[Some rumbling rubbish, I wrote but never posted. Are you a Monster or do you wear Mask?]
Have you ever wondered if you was born in a time that wasn't the same as you?
I often find myself alone in room full of people at a masquerade ball. I find that telling someone what I'm looking for is just asking to be lied to, yet if nobody says nothing, nobody gets anywhere. At this ball of trying to meet people nearly everyone likes my costume... I'm a Monster. They see the way I dance and wish to be my partner on the floor. They see the smoldering in my eyes and they yearn to feel that PASSION! They heard the growl undertone of my honeyed words and they wish to be put beneath the fangs and claws. All while the honeyed words touch their ego on how I see them in their costume... I wish the Ball would never end. I prefer to live in the fantasy everyday of my life because when the ball ends, and the mask come off... I am the only Monster left on the floor.
My costume wasn't fake, my passion wasn't a show, my growl is now feared and all the honeyed words are seen as a lore to make them my victim...
I listen to them yell at me, tell me how I'm hurting them by my mere presence, how I'm the evil that causes their trigger and they pull out their proverbial dagger and descend on me without care.
I take it. I'm a Monster, I've been through worse and if I release in retaliation... How many will survive our anger? What is the cost of emotionally induced vengeance upon a people who can not tolerant or endure your very presence? What will it change... In them... In me? Will I be more apt to give in to my Monstrosity in the future and at what point will enough be enough?
I showed up to the ball as myself, I was not the one in deception. I said I was a Monster, a seducing king of blood and desire who lives for the passion, the connection and hunt. I told how I viewed them and what I wished to do and because they are so wrapped up in their delusions of lies... My truth was ignored. Yet it's my fault... But of course it is... I.. am a monster. I lack empathy, therefore I must not be conscious of how my choices affect those around me. I lack sympathy, therefore I must not have emotions. Yet in situations that would require either, I mimic what I've seen or I sit silently to keep from making the matters worse. Lacking both of these also means I struggle with compassion, therefore I must not be able to feel things like love, concern, or depth of emotion... but then... Why am I not Monstrous all the time?
I do not feel empathy for me, I am a Monster and was born this way. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't feel Sympathy for myself because I'm a Monster, and I've nothing to be sorry for just because I am a Monster. I have no Compassion for myself because as a Monster I would have to say that something is "inherently wrong" with me being a monster and that would justify my own Monstrosity and Monstrous behavior...
However as a Monster, I'm far kinder than most of those on the ball room floor. I'm honest. I'm intimidating. I'm gruff but I love to laugh. I'm passionate and full of silliness. I live in a fantasy where I can be human and humans are nice and some are pretty... And want to be seen as pretty so that a Monster like me can look upon all their beauty and marvel.
But when the veil falls at the end of the day... I am a Monster and Monster aren't pretty. We aren't cute or adorable. We are the things that go bump in the night, causing horror and terror. I am well aware and hyper sensitive of how we look in your human eyes. So I watch what we say, I learn to control our anger and our nature all so we can be with you. I don't talk about how many years we had to fight ourselves, by ourselves because nobody gives a fuck about the inner ticking of a monster... Well... Unless it's to study us. Use us for personal gain. I mean *snickers* isn't this the very purpose of Psychology? Study the monster, see why they think this and do that... But I digress.
If left to be me wherein I didn't care to be better or try to be human, I would tell people to fuck the hell, right off. Get over your childhood trauma from when you was 12... You're 30 to 40+ now and have yet to make a real positive difference in your character. Put away your victim mentality and start seeing that you are not a child anymore. They can't hurt you unless you let them. Your Monsters are not hiding under your fucking bed. You invited them in, you gave them a home in your mind and you demonize yourself while blaming them.
You Humans live in a delusion.
Monsters know we are Monsters. We either act monstrous because we can't get away from all the negativity that is forced on us or we strive to become better than.
I laugh louder
I find joy in simple things around me
I love deep
I forgive easy (even though my temper burns long and hot... I try not to let others see it)
I place our partners well-being before my own
I consider what I say BEFORE I say it and keep my fuckn mouth closed if I think it will hurt those I care for.
I take the cuts of others care-less ness and refuse to destroy them because of how it may affect those I love.
I bandage my mental and emotional wounds in silence because if we let people know that they hurt us, they'll only use it again the next time.
I acknowledge that I fuck up and I may not beg, but I ask for forgiveness. And then strive NOT to repeat the offense again...
Because I know I'm a Monster and I chose to be better than Monstrous.
I don't hide who I am and I have days where I struggle but I'm proud to be "this" me because of what I've achieved.
It just gets a lil fuckn lonely sometimes being one of the few not needing a mask in a room full of people who think they are at a masquerade ball.
