**I have had this sitting in my drafts for about two weeks now (though I edited it a tiny bit today to make it current) but hadn't wanted to post it. If ever there is a time, it would probably be now. Apologies for this being way more than 5 things. Whoopsie**
One thing that I have always been good at in life is picking out my flaws and imperfections; I see everything that I dislike about myself (physically, mentally, emotionally) but have never pointed out things that I like about myself. Reason being, I really can't think of anything.
There is not one thing about myself that I can truly say I love. There are things that I can convince myself I like or value, but nothing that I love. I can't remember the last time I felt love for myself.
This is a big part of why I'm so adamant on not looking for a relationship right now - I can not and do not expect another person to fix me, to love me when I don't even love myself. A partner should always be there to help and support, but they are not (in my opinion) a therapist. It's not their job to heal me. I refuse to give myself over to another person, broken and in pieces, and make it their responsibility to mend me. I want to be as close to my best self as I can get on my own before I give myself to another, because they will deserve nothing less than that. I want to put all of my effort and love, my everything, into my partner; I can't do that if I'm desperately trying to fix myself at the same time.
Something that I have really been trying to work on recently is finding love for myself, finding positive traits about myself, and becoming more confident in myself. I fixate on my bad traits, but I have a terrible time even finding any positive ones. I am making an effort to change that. I am making an effort to be more open and in touch with my emotions. I am making an effort to acknowledge both bad and good traits, because I can't try to better my flaws if I start to only focus on the positive. There always needs to be balance.
I'm writing this not only to be more open, but to hold myself accountable as well. If it's written down and seen by others (even though nobody is going to bother reading all of this - totally understandable), then I darn well better stick to my word, right?
Some of my "perceived" negative traits:
- I am incredibly insecure in all things
- I have fairly bad anxiety, though I have learned how to control a lot of it in the moment. I've also learned how to talk myself down from anxiety attacks for the most part (they're silent, people often dont notice when I'm having one, so that was kind of a necessity, haha!)
- I'm very introverted, which can be a bad combination with anxiety. I have a lot of trouble simply talking to other people on the phone (even texting) and, unless I know them well and have become comfortable with them, will avoid it at all cost.
- I am painfully shy, awkward, and socially inept. I also have no clue how to act around somebody I like, nor have I ever had the courage to tell said person how I feel; I've lost contact with people that I truly cared about because of it, and have regretted it ever since.
- I have more chunk than a chocolate cookie. I've always longed to be short, cute, thin, and petite - in reality, I'm built more like an extra-wide receiver.
- I am a listener and observer above all else, so I find it difficult to have written conversations with people only because I have to come up with something to say in response - it always sounds awkward and/or self centered, without fail. People can't tell that I'm simply enjoying listening and learning over a message, so obviously I have to respond with something! I am an incredibly curious person, always love to learn, and have questions I'd like to ask people; I try not to do that, because even though I greatly appreciate and value people's answers, the only response that I can ever think of is "That's so interesting to learn! Thank you for telling me!" It's annoying even to my own ears ?
- I can be a very jealous and territorial person; traits that are incredibly desirable (to me) in a partner, but entirely unattractive in myself
- I feel too much. It can be a good thing, but I experience a lot of pain most of the time, which becomes... something that makes it easier to detach from my emotions
- Math. Nough said.
- I am really uncomfortable with expressing femininity - something that I seriously need to work on considering that I am, in fact, a female.
- I become attached to people very easily, and find it nearly impossible to let go of them if need be (not in a creepy stalker nutball way, but emotionally)
- I am quite uncomfortable with and unused to intimacy at the moment. I am clueless as to how to respond to it and feel entirely out of my depth.
- Oh, you flirted with me? 99.9% chance I had no clue. ...sorry
- I am absolutely horrible at trying to condense my thoughts and not write entire books every time I have something to say, which is odd considering that, in my everyday life, I don't actually speak anywhere near that much ?
My "perceived" positive traits:
- I can love with my entire being. I have never been in love, but once I am, I highly doubt that I will ever have a desire to take back ownership of my heart, for it will no longer be my own
- I am fiercely loyal and devoted to friends/loved ones
- I will always try to share in the interests of people I care about, even if I'd previously had no interest in it myself. If you like a game, I'll play it with you. If you like a show or movie, I'll watch it too (by the way, if by any chance you're reading this, that catapulting cow made me laugh harder than I have in a good while)
- I can empathize with people, and I (if it is welcomed) will always try to make somebody feel at least a little bit better. If you're happy, I'll be happy with you. If you're in pain, I will sit with you and listen to whatever you need to talk about; if you don't want me to respond or try to ease your hurt, I will absolutely respect that. I completely understand that people just need to vent sometimes.
- I've made it one of my goals in life to never be a liar; I grew up with a pathological liar and I R.E.F.U.S.E. to become that. I loathe it.
- I will never break somebody's trust that they have placed in me; even if you're a stranger to me, I will not betray that (providing they didn't ask me to cover up a murder or something. If you're a loved one, however, we might be able to talk. Meet me in the park at midnight. Bring a shovel.)
- I'm not a murderer.
- Some might say that I have a sense of humor
- Others might say that I need therapy
- I can throw in a music, show, or movie reference pretty much anywhere. Most people never understand them.
- My blog before last had 3 whole Donnie Darko references in it. Nobody noticed them.
- I am a dingity darn good cook, if I do say so myself
- I don't know if this is a positive or negative trait, but I tend to pick up a few mannerisms of people that I've talked to for a while, though I'm not sure why
- I am very lighthearted about most things, go with the flow, and almost always stay calm. It's not very easy to get me upset, and if you've somehow managed to get me truly ANGRY... it must be a talent of yours
- I'm not afraid to speak my thoughts, have my own opinions/beliefs, or speak up for somebody I care about/something I believe in. I'm quiet and shy, but I am not timid nor a pushover - I have a voice, and I will use it if need arises.
- I am always down and delighted to play a game with somebody - be it board games, video games, card games, whatever. I just love the interaction, and it has always felt... intimate to me, in a special way.
- Once again, I am an observer/listener, meaning I can sometimes notice things about somebody that other people don't tend to. Among other things, this can help me to change how I might do something so that it is better suited to that person. For instance - my sister-in-law loves when I make food for her, but I noticed that she always ate around mushrooms (even though she never said anything to me), so I stopped using them when making something for her. A stupid example, but it helps to explain what I mean
- I will always be there for the people that I care(d) about; even if we haven't talked in years and went our own way, my door will always be open for them with a mug of warm tea on the table
- I am working on bettering myself, no matter how hard that may be. This blog is but one of many steps on that journey.
"If you believe in yourself,
with a tiny pinch of magic all your dreams can come true!"
