I guess you can say I was kind of shocked back into the truth of who I am. I realized that BDSM is part of who I am and who I will always be, it has been 30 years I should know it by now, or you would think.
When my family life gets difficult, pain, sorrow, so many worries, and things start changing drastically it puts me into overdrive and my needs, wants, and desires take a back seat. Now that my head is back to where I feel the most complete I’m beginning to crave. The desire in me is back and he is allowing me to fulfill my needs if I find the right one who can.
We all fantasize about the perfect session, the perfect “beating” (sorry to those who are against that word but for me that’s how I explain), the perfect touch, the perfect one.
Those of us who have experienced many facets of the lifestyle know there are so many ways of pleasing and pleasure. Wakening, denial, pain, discipline, punishment, and pleasure. To me that all means I’m serving and loving him.
When he wakes my needs, sees how much I want and need him. It pleases him! I almost feel desperate to give him what he wants. And I fuel his ego!
When he denies me, it’s because he enjoys seeing me in the throes of need, or release. And it pleases him to see me desire him so badly that I will beg!
When he sees it in me, the need to let go completely, he gives me pain. He allows me release with my body and my mind. He moves me to that place that only he will take me. And he will swell with pride!
When he sees I need discipline, when I’m out of line and need to refocus, he shows me with direction, with kindness and harshness all at the same time. Chain me and leave me to contemplate. Think about where I am and what it is I had and need to recapture. And he will sit back and be filled with the knowledge that he has guided me to serve him better.
When he sees I am bad, when I disobey, he will punish me. I will not enjoy. I will regret and promise never to do it again, and I won’t, but need to be punished for it. I will accept my punishment with pride, love and strength. Because he does it for my own good. And he will look differently at me knowing that I’m accepting of his rules and love.
When he gives me pleasure he fills me with his love. He thrills in seeing me fulfilled and happy. He wants to give me that part of himself that only I see, at that moment. The love and vulnerability. He lets his guard down and shows tenderness but takes me harshly. He gives me his love, deeply, and trustingly. And he will sit back knowing that he has reached inside of me and given me comfort, security, love and true happiness.
And he will sit back knowing that with all this, he has control, that I have given up all that I am, willingly, to please HIM!
Then we are complete!
