I'm not good at talking face to face to get my needs out initially... I have a huge... HUGE fear rejection... facial emotions and body language i read a lot into and sometimes people talk louder with those than with their own words.. my internal dialog is more damaging to me... I mean why would anyone want anything to do with you? Your fat, ugly, you're a brat, you like to argue... etc... it all swirls in my head... the only time it gets quiet is when I have some accountability to someone else... for a few weeks, recently, I had that... structure... accountability... and I realized how much I missed it. I've tried to have NP get help (since he doesn't really have that D factor) to help quiet the monster, but his own personal inner monologs gets in the way... that and I need someone stronger than you didn't do a,b,c so you must not want to... finding someone to handle me has been a struggle. The only person in the past 15 years that could died... sigh... im scared going into my inner circle for someone because what if it doesn't pan out - will there be animosity later (on both sides). I long for things that are difficult to attain... and so here I am... floundering again....
2 years ago. November 27, 2021 at 3:50 PM