This is my experience and my opinion and may or may not hold true for others.
It took me a long time to talk about sex with anyone. Even with my Domina, who was my first BDSM relationship, which lasted 13 years. Was it perhaps being that we were both female, she thought that what she liked I would as well? Which it worked very well for us. So, there was no real need for me to talk about it. She openly guided me to what she enjoyed, and I did as my Domina instructed always. I kept a diary but never put down any real detailed information about our sex life. It lasted 13 years so we were doing something right for us both at that time.
During a session of BD or SM I was able to talk about it afterwards, quite easily in fact. How much I got out of the play and if I thought I could handle another toy. There wasn’t much SM with my Domina because she called me her “sensual side”. She could be very sadistic but saved that for seasoned submissive women or men. Being that I was new to the lifestyle I am grateful that she was sensual with me in the beginning. Her sensuality with me wasn’t necessarily intimate like some would think it should or must be. Some may not see a difference between the two words but I eventually learned there is.
When I was offered and given to a male Dominant he expected to hear what I liked and how I liked it. He was patient and understood there was some shyness. He started me off with my writing it down on paper after each sensual play. He would have me read what I wrote, not immediately, out of the blue. While I was doing laundry, he would come up behind me, put his arms around me and hold the book in front of me. “Read” he would order me. Or going on a drive to get groceries, out for dinner, and he would pull out my book and order me to read. He got a thrill out of getting me flushed and excited before we were in public. Of course he would be teasing me while I’m reading…;)…When I finally was able to open up to him and tell him what I wanted while we were sexually intimate it seemed to have made everything that much more intense. For both of us! I’m grateful that I had that time with him because he taught me a great deal about intimacy.
I learned that intimacy is so much different with different Dominants. He was no where near a sensual because I learned from him I had a masochistic side. In all aspects of our lives he was extremely dominant, except the times that he wanted vanilla sex then the intimacy changed, was deeper, so it seemed. The soft side of him was beautiful because of the change in him, I rarely seen that side of him, I could feel a different love so to speak.
The intimacy he showed me brought out that baby girl character in me. I enjoyed pleasing and touching before him. But his dominance and touch were different, and I craved it more and more. I wanted to please him more and more. I craved to hear him say, “good girl.” I wanted him to be proud of me all the time no matter what. I always felt secure and he always told me that I was safe under his care. I’d curl up at his feet, between his legs and lay my head in his lap and I would feel the world slip away for even a few minutes. If I was busy and my mind way off the lifestyle he could lay his hand on me in a room full of people, my not seeing his face, I knew it was him just from his touch. There was that intimate bond that was unmistakable.
Did he shape me into that baby girl he wanted? Of course, there’s no doubt about that. But in order to do that there had to be that part of me that wanted to be shaped as well, not just the needing to be shaped. If I wasn’t wanting it, and being forced wouldn’t have made our relationship work as well as it did, or if at all.
The intimacy he showed me in those 6 years, the depth of what a BDSM relationship could go to, brought the baby girl. More than the 13 years that I was owned by my Domina. It just goes to show that no 2 Doms are alike! I believe that intimacy is important if you want that deep experience of a BDSM relationship. It won’t only make you feel the bond but will bring out more of whom you are.
I wish for those new in the lifestyle to eventually feel that special bond and to feel the intensity of a deep intimacy with their partner. I've witnesses and been a part of a relationship where there was no intimacy...only play and pleasure.