I don't even know when it happened...I was happily enjoying the casual nature of our unique relationship, and then at some point I wanted something more.
Let me be clear, just the idea of emotional commitment makes my palms sweat. The idea freaks me right out because I'm terrified of losing my independence, of feeling even the slightest bit obligated, of going all-in with someone only to end up in a trainwreck.
Nevertheless, just before the lockdown I wanted to see where it might go if we actually dated. Incidentally, I'm not referring to monogamy. You can be emotionally committed to someone without being monogamous and that's not a restriction I'm interested in placing on Him or myself.
The thing is, I know one universal truth about human behavior. Emotionally unavailable people are only emotionally unavailable with people we're not genuinely interested in. When we're really into someone we'll move mountains to show them...even if we have a fearful-avoidant or dismissive-avoidant attachment style.
So, when He distanced Himself from me during a time when I was going through a difficult loss on top of another emotionally challenging situation, I knew we were on different pages...even without discussing it. The next time He texted me, I was cold and dismissive without explanation. My effort to put my cards on the table shortly after that was met with deafening silence.
Had it not been for the pandemic, I'd likely be on a plane on my way to Central America to re-enact John Cusack's boombox scene in "Say Anything." I guess we can both be thankful for small favors since neither of us want to go viral on social media for that very awkward display of affection.
As it pertains to BDSM, even though everything He did with me is what He does with everyone, it was special to me and for that reason I don't want to experience any of it with anyone else.
