Lately I have been mulling over the role that BDSM holds in my life. I have been focusing so much on why it interests me, what I am looking for, how I define things, what are risks, how do I partake, how will I interact with others, etc...that I have forgotten the things that are most important is to engage with communicate, interaction and feeling. For me BDSM is like a bridge between my thinking brain and emotional one. It helps me just be in the moment and be present yet sadly that is exactly what has been missing. I have gone to a few munches over the past month or so and have just felt out of place like I am imposing. So I have taken sometime to sit back and ask myself what is it that I am seeking. I want to make sure that I stay in a healthy frame of mind and am honest with myself with where I am at and what I want.
Life has not been the easiest lately with moving to a new town and change careers. There are all these internal and external stresses. I have lost some of my connection to rope and just feel a little lost without it. I feel like I have become a little withdrawn and overwhelmed. I would love to just do some rope and embrace the moment.
I have been exploring BDSM for almost 4 years and I still feel like I am so new and inexperienced. I have a hard time admitting the things I want because guilt and shame crowd in. I worry that my desires are wrong and will only hurt me. There is a part of me that knows this is not true but it is such a quiet voice. I feel bad for wanting things from another person. I worry that am seeking validation through others verse being okay with my. It is hard for me to understand that I am enough that no one else makes me enough but that my innate being is enough and okay.
I feel like it is not okay to want things like bottoming for a spanking without knowing every answer to why. I feel like it is not okay.....well may be I am thinking these things nor feeling......to want some one to do things to me. l feel like it is not okay that I do not enjoy doing things to other people. I feel like it is not okay to allow anyone else to take the lead or make any decisions. It is not okay for my to give up any of my power.
Things are just a jumble right now but I am glad that I can say that.
