alright being alone but the loneliness associated with it is what needs to go away. I absolutely am disgusted by my body and the way it looks, I hate that I smoke again, I hate that I can't get my life together to save my ass.
Im always left behind, pushed away, rejected and it almost seems like nobody gives a damn if my mental health is doing good. Im trying my hardest to get things straightened out. I want to be happy too like everyone else around me. I want to have a family of my own too. Id give everything to have a son of my own. A son I can take fishin, hunting and teach him to be better in life than I was.
Mental exertion and childhood trauma can severely affect a man thats been told all his life to "suck it up like a man" or "youre less of a man if you cry about your feelings" or the shittiest one yet, "take it like a man you pussy."
I dont know anymore. Most of the time I just want it to end as if I have nothing to look forward to. Staring out of a windshield making miles and money, enough to finance a home and newer vehicle doesn't make me happy like it should and I can't understand why I feel this way or how to stop feeling this way. Guess we just wait and see.
Later friends. Catch you on the flip side