I tried on four different dresses. Red, Yellow, Black and Maroon. I was unsure which one to choose. I laid the four out on the bed, and accessed.
The black & maroon dresses would fall under the “not attract attention” category. The yellow & red dresses would fall under the “attract attention”. It’s a first impression, I think I want to attract attention. Something that says I’m bold and confident, not shy and timid...But what if someone else notices me, or looks at me and then he gets mad at me for attracting attention.. Stop overthinking it. Just pick a dress, it doesn’t matter.
Red dress it.
Next, make up.
Am I allowed to wear makeup? He never said I couldn’t but he also never said I could. It is just a first date, he seems reasonable, he is not going to mad at you for breaking a non existent rule.
I finish getting ready and head out. I get to the restaurant. I look at the clock. 10 minutes early. Perfect.
I walk inside, and sit at the counter. I respond back to a few unanswered texts, and answer a few emails. Gosh I’m so nervous. What if I can’t make conversation. Why am I doing this. Why didn’t you just tell him he doesn’t need to take you out in order for you to fuck him. I look up from my phone, and there walking towards me was him.
I get up from the stool, and we greet each other with a hug. He was so soft, so handsome. He tells me I look nice. We walk towards the line, and make small talk. He asks me if I usually wear my hair curled.
He doesn’t like it, I should have worn it straight.
“Yes, usually when I go out” he nods approvingly, and tells me he likes it.
See, you’re fine. Relax.
We got up to the register to order. The women behind the register commented on how pretty I looked. I laughed it off, and placed my order. She turns to you, and says “You are so lucky to be out with such a pretty girl.”
I react quickly, “I’m lucky to be out with such a handsome man”
I read her name tag-
H E L E N
You’re killing me Helen. Don’t you know you mustn’t speak to a man like that?
She smiles at my response, “You guys are such a cute couple”
He responds to her “Thanks. It’s actually our first date.”
“Really? You guys seem so comfortable with each other.”
She wishes us luck, I grab our cups and walk towards the dining area. I scan the room for a table. You point to one, “This one,” then you point to a chair, “sit here”.
I sit down, I become very nervous— borderline scared.
I shouldn’t have worn this dress. He’s going to be upset with me for attracting attention. He’s going to be so angry that the cashier would even suggest that I was worthy enough to be his. Great. 10 minutes in, and you’v managed to ruin the whole evening.
You sit down next to me. Interesting choice, not across from me, but next to me.
You initiate conversation. Inquiring to me about other dates I’ve been on, and other small talk.
Huh, maybe he’s not upset after all.
I allow myself to relax a little bit, but I’m still nervous. I feel like I’m stumbling over my words.
He holds strong, direct eye contact with me.
It’s uncomfortable, it makes me feel very vulnerable.
I keep eye contact with the screen when I’m talking.
“Why do you keep looking up the screen?”
“Eye contact, it makes me feel uncomfortable”
“Why?”
“It makes me feel like you’re peering into my soul”
You chuckle to yourself “Peering into your soul? Okay.” You nod.
“Would you like for me to stop?”
I think for a moment, “No, it’s okay. It makes me feel like you’re listening to me.”
“As you should be.”
I wonder if I look as nervous, uncomfortable and out of place as I feel.
“You are nervous. Yes?”
“Yes.”
“You are trying to submit to me. There will be a time for that. This is not the time. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I understand.”
I’m embarrassed. I wasn’t trying to be submissive. But its so hard, he has such a strong presence and I’m so nervous.
“Hey, look at me.” The inflection of your voice seems warmer. “I think you need to hear this. You are valued and you deserve to be listened to, and should be treated as such.”
I look away, “I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me. Thank you.”
“I know, that is why I said it”
The buzzer goes off for our food. Thank God.
I grabbed my food, and hurried back to the table. You look at me. “Are you good? Do you have everything you need?”
“Yes, why?”
“It seemed like you rushed yourself in order to follow me back to the table.”
“Oh. No. I didn’t do that.”
“Hm, okay.” He walks away to go back to the counter to get the rest of his food.
I sit with my head down, starring at my food. Embarrassed. He was right, I did do that. I didn’t even realize what I had done, until he said that. I just acted like a dog, following his owner. I hope he doesn’t think I was purposely trying to defy him, he literally just told me to stop trying to submit to him, and then I do that? What is wrong with me.
You sit down. I wait for you to begin eating before I begin to eat.
Shit, I need a knife. I sit there unsure what to do. Can I just get up and go get one? He said he doesn’t own me, and that I am free to do what I want. So I think I can. But I’m not sure. It could be a trick. Maybe I should ask him if I can leave the table to get a knife. But by asking, that makes it seem like I’m trying to submit to him, and he just told me to stop doing that.
Maybe I’ll just forget about the knife all together.
You look up from your food. “What’s wrong?”
“I need a knife”
You point to the knife next to you. “Here”
Great. He probably thinks I’m an idiot who is unable to problem solve for myself.
I cut my burger in half, and I set the knife on a napkin beside him.
We continue on making conversation. He’s very direct, and speaks very matter of factly. It puts me at ease. I don’t have to worry so much about trying to guess what will or won’t upset him. I think he will just say it.
We finish dinner, and go to the bar to get drinks. It’s kind of crowded. Usually I’d get anxious about being around so many people, in an unfamiliar place. But not so much tonight. We get our drinks, and I follow him to a table.
The conversation is much more fluid, I feel much more engaged, not so much in my own head.
I blurt out “Am I able to speak freely?”
You look at me perplexed, “Yes.... do you feel like you haven’t been this evening?”
He has a habit of answering my questions with a question.
I look away from him, and stare at the stage. “No, I have.. I’m sorry..I just wasn’t sure...” I kind of trail off..
“I get it”
I turn to him kind of surprised “You do?”
“I do. Have you ever been caged?”
I think for a second. In like a literal dog cage— no. But I’ve been locked into a closet, but a closet is much bigger than a cage. I think you’re over thinking his question.
“No, I haven’t”
“Okay, but that was a fair question to ask. Yes?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you know how if you train a dog to stay in the cage, and if you keep him in there long enough then when you open the cage, he will sometimes remain in the cage? Or he’ll be hesitant to get out of the cage. Unsure if it is really okay. I think that is what you’re experiencing. You’re testing the waters. Trying to figure out what is okay.”
“Exactly”
“I’m trying to understand you, you are complex”
“I’m sorry”
“No, it’s good”
I don’t let people inside my head, in fact arguably I spend all my time trying to get out of my own head, to just forget, so that I can just be. It’s too much for people. I’m suppose to be a simple girl.
He grabbed my hand from across the table, and held it.
“You don’t have to be nothing, for me to be something. Do you understand? I don’t need to make you feel like nothing, in order for you to submit to me, unless that is what you need. Do you want to feel like nothing?”
“No, that is not what I want”
“Good.”
Conversation continues on. We get to the end of the evening. He asks if I want to come home with him.
Good girls don’t say no. Good girls don’t say no. Good girls don’t say no. I’m so attracted to him physically, I just want to touch him everywhere. So, not saying no wouldn’t be the worst thing. But also, I think I like him. Damn it. Was this whole evening just a ploy for me to sleep with him? He didn’t have to say all those things, for me to sleep with him. If he just wants sex, then I can give him that. I’d just rather if he wants to use me, not get to know me. It’s easier that way, if someone doesn’t know you they can’t hurt you. He knows me now though. It’s uncomfortable. There is no security blanket to hide underneath. I’m so confused. I honestly kind of just shutdown. The last 10 minutes was kind of a blur.
“You look uncomfortable. What’s wrong?”
I’m not even really sure what I said. Or what he said, admittedly completely missing the part where he said he was gonna pass on tonight.
We get up from the table, and begin to walk out. You pull me to the side and look at me. I feel so confused, and so vulnerable. If I said yes, I would have felt used. I also didn’t feel like I could say no. But by him saying no for me, it kind of made me feel undesirable.
You’re trying to figure me out. Good luck, that is not an easy task.
You mumble something to yourself about not putting me in a situation where I would have to say no.
We get outside, the cold air feels nice. I honestly can’t remember what you said or asked or how I responded.
You tell me it’s okay. You pull me in, and hug me.
How is it possible to feel so safe and comfortable in someone’s arms that I’ve just met.
He kisses me on my lips softly. Not overly sexual, where I thought he was going to seduce me or bully me into saying yes into going home with him. This was sweet, almost enduring.
You say “Promise me, since you aren’t going home with me, that you aren’t going home to go fuck some other dude”
I chuckle “I promise.”
