Esoteric Submission

This weekend Daddy was in a very bad and anxious mood. When he’s that way his tone of voice and facial expressions are subtly different and it comes off as angry or annoyed. I am highly sensitive to body language, and tone of voice so I feel these changes before he even says a word and I typically interpret them as I have done something wrong. We’ve been working on me trying not to interpret his mood that way because it’s never been about anything I did or didn’t do. Daddy says sometimes you just have to let me be moody and then I’ll get over it.

 

So anyway, Sunday morning I had just finished painting and he had just finished working on a 3-D printer design and he came upstairs and was ranting mildly about all the things he needed to do today, and I took that as him telling me without saying so “You aren’t doing enough and it’s your fault I’m annoyed.” Of course I was totally wrong but his bad mood triggered me into thinking those things and I started working on one of his tasks he had listed but also started crying. He had gone down stairs for something and when he came back and saw I was crying he hugged me and explained that he wasn’t mad at me and, you know, all the things he could say to make it better. After that I felt better and even though he was still in a mood all day I didn’t get upset again.

 

So yesterday morning I was thinking about it and I sent him a text about my thoughts. He was downstairs and I was getting ready for work. He came upstairs and had full blown tears running down his face and said that was the most beautiful and sweet thing to say and then we hugged for like 5 minutes. I thought I would put what I wrote to him here because it actually is pretty.

The moral of this story is that I need to continue to work on regulating my emotions and triggers and trauma. In my 20 year marriage to a narcissist I developed certain sensitivity to things and I think that’s why I get so upset if Daddy has a mood. But back to the moral, learning to love in safety means unlearning what fear once taught me.

It means noticing the tremor before the storm and choosing stillness instead of panic.

It means trusting that his silence isn’t rejection,

his sigh isn’t disappointment,

and my worth is not something that shifts with his mood.

 

Every time I stay calm, breathe, and let love speak louder than fear,

I rewrite a piece of my past.

And every time he meets me there…with patience, tears, and tenderness…

we both heal a little more.

Here is what I wrote to him:

 

”Even when the world presses too hard against you,

and your breath catches in the thorns of old memories,

I see the man beneath the storm.

 

Your voice will sharpen,

your brow gets it’s little wrinkle, but love does not disappear in those moments.

It trembles, waiting,

just as sure as morning finds its way back to the horizon.

 

Sometimes my eyes fill with tears,

not from hurt, but from loving you so deeply

that your pain echoes inside me and the idea of disappointing you is devastating.

 

And always,

you return with open hands,

steady voice,

heart soft again.

You’re the man who wraps my ache in gentleness,

who builds safety out of apologies and quiet touches.

 

I love and cherish you every moment of every day, Daddy, even when the moments are heavy.

 

Especially then,

because that’s when I see your strength most clearly,

not in perfection,

but in your willingness to reach for calm,

to choose love over pride,

to come back, again and again,

when the world has worn you thin.

 

That’s when I feel closest to you,

when your walls are low

and your heart is honest and trembling.

That’s when I know

what it means to love someone fully.

To stay, to soften,

to be both anchor and ocean

for the man who is always my home 💕

I’m going to have to do some more work on the tree when it’s dry but for the most part I’m pleased with how it turned out.

Daddy left bruises on me for the first time and got me into fairly deep subspace for 2-3 hours yesterday, also for the first time. Which has put me into sub frenzy and I want all the things right now 😂 He’s very cautious and measured in everything he does so he probably won’t be feeding the frenzy. But we do have a kid-free weekend so he might indulge me a little bit. Keep your kinky fingers crossed for me!

He takes my throat in his hand, not too tight, but tight enough to remind me that he could make it too tight, and asks me “What’s your reason for existence?” I’ll let you guess the reply.

My Daddy is leaving tomorrow for a 3 day trip to a motorcycle training and I am desperately trying to be okay with it. I’m of course putting on a brave face but inside I’m panicking. We’ve lived together for almost exactly 3 months and haven’t spent a night apart, and I have attachment issues as it is. Specifically being an anxious attachment style and even though I know this about myself it doesn’t always make it easier to cope.

The bad part is in October he’s going to California for a work trip for NINE days. That’s the one I’m really dreading. He’s only required to be there M-F so when he told me he was adding on some time to visit friends (he used to live there) the little girl in me felt abandoned, but big girl usually reigns me in and I play it off like everything is fine.

It’s not fine though, I’m really going to be struggling with that one. I don’t think I will be okay but I guess if I have no choice I’ll figure that shit out. I just hope I figure it out in a healthy way and not a 9 day bender way lol We shall see. I guess this little 3 day trip will be a good measure of how much I fall apart.

Yesterday Daddy fucked me in the ass for the first time, kinda. He has a couple of times before but he was so worried about hurting me that he wasn’t really into it and stopped. I don’t know, it felt awkward and weird the times before but yesterday he did it the right way. He was fucking me from behind and I was so wet from so many orgasms that his cock slipped right in my ass. He wasn’t planning on that but he just went with it just as hard as he was fucking me before and came in my ass for the first time. I, of course, had anal orgasms so it felt good for me too. But then again the wind can blow just right and I’ll cum 😂 Anyway, it was fun and I hope it’s something he will start to incorporate regularly and maybe he has seen that he isn’t hurting me and I am not just saying I’m okay with it. 

Today we are doing our meal prep for the week. We went to the grocery store this morning and he wasn’t too happy about me insisting we split the cost, but he did decide he would. It was so cute because we decided to put it on my card and he kept reaching for his wallet and stopped himself. Of course as soon as we got in the door he sent me his half of the bill. He’s the sweetest man and so protective and so giving. I can see why in his past relationships he was taken advantage of, he would make it easy. I am very adamant about not doing that, I send him 30% of every check to contribute to the bills 

My birthday is next Tuesday but he’s going to be out of town so we’re going to do something this weekend instead. I took 3 days off this week so we’re going to the gun range to get some practice in before he leaves. He wants to be sure I can use a firearm if I have to when he’s gone. I mean, it’s not like we live in the ghetto but I suppose it’s a good idea anyway. It’s a fun couples activity anyway.

He did ask me this weekend to be thinking of something kinky I want for my birthday, as in activity not an item. I think, now that I say that he would probably buy something if I said I wanted it but I pretty much have anything we need anyway. So I’m gonna ask him to whip me, maybe. He so sensitive to hurting me that he really doesn’t understand that it’s not hurting me, I absolutely enjoy it, crave it. So maybe I will have him practice a little bit before this Saturday. Anyway, as long as he doesn’t get triggered into a bad place by it, that’s what I want. We shall see, I’m 50/50 optimistic. 

I had a little moment yesterday where I was feeling annoyed with Daddy, and it wasn’t easy not to argue with him.

First, a little back story. Our family follows a clean, organic keto diet. We avoid carbs, seed oils, processed foods, and only eat grass fed and finished beef, wild fish, and organic chicken. Among other things. Every now and then we will eat out and accept the fact that we don’t really know what’s in the food.

I had a busy day at work yesterday, I saw 6 therapy clients back to back which is very draining. As I was leaving I called Daddy and asked if I could pick up dinner because I felt too tired to cook. He was in a meeting and he was a little short with me saying “No you will not. We have plenty of food here. I’m in a meeting and will see you when you get home.” (He works from home) I was highly annoyed and almost said something like well we might have food but I don’t want to cook said food. Instead, I bit it back and simply said “Yes Daddy I’ll see you soon.”

 

When I got home he was still in his meeting and I was still dreading cooking and stewing a little bit over it. When he finished his meeting he came up stairs and told me he was sorry if he was snippy with me. He said something like he knows I’m tired and he’s going to cook while “You sit there and look pretty while having some wine”. In that moment, obedience went from feeling heavy to me realizing how grateful I am for such an amazing Daddy.

So here’s the thing, deferring to your Dominant without question or argument is not always easy. I had a million reasons to argue with him on the phone about it, but I didn’t. Which is great, yay me for holding true to my submissiveness, BUT I didn’t obey with trust. I obeyed and then I was resentful rather than obeying while trusting him to not only make the decision but to also take responsibility for making the decision. 

I wasn’t wrong for the way I felt because we haven’t fully developed our trust foundation. Trust doesn’t happen in a day, it happens both organically and intentionally over time. Trust is also a living organism, so to speak, and you continually have to foster and grow it. This little every day type of interaction ended up adding to our foundation of trust, and the next time I defer to his will, hopefully it will come to me more easily and without resentment. 

This is what is required of us as subs, we have to be self aware, practice self reflection, and learn from our experiences. If you don’t put in the work to do those things, you’re never going to achieve a long lasting healthy dynamic. Of course, those things are required for the D too, but I can’t really speak to the dominant perspective. 

The key takeaway here: Submission isn’t just about obedience; it’s about learning to trust that obedience will be met with care.

When people think of submission in a BDSM dynamic, they often picture ropes, rules, and the charged rituals of the bedroom. But there’s a deeper, quieter current beneath all that…one that flows through the everyday.

 

Submission, to me, is not rules. It’s about devotion. It’s about choosing to give, again and again…not because I’m told to, but because I want to. There are no chore charts. No demands. My Daddy doesn’t expect me to cook or clean, to care for our home, or to anticipate his needs. He simply meets me with presence, kindness, and strength. And in that, I soften. I offer. I serve…not from obligation, but from joy.

 

I once lived in a vanilla marriage where these same tasks…dishes, sweeping, folding laundry all felt like burdens, like chains. I had to force myself to stay grounded in my values, to not let resentment consume me. It was exhausting.

But now, everything is different.

Our home is a temple of mutual respect. Our days are a quiet rhythm of shared intention. I find peace in washing the dishes, love in making the bed, meaning in every small act of care. Submission, for me, lives not in the collar or the scenes (though those have their place), but in how I move through the world with him. How I tend to our life like a garden I cherish. Here’s a poem I wrote about it…

 

I used to sigh at the weight of the day,

each task a tether, each moment a fight.

My hands moved heavy in dull dismay

chores were shadows that swallowed the light.

 

In that old life, I had to pretend,

to chant away dread, to call it grace.

Even peace felt hard to defend

in a joyless, echoing space.

 

But now

now the broom is a gentle spell,

the stove a sun I choose to light.

Our home, this nest where kindness dwells,

makes ordinary things feel right.

 

I get to stir, to fold, to tend,

not from duty, but desire.

Side by side, we mend and mend,

and build a quiet fire.

 

No more dragging stone uphill,

no more breath held to survive.

This climb is mine, and soft, and still

and I have never felt more alive.

 

Let it roll, and let it start,

I meet each task with ease.

Because love has made a sacred art

of sweeping crumbs and planting peace.

It’s moving day! Kind of. I’ll be moving my personal things today and next weekend the movers will come get the big things. I can barely wait for this afternoon when I’ll cross the threshold and be living in service to my Daddy 24/7. Daddy has been preparing the house so thoughtfully. He got my closet cleaned out, arranged kiddos room and bought a bunch of things for it, moved his office downstairs, had new carpet put in, had the house painted, had the juniper removed from the yard (I complained about snakes in it), bought new patio furniture, and installed a uh osmosis water system (I think that’s what it’s called). It’s been driving me crazy not being able to help him do all of this because of the distance but he didn’t mind. 

I am so incredibly lucky and happy to be his girl. He is the most thoughtful, talented, and caring man I’ve ever known. My only trepidation is surrounding my masochism and him not being a sadist, but I have had terrible luck with sadists (sorry sadists) so I think it’s something I can do without. My main thing is control and Daddy is a natural with it. I can see how some women, especially vanilla, would be opposed to that but it gives me warm fuzzy feelings. The more control he has the better. 

So here I go, stepping forward into a brand new chapter, heart open, eyes bright, and hope leading the way.