Do you ever find that you have days where you're just inexplicably... emotional? Sensitive?
I don't mean in the way that, say, you cry because a flower lost its petals, or you laugh hysterically at something that happened 37.6 years ago. Those days do happen, but that's not today - not for me, at least.
Today is one of those days when my longing takes a stronger hold than usual; my longing for somebody... my person.
I'm not ready nor looking for a relationship. I fear that I will never feel prepared or at the right place for one, or that I will simply never find my person; I'm terrified to even think of that. However, there are days when my ever-present desire for one becomes impossible to ignore, to not feel.
Such a dichotomy of emotions. Fear, and a longing for love.
I want my partner; somebody to talk to; somebody to be there for me, and somebody that I can be there for; somebody that I can lie on the couch next to in the evening, completely at ease in our silence; somebody that I can comfort and provide for; somebody that I can cook and clean for; somebody that will smile because I made them proud and laugh because I did or said something stupid again; somebody that will let me cheat at Monopoly, tolerate my horrible singing, teach me something new, help me learn a new instrument, chuckle at another burnt loaf of bread, and sigh in resignation when they learn of my math skills; somebody that will be happy when I do something that they asked of me, and delighted when I do it even before I was asked; somebody that will play with my hair when I'm curled up at their feet; somebody that I can give my entire being to and trust that I will always be okay in their care; somebody that I can open up to and share my thoughts/feelings/desires/emotions with, and somebody that will do the same with me; somebody that trusts me enough to be completely open, honest, and vulnerable with me, and know that I will be content simply to listen, free of all judgment; somebody who knows that sometimes I just don't feel like talking, and they can talk enough for the two of us while I just listen; somebody that can speak for me in circumstances where I'm anxious, nervous, or uncomfortable; somebody that isn't afraid to speak their mind and their truth; somebody who, even though they may be the protector, knows that I will always be there for them when they need me, standing tall at their side; somebody who hangs my drawings up on the fridge, knows what I want for dinner when even I don't know, and knows how I make my tea or what juice I like; somebody that knows when I just want, or even need, to be held; somebody who knows that I am happiest at home in their company, and that I don't need nor want constant socializing and outings; somebody who knows that they are my ultimate comfort, my unyielding protection, my safe haven, my serenity, and somebody that grants me the utmost privilege of being the same for them; somebody who helps to ensure that our love lasts a few eternities; somebody who is my heart and soul - my everything.
There are so many feelings and things that my entire being yearns for, but some of them just can't be put into words. Some things that my heart wants but doesn't care to share with my brain. Things that really can't be vocalized no matter how much I want to, simply because talking about it helps to ease the pain of wanting to reach for something but knowing that you're too far away to grab it just yet.
Longing just kinda sucks.
These days - when those thoughts and feelings ring a constant, piercing church bell in my mind - suck.
Knowing that this pining and hurt is always present but that I am not at all ready for a relationship really, really sucks.
To all three of those: "You can go suck a f-ck"
"The search for God is absurd?"
"It is if everyone dies alone."
"Does that scare you?"
"I don't want to be alone.”
