It’s just a journey

I’ve finally gotten to this point in my life where I know I’m not the one who was crazy to think my family was treating me so unfairly. My dad died from suicide when I was only 4 years old and they put me and my brother in the same household that [partially] killed my father. My grandparents raised me and my brother to the best of their ability but they really weren’t so able. You see, when you’re not able to look at yourself in the mirror and understand why you do the things you do or think the way you think- you live your life staying the same person. My grandparents put me and my brother in therapy but I could see straight through my grandparents. I told them repeatedly how much they needed therapy and to figure out why they’re living their life purely run off of guilt/fear.

They were never the problem. I was.

How dare I show emotions? 

How dare I feel abandoned when my dad and mom (that’s a whole other story) want nothing to do with me? 

How dare I not keep my room clean? 
I really started to believe I was the problem. 

Why do I have such troubled friendships/relationships? 

It’s all me. But the truth is- we’re supposed to get taught these things (from our parents) with patience and understanding. I never got that. I never got taught how to be confident and how to set boundaries in my relationships. I was taught one way of living and I honestly didn’t agree with it. I just hate the process of undoing all this bullshit that’s been installed into me by someone else. 

I took some time away from here and I think it was the best thing for me. Not because I “needed a break” but because I was so lost. I’m not sure what I expected when starting this profile but it’s honestly been so nice being able to talk to people who understand. 

There are parts of me that I don’t even understand, though. I used to have such a vivid imagination. I used to feel so free and unique. I continue to wonder what holds me back from my best self until I realize it’s literally me. 

It’s always been hard for me to find value in myself. I think a lot of that stems from the fact that my father died from suicide when I was only 4 years old and my mother never wanted me as much as she wanted drugs.

My relationships haven’t been healthy in the past. I’ve now been single for 5 years- being mistreated by everyone I thought I was different along the way. I know what I don’t want and how I hate to be treated. I want to experience kindness and genuineness. I want open communication. I want consistency. 

Recently, I’ve been able to sort of “let go” and do what scares me. I’ve been learning about my likes and dislikes- with some help. It feels really good to have his help along the way. Being a beginner is scary and finding someone who is compatible is far from easy. He’s been pretty great and I’m not sure if he knows just how grateful I am to have him to openly talk with. 

Regardless- I’m happy I decided to get back out there and explore again. I just had to open my mind/heart to the endless possibilities of pleasure and play. 

I’ve gotta be honest with you guys. There’s a lot of baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me— romantic or not. I’m complicated. But I’m giving. I’ve got such a soft side. Now, if you ever ask me about it, I’ll absolutely deny it. I don’t like to let people see it. They’ll take advantage. 
I was hurt pretty badly a few years ago— 5 to be exact. I gave my ALL to a narcissist. You can pretty much imagine how that went. Ever since then I’ve just been trying to heal my heart and find someone I can trust. But it seems like every single person I try to open up to finds a new way to hurt me. Especially recently... I’ve been allowing way too many people to use and abuse me. I can’t continue to be an emotional doormat. It’s painful. It’s overwhelming. 
Maybe I’m dramatic. Maybe I’m just misunderstood. Maybe I overthink things to a level other people can’t even understand. Regardless— I’m confused. 
Is it bad luck? Is it bad karma? Is it my mental illness? Is it something specific about me that attracts the most broken and/or hurtful people? I need to know. 
I need someone with a heart as full and as genuine as mine. 
🖤

First of all I am super excited to get this blog started. However, I’ve been in quite a funk lately. I thought the perfect topic to start on would be the one that hits me the hardest— rejection. Or the feeling of being rejected. Neglected. Alone. Unloved. It’s a scary thought. 
I’m strong. Strong willed. Strong mannered. Strong mentally. Strong physically. I can weather most any storm you throw my way— that’s a fact. But some storms hit harder than others. Maybe my past trauma makes rejection that much worse for me.. I expect to be left by myself at this point. But people promise and swear and promise and swear that they’re different. I’m just the stupid one that believed it. I’m scared I’ll never find someone to love all my broken pieces.