Rising from the ashes and dusting myself off...I feel FANTASTIC! Thanks to a repertoire of healthy coping skills, the clouds have lifted and I'm focused on the task at hand - getting off this probation!
I find our dynamic to be both psychology and physically stimulating. Since day one it's been a bit like Alice's trip down the rabbit hole. I am never bored. Occasionally frustrated, but He has a particular learning curve that requires the kind of effort I enjoy making.
I always have a puzzle to solve, even when He's away. As it stands now, I am on probation. To be released, I have to find a sub (female) to watch, and perhaps play with us. This would be easy if we were hunting together at a bar or wherever, but it's not a decent punishment if it's easy.
The punishment is more of an opportunity to make the kind of effort we both want from each other within the scope of our dynamic. More about the spectrum of effort in another post.
As a woman I do understand the complexity and vulnerability that exists with regard to playing with people we don't know on their turf, especially when the encounter involves more than one person and one of them is male. There's calculated risk and then there's recklessness. So, hunting on the internet is proving to be more challenging. There is no way for our potential sub to know that she isn't in danger of being kidnapped and locked up in a cabinet indefinitely. She can only be reassured by getting to know us, or at the very least meeting and talking to me.
I have two and a half weeks to find someone lest I subject myself to further withholding and that is UNACCEPTABLE. It seems I may need to venture out to a local club that caters to other like-minded people. I've never been there alone so this could be interesting or a big waste of time.