I took some time away from here and I think it was the best thing for me. Not because I “needed a break” but because I was so lost. I’m not sure what I expected when starting this profile but it’s honestly been so nice being able to talk to people who understand.
There are parts of me that I don’t even understand, though. I used to have such a vivid imagination. I used to feel so free and unique. I continue to wonder what holds me back from my best self until I realize it’s literally me.
It’s always been hard for me to find value in myself. I think a lot of that stems from the fact that my father died from suicide when I was only 4 years old and my mother never wanted me as much as she wanted drugs.
My relationships haven’t been healthy in the past. I’ve now been single for 5 years- being mistreated by everyone I thought I was different along the way. I know what I don’t want and how I hate to be treated. I want to experience kindness and genuineness. I want open communication. I want consistency.
Recently, I’ve been able to sort of “let go” and do what scares me. I’ve been learning about my likes and dislikes- with some help. It feels really good to have his help along the way. Being a beginner is scary and finding someone who is compatible is far from easy. He’s been pretty great and I’m not sure if he knows just how grateful I am to have him to openly talk with.
Regardless- I’m happy I decided to get back out there and explore again. I just had to open my mind/heart to the endless possibilities of pleasure and play.
