From Princess to Queen

I don't even know when it happened...I was happily enjoying the casual nature of our unique relationship, and then at some point I wanted something more.

Let me be clear, just the idea of emotional commitment makes my palms sweat. The idea freaks me right out because I'm terrified of losing my independence, of feeling even the slightest bit obligated, of going all-in with someone only to end up in a trainwreck.

Nevertheless, just before the lockdown I wanted to see where it might go if we actually dated. Incidentally, I'm not referring to monogamy. You can be emotionally committed to someone without being monogamous and that's not a restriction I'm interested in placing on Him or myself.

The thing is, I know one universal truth about human behavior. Emotionally unavailable people are only emotionally unavailable with people we're not genuinely interested in. When we're really into someone we'll move mountains to show them...even if we have a fearful-avoidant or dismissive-avoidant attachment style.

So, when He distanced Himself from me during a time when I was going through a difficult loss on top of another emotionally challenging situation, I knew we were on different pages...even without discussing it. The next time He texted me, I was cold and dismissive without explanation. My effort to put my cards on the table shortly after that was met with deafening silence.

Had it not been for the pandemic, I'd likely be on a plane on my way to Central America to re-enact John Cusack's boombox scene in "Say Anything." I guess we can both be thankful for small favors since neither of us want to go viral on social media for that very awkward display of affection.

As it pertains to BDSM, even though everything He did with me is what He does with everyone, it was special to me and for that reason I don't want to experience any of it with anyone else. 

There is a considerable challenge for two people who experienced emotional neglect or abuse in childhood trying to navigate this labyrinth.

Childhood scars are often tied to instability and as adults, we tend to unintentionally seek out ever-changing, unstable situations. We trust the unpredictability more than the illusion of security. It's what makes us so good at taking risks...except when it comes to our heart. We are very reluctant to go all-in. Instead, we're avoidant and evasive. We value autonomy over everything else which is why it's easier for us to cut ties than hold on. All the walls we built to protect ourselves have become preferences. I think the biggest misunderstanding about emotionally unavailable people is that we don't feel anything, but we do. We can feel deeply. Fortunately or unfortunately, we're adept at shutting down our emotions because that is how we've learned to survive.

My first sexual encounter with Him was in the midst of a turbulent time for me and after a relatively recent breakup for Him. I can only speculate about His emotional state at the time, but based on the passion behind the kiss, I'd say He was struggling as well.

As I said in a previous post, we pushed the envelope the very first time we were together despite hardly knowing each other. There is quite a bit of evidence to indicate that when any two people take a risk together, if attraction already exists, the experience will ignite an intense chemistry between them. Add in some emotional vulnerability and now you've got the perfect cocktail for trauma bonding.

So, here we are. Two emotionally unavailable adults sharing an unusual connection, but who are terrified either of our own feelings or the other person's, or both. The rollercoaster can be exciting or it can be painful. Right now, His absence and the silence that comes from it is stinging and I am doing what I do best.

Aside from the obvious concern for the general public, and for that of those in my circle, in addition I am highly annoyed that this pandemic has extended my probation.

I can't very well hunt for a hottie to watch or play with us while this nasty virus looms over the globe. To say nothing of my underlying anxiety over His absence due to Him being abroad, albeit safer where He is. It's the not knowing. Fewer cases and tougher travel restrictions could keep Him from exposer which is preferable. His harem stateside however, will be missing Him over the next few weeks.

Two weeks or more and I can't even distract myself with the hunt. What would I do? Show up in a hazmat suit to a meet and greet with our potential sub? That's not threatening at all.

"Hey there, cutie. Hope you're into Banksy, not touching, and a minimum of three feet of space between us for the next few weeks. I promise I'm not going to kidnap and quarantine you in a cabinet until He returns."

Instead, I'll pour myself into my now off-season training at the gym, reorganizing various items in my home, and burying myself in my books. If I had been smarter, I would have recorded our last rendezvous so I'd have something to watch.

Your heart, your mind, and your body are yours to share with whomever you choose.Those life experiences and extracurriculars make you who you are.

I'm not looking to place restrictions on you, clip your wings, or trap you. I am not seeking to intrude on your space one shampoo bottle or tea cup at a time.

And I will not attempt to tame your restless soul.

Your appearance may have caught my interest, but it's your adventurous spirit that intrigues me and your willingness to share part of yourself with me that keeps me coming back.

I don't want you for who you were or who you "could be if you just did this or that."

I want you for you, just as you are. 

I will never forget it. I was headed to my cubicle to begin the daily grind when I saw Him. This tall, athletically-built absolutely delicious man standing with a gaggle of my giggling female co-workers wearing a smile that would make even the most chaste spread their legs.

I've seen many aesthetically pleasing people as a result of living in a place that serves up hotties like a buffet, but my eyes hadn't ever been so captivated. I immediately felt a warm steady flow gush down my leg. Despite my voracious appetite, I was very vanilla at the time, but not shy or easily intimidated. At that particular moment however, I was quite alarmed by my reaction.

My heart was racing, presumably from anxiety as if everyone was tuned in to the condition of my undergarments. I turned right around and hurried off to the bathroom to clean myself off trying to dismiss that experience as anything other than what it was.

I returned to my cubicle a few minutes later feeling annoyed at how ridiculous it was to react like that without even an introduction, "hello" or "good morning." We hadn't said a word to each other. Determined not to get distracted, I buried myself in my work until lunch. Upon leaving my desk, who came strolling around the corner? Of course, there He was again! Trouble radiated from Him like a strobe light. Seeing Him from a distance was provocative enough, but when our eyes met I thought I might melt off my chair. Oh my wickedness...those beautiful blue eyes with that "get over here and fuck me" gaze. Again! My body made a pool between my thighs. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to grab Him, push Him against the wall and have my way, but I was in a very monogamous relationship and didn't want to damage it. So, I spent the next few years avoiding Him at all cost.

That's right...years. Years of being turned on and mildly irritated at the same time. I'm not sure if I was upset with myself for holding back or disgruntled with Him for being so damn sexy. Thankfully, He wasn't present often and we didn't work directly with each other.

I eventually left that job for greener pastures and it wasn't until about 5 years later when my relationship was ending that I decided to hunt down the man who made me wet at first sight. The man who would shove me out of my comfort zone, release me from my demons, and become someone I share a unique dynamic with unlike anyone else. 

Rising from the ashes and dusting myself off...I feel FANTASTIC! Thanks to a repertoire of healthy coping skills, the clouds have lifted and I'm focused on the task at hand - getting off this probation!

I find our dynamic to be both psychology and physically stimulating. Since day one it's been a bit like Alice's trip down the rabbit hole. I am never bored. Occasionally frustrated, but He has a particular learning curve that requires the kind of effort I enjoy making.

I always have a puzzle to solve, even when He's away. As it stands now, I am on probation. To be released, I have to find a sub (female) to watch, and perhaps play with us. This would be easy if we were hunting together at a bar or wherever, but it's not a decent punishment if it's easy.

The punishment is more of an opportunity to make the kind of effort we both want from each other within the scope of our dynamic. More about the spectrum of effort in another post.

As a woman I do understand the complexity and vulnerability that exists with regard to playing with people we don't know on their turf, especially when the encounter involves more than one person and one of them is male. There's calculated risk and then there's recklessness. So, hunting on the internet is proving to be more challenging. There is no way for our potential sub to know that she isn't in danger of being kidnapped and locked up in a cabinet indefinitely. She can only be reassured by getting to know us, or at the very least meeting and talking to me.

I have two and a half weeks to find someone lest I subject myself to further withholding and that is UNACCEPTABLE. It seems I may need to venture out to a local club that caters to other like-minded people. I've never been there alone so this could be interesting or a big waste of time.

This is the tough part. For quite a while I didn't know that the mild depression I feel after playing with my Dom had a name. I've been able to handle it better now that I know I'm not crazy for feeling this way.

To be fair to Him, I am not the best communicator about this part of the cycle. I did manage to tell Him once that being with Him comes with highs and lows, but I didn't say anything more about it. It's not a weight I want Him to carry. Whether in the vanilla world or our unique dynamic, I manage my own emotions, alone. This is a method developed in childhood so it's harder to overcome.

It's the strangest thing to want to be held when I'm feeling low and yet I'm absolutely terrified of that kind of affection when I'm going through it. Instead, I stay quiet and keep my distance, gving Him space without Him ever being aware of it.

Just part of the cycle...these feelings will pass when I level out.

The second and third day after playing with my Dom I am absolutely ravenous! Playing with Him is so satisfying in those moments, but He sets off all the alarms and now I can't leave myself alone.

There will be no relief for at least a few weeks due to the nature of His work and even then He's had me on probation for quite some time. Defiant wicked creature that I am, I did temporarily suspend it to get the playtime with Him that I wanted.

Probation or not however, as He once told me, "punishment is a pussy left wanting."

And here I am lying naked in a puddle of my own juices...wanting.

My mind is quiet, my heart at peace, and my body still quivering with a low hum from yesterday's adventure with my Dom. A delicious afternoon teatime that slipped into evening is exactly what I've been craving with Him.

I was led up to the edge of the cliff, a deliberately slow ascent as He strategically took me beyond the heavy clouds of daily pressures. Strapping my ankles and handcuffing my wrists to the table, He prepared my mind, body, and that icy armored weight in my chest for the journey.

All I could do is watch in the mirror as He dragged the tips of his fingers along my skin. His warm hands massaged every inch of my naked body, occasionally maneuvering between my legs to lightly tease my delicate folds. Vibrator between my legs, finger in my ass, He toyed with me. Then climbing on top of the table, He pushed the vibrator in and slowly eased His hard swollen cock inside me, stretching me with every thrust. At first, my body fought it, fought all the demons in my mind, but eventually I relaxed and pressed back to receive Him. For three breathtaking hours we played, exchanging power only once. My rule over Him was brief, but decadent as I indulged my appetite for everything He is.

Under His rule with His hand firmly wrapped around my neck thrusting harder inside me, He brought me to my ultimate release and I fell from the cliff leaving all the weight of the world behind. The armor crumbled away, the ice melted, and my heart took its place within the stillness of my mind and the warmth of my body.

No doubt the drop will be deep as it always is, but for now, I will bask in the soothing energy of this serene space.

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear." - Stephen King

Every time I put pen to paper to describe my relationship with my Dom, I am reminded of this quote.

When I introduced myself in the Welcome forum, I mentioned that we have a unique backstory, but it may be more prudent to start in the present.

The very first time he wrapped his hand around my throat as he pushed inside me, he whispered, "Relax. Let go. You either orgasm or pass out. You choose." 

In that moment I let go of everything. Every problem at work, every household chore that needed to be done, every personal issue that was unresolved, I let go of all of it. Mentally, emotionally, physically, he released me from the prisons of daily life. All the walls I had built, all those protective barriers in my heart, mind, and body came tumbling down. 

I have spent time with some truly wonderful men in the vanilla world. I have no regrets about those relationships, but I have never experienced a connection like the one I share with my Dominant.

There is no greater feeling of freedom and peace than the moments I spend at his mercy.

From the outside our relationship likely appears similar to friends with benefits. We don't operate like a traditional couple nor do we advertise that way and yet the trust we share rivals any intimate relationship I've ever had. 

What I have learned in my 45 years on this planet is that with the freedom that complete autonomy offers, comes the weight of all the responsibilities that accompany that freedom. 

As adults, especially those of us who do not live with a spouse, partner, other family members, or friends, we are under no obligation to negotiate for what we want. If we have the means to purchase something, we buy it. If we want to change careers, we do it. We don't seek permission from anyone. We truly run our own kingdom or queendom as we see fit.

The flipside to this is that there is nobody to share the weight of that freedom. If we get laid off from our job, there is nobody there to catch us. 

My Dom and I may live our lives in separate kingdoms, but the way in which we exchange power releases us from the fortresses we've built and that level of intimacy cultivates limitless trust. I can't think of anything more beautiful in life than that.