There is a considerable challenge for two people who experienced emotional neglect or abuse in childhood trying to navigate this labyrinth.
Childhood scars are often tied to instability and as adults, we tend to unintentionally seek out ever-changing, unstable situations. We trust the unpredictability more than the illusion of security. It's what makes us so good at taking risks...except when it comes to our heart. We are very reluctant to go all-in. Instead, we're avoidant and evasive. We value autonomy over everything else which is why it's easier for us to cut ties than hold on. All the walls we built to protect ourselves have become preferences. I think the biggest misunderstanding about emotionally unavailable people is that we don't feel anything, but we do. We can feel deeply. Fortunately or unfortunately, we're adept at shutting down our emotions because that is how we've learned to survive.
My first sexual encounter with Him was in the midst of a turbulent time for me and after a relatively recent breakup for Him. I can only speculate about His emotional state at the time, but based on the passion behind the kiss, I'd say He was struggling as well.
As I said in a previous post, we pushed the envelope the very first time we were together despite hardly knowing each other. There is quite a bit of evidence to indicate that when any two people take a risk together, if attraction already exists, the experience will ignite an intense chemistry between them. Add in some emotional vulnerability and now you've got the perfect cocktail for trauma bonding.
So, here we are. Two emotionally unavailable adults sharing an unusual connection, but who are terrified either of our own feelings or the other person's, or both. The rollercoaster can be exciting or it can be painful. Right now, His absence and the silence that comes from it is stinging and I am doing what I do best.