Aftercare

One of my favorite songs in my playlist right now is "You Made a Monster" by Goth Pop.  It came up one time on my 365 DNI soundtrack and the melody and sync of it just drives my soul.  It brings me to think about the monster that lives inside of me.  The one that craves control and routine... the one that looks for those things that need that stability in my life... the one that holds me tight and is only released by a unique control outside of myself.

"Don't move!"  He says softly but sternly and I obey.  Holding tight onto the metal rack before me, i know that moving will result in the lash of His whip. i shiver as the fan rotates and blows cold air on my hot skin.  i feel His hands moving down along my back and arms but i continue to hold still, despite the feelings in my body, the wetness trickling in between my legs, the desire to push my ass back into His front, showing Him what a needy girl i am - still, i hold still... 

i hold my breath when He steps away, releasing it only when my lungs are burning with the need for air, the need clawing at my insides like the monster that is begging for taming.  i open my eyes and look at the mirror in front of me.  He's sitting on the chair on the other side of the room watching me, His eyes studying my body, every inch of my backside on display for Him. 

i hold tight onto the metal bar, looking in His deep dark eyes until one word.  One word is all it takes to make my body fall apart... "Cum..." He commands softly.  i feel my body tense and relief wash over me as I release, my juices flowing more freely down my thighs, onto the pad beneath my feet.  He smiles and comes over to me, rubbing His rough hands over my soft skin.  "Good girl."  He says pulling me close to Him.  "Good girl indeed."

I realize that everyone has to start somewhere but please... please... for those that are new out there... 

Submissives - Do NOT waver your hard limits because you are new and think that is what the Dom/Top wants you to do.  They are there to expand your knowledge and stretch you a bit but if you have a hard limit, it's there for a reason.  If they are using it as a punishment, kick them in the balls and get the frack out of there.  If they are using a blasting through a hard limit without talking to you about it first, kick them in the balls and get the frack out of there.  Now, that's not to say the Dom/Top will not try to expand your knowledge and change a hard limit to a soft limit.  For example, when I was young, there was serious things that happened to me and thus, a serious aversion (as an adult) to anal play.  Up until a few years ago, anyone getting near my butthole got horse-kicked - even a finger on the outside.  It was a trigger, an instant reaction that made it so 'end scene' came quicker than someone who hasn't had an orgasm in in a long time - and yes, that happened. 

A few years ago, I had a long talk with a Top that I play with.  I told him, tears all over the place and ugly crying, what had happened.  Considering it is one of His favorite play areas and a way He asserts His Dominance, He wanted to know what the problem was.  He got the truth, the whole (or hole) truth and nothing but the truth that came with those memories.  He held me while I talked and cried and as the sun came up, He helped me wash up and get ready for work.  The day slogged on since I had not gotten much sleep the night before and I continued to think about how He may use the information that He had gotten from me.

The next time we met, He sat me down and told me that He would like to explore that territory but not in a 'forceful' way - as had been my previous experiences.  He talked me through everything that He was going to do.  Every step, every item (lube, plug, finger) and how He was going to prepare me for the scene.  It was painful, yes - both mentally and physically - although both of those pains subsided slightly with each step and honestly each occurrence.

Today, it's not my favorite thing and it's still a hard limit for everyone, except Him.  For Him it's a soft limit that I know He enjoys greatly and yes, I will tolerate because I know it bring Him pleasure.  That and I will admit that I cum harder when He's stuffed a plug in my ass and is fucking my greedy pussy.  *smirks*

Dominants - I'm not going to be the one to say if You are or You aren't, but please, get some experience before you decide to try to take on a submissive.  It's a double threat though because they only way that You can get experience is to have a submissive (many say) but I believe that is not totally true.  Sometimes being humble and asking another Dominant to mentor You, or **gasps** taking some licks Yourself.  Have You ever used Your own implements on Yourself?  "I'm the big-bad Dommy Dom, I don't use implements on myself!"  How would you know how they feel then?  You swing?  Your speed?  Your position?  You don't know unless You test them out.  Also understand that each submissive is different.  What one submissive thinks is super light, another may think is super hard.  Don't degrade either of them because well... different strokes for different folks.

Additionally, just because someone is submissive, does not mean that they are YOUR submissive.  Do not be so free to require submission from just anyone.  While You may give Your dick freely (I hope You wear a condom), You shouldn't accept submission as easily.  Submission is a gift and what someone gives You as a piece of their submission, they can always take back.  In the end, how does that affect You?  So, if You find Yourself trying to collar someone (even temporarily) ask Yourself why?  Will You be able to handle the situation if they decide to take their gift back?  How will You react if they say No!  Understand sometimes it's not You and other times it is You.  I have a specific set of parameters that I'm looking for and yes, it's picky, but this is my life I'm looking at.  Telling me You'd like to 'interview' me for a collar after just chatting a few times is going to cause me to raise so many red flags and hit my ship is reverse quicker than anything you will ever see.

Now, I know there are likely those of you out there that are disagreeing with me and that's okay but these are things I've lived through.  These are situations that I have experienced.  These are situations others have dealt with.  Agree or don't... no skin off my toes... this is just my fingers releasing things in my brain.  Have a nice day!!!

When I was with my ex, I met his first wife's brother.   Omg... it was instant crush.  I spent quite a bit of time at his house because everyone was friends.  I know its weird that my ex was friends with his first wife but hey, anyway.

I went home after meeting him (the brother) and immediately wrote a short story involving him and I.  It wasn't the only one I wrote.

He moved away for work, and I divorced my ex.  Honestly, our lives went in two different directions.  Not to say I didn't think about him, but didn't see him at all.

Anyway, I still see the 1st wives kids that are not my exs.  Today, I went to pick them up and he was sitting there on the couch.  Time has aged him (its been 7 years) but his smile and Dominant personality is still there.  He said hello, and I replied in kind.  When he raised his eye brow, I quietly added the Sir.  He smirked and nodded.  My heart skipped a bit in just that short interaction.

Yes, the crush is still there but much like years ago, we are on two different planes in our lives.  Much, much different planes.  Perhaps, I will go home and write another story though. 

It's only two words, but it means so much to me. When He utters those two words or sends them to me via text, my heart soars, my body heats up, a visible reaction of the blush in my cheeks, my breath in quickens and my pussy spasms simultaneously. For that moment, I know I have please Him and I am His. Though short-lived, I relish that high more than any other thing in my life basking in that moment, cherishing it, knowing the next one is close yet so far away.
Then, just like it starts, my body returns to normal and I continue on in that moment, waiting, mentally kneeling to hear those two words again.
It's only two little words but they have such a huge meaning.

I walk into the room.  I know You are there.  I can feel Your presence.  I can feel Your eyes watching me.  I can feel Your pleasure as You gaze intently at me, taking me in as I walk, silently, to the spot in the middle of the room.

I reach above me, my bare arms visible in the single string of light in the darkness, and grasp the cuffs above me.  I wrap the soft cuffs first around one wrist and then around the other.  I slow my breathing as You have taught me to do.  I feel the cuffs slightly lifting, my toes barely on the floor now, reminding me that You are there in the dark shadows of the corner of the room.  I know You are there, watching my naked body as I prepare myself for what is to come.

The music in the room is a soft volume but a heavy melody that thumps into my soul, as I center myself.  I repeat my mantra softly as You have taught, reminding myself (though not longer truly needed) that I am Your sub and I am here for Your pleasure.  Just this routine puts me into a soft floaty space and You have not even touched me yet.

I hear a whispered sound behind me, but I know to keep myself still.  I feel You behind me and then beside me but i am left untouched by You.  I hear sounds behind me again.  I work to calm my pounding heart but I know the first strike will come soon.

There is no surprise when it does happen, the whip licking the soft flesh of my ass before the crack registers in my ears.  I gasp deeply, a slight sound escaping my lips.  The second lash strikes a different spot on my ass and I gasp again.  By the fifth and sixth strikes, I have gotten used to the lashes and am no longer surprised but enthralled.  I try to guess where the next lash will land.  How long after I feel the whip will I hear the crack of it?  How much will the sting hurt?  Will the sting feel good?  Did that one leave a mark?

You know I love marks.  They become little reminders later of our time together when we are apart.  You enjoy giving me marks, taking a picture and looking at them later.  You, much like me, relish in the knowledge that they are there, under my clothes, the next day at work.

The whip strikes harder now, the falls closer together in timing.  Without consciousness, my body cries out, pulling away and pushing towards the whip, swaying front to back and side to side.  The flood gates of emotions release and You know I'm done.

I feel You behind me, holding me with one hand, while You release the cuffs with the other.  You lower me to the ground in Your lap, caressing my back as my emotions continue to flow.  A soft blanket is placed on my lower body and I curl closer into Your lap, my head on Your thigh.

Your touch calms me.  You soothing words calm me.  Your whip refreshes me.

How hard is it to find someone that will do what they say they will do?  How hard is it to find someone to connect with that will care?  How hard is it to find someone that will follow through?

Its stupidly hard and it should not be... there is so many people out there but it's always something... I'm too bratty.  I'm too large.  I'm too trained.  I'm not trained enough.  I'm polyamorous.  I'm in a nested non BDSM relationship.  I understand people have their lines and limits but it's always something. 

Then there are the guys that say oh yeah, we can do that and then poof or worse yet they try to use a hard limit list as a bucket list.  Red flags raise up everywhere, which stresses me out and then I end up taking time to regroup.

It should not be this hard.  I just want someone to click with... talk to... be accountable to... *sigh*

Sitting in my room thinking... thinking about my actions... thinking about what will happen when the time in my room is over.  I know that it won't be long but I also do not know how long it will be.  It could be hours, could be a day but all of it will be spent alone in my room.  No clocks are allowed in my room, so only the light of the day through the window gives me any indication as to what time it is.  I'm predicting that it's around noon, but since the sky is overcast, there is no real way to tell what time it is. 

It was dark last night when I was placed in my room.  I knew I was in trouble when I got home and two of the Handlers were standing at the front door.  I nodded to both of them, and they nodded back grimly.  I didn't even argue when they both grabbed an arm on either side of me and led me directly to my room.  The door shut behind me, and I heard the click of the lock.  I wasn't even mad... I knew I had done wrong.  Going out without a Handler was an offense, but going out without a Handler AND permission was even worse.  I knew I was in super duper trouble when I wasn't even given an audience when I got home.

Awakening this morning to the click of the lock on my door, looking over and seeing the breakfast tray sitting just inside the door, alerted me that I was going to be here at least through the morning.  I picked at the meal on my plate and but wasn't very hungry.  A gut full of regret sank into my stomach as I sat on my bed.  I spent time cleaning myself up and then sitting on my bed, laying in my bed and finally looking out the window.

I heard the lock on the door and looked over.  A tray was slid into the room and then door was shut again.  I signed and turned back towards looking out the window.  I was not hungry and the longer I sat here, stewing in my own misery, the more concerned I became.  I picked up the tray and put it at the table with the other tray, picking at the meat on the sandwich but not really eating anything else.  Tear welled up and I looked at the camera above the door.  I know all of my actions are recorded and watched - nothing happens around here without "Big Brother" watching.  I grabbed a plate and threw it at the camera, slightly satisfied when it shattered against the wall next to the glass that covered the eye.

Within seconds, the door swung open, a Handler entered and stood at the door as one of the other slaves entered the room, gathered the remaining dishes and cleaned up the mess before leaving the room.  The Handler left the room and shut the door behind him but not before looking me sternly in the eyes and commenting "Break something else and you will go to a cell and not your room."  After the door shut, I sank down against the wall opposite the door and cried, big giant tears.  Snot slobbering my face but nothing to clean it off with besides my blanket and I did not want to ruin that with snot.

Sighing, I lifted myself up and wiped my nose with the very edge of my blanket.  After I cleaned my face up the best I could, I knelt down in the middle of the room, my hands on my thighs, my head bowed in supplication.  It did not take long for the door to open.  I knew better than to lift my head but understood what to do when the person at the door snapped His fingers.  I rose up, placed my hands behind my back and followed His feet as they led me down the hall towards His office. 

The HeadMaster would be sitting in His chair, like a King on His throne, the empty space before Him, waiting for me to kneel filling it.  There may be another slave or maybe two in the room, and definitely a few Handlers in the room.  As we entered the office, it felt like the temperature in the room decreased by at least 10 degrees.  I sank down to my knees, placed my hands on my thighs and kept my head bowed as I had in my room but this time, instead of waiting for the door to open, I was waiting for Him to speak.

In another life I might have begged and pleaded

In another life I might have bent

In another life I might have went past my own personal limits

In another life I might have tried to figure out how to make things work

That however, was in another life.

I have learned that I do not have to beg, plead, bend, go past personal limits or figure out how to make things work.  If it isn't going to work, it isn't going to work.  That's okay because we learn and we move on.

You hold my body tight against Yours, my back to Your front.  My hands reach slightly behind holding Your hips.  I can feel Your cock hard against my ass.  I take in a deep, sharp breath as Your hand reaches up and grasps around my neck, not tight but making presence known.  Your hot breath is on my neck as Your other hand roams over my breasts.  I can feel myself getting wetter as You step one foot inside mine and push my legs wider apart.  I lean my head back into Your shoulder, pushing my breasts out further but arching my back so the soft flesh of my ass still makes contact with Your cock still encased in Your jeans.  My naked body, bent to You and Your will.  I close my eyes, holding onto this moment.  I take a deep breath in and You whisper "Good Girl" as the click of the camera taking pictures of us from all angles.  I know You will look at all of them, evaluating the pose, our faces, the light, and many other facets before You decide which one will grace the cover.  I cannot wait to see it.  I smile slightly knowing that I make You proud.

My body is on fire.  My mind is restless.  I cannot seem to find calm in the insanity that is flowing through me.  Tears come to my eyes as I will the instability.  Nothing settles... nothing resolves... i am turned upside down in the turmoil.

Then, You reach out.  Then, You pull me close.  My body extinguishes.  My mind ceases its relentless movement.  A wave sweeps over me ceasing all movement.  My entire being... relaxes into Your touch, Your caress... I am Yours.