I experienced a very vivid moment earlier on in my day today. I wanted to create a blog about what it was that occured, but I also needed some time to process things. I've done a little processing, and I'm finally ready to express just a tiny side of who I am and what this community means.
Today I had an opportunity. I made a choice.
When I smoke cannabis there are a number of ways that I can be affected. Firstly, I can get very spiritual. Sometimes I will stand in my living room and meditate, trying to feel the earth hurtling through the universe. (The crazy part is, sometimes I can feel the movement of the universe, but that may be another topic altogether) Secondly, I can get motivated to accomplish the daily tasks in my life. Sometimes getting motivated to workout or to relax so I can get into a natural flow for my singing, dancing, beatboxing, what have you. Thirdly, I can become very emotionally attached or committed. It's hard to describe this as it's very different everytime. Today though I had a very challenging moment for myself.
When I was smoking today I encountered the third form of being emotionally connected. Today the way in which that expressed itself was the culmination of part of my BDSM mentality and the desire of a young single male.
Allow me to explain just a tiny bit. The first part, my BDSM mentality. I see the world of BDSM in many different ways, and I almost imagine the different facets and areas we all play as subsets of BDSM. Or another way of thinking about it as if you had a split personality disorder. To me I have many different ranges and forms of how I exist within BDSM. I see every single part as its own unique identity that can take control over me. I can allow to show more of my little side, my animalistic side, my gentleman side, my sadistic side. Each of us has our own way of choosing our expressions, we just need to understand which aspect we intend to play in. Feeling jittery? Lets relax and get tied down so we don't feel so anxious. Whatever we are experiencing in this moment is acceptable, we want to be swatted, caressed, held, watched over. It doesn't matter. It's just what we need in that moment.
So what this means in regards to myself and my experience today. I was feeling particularly emotionally connected to the animalistic side of my dominance. This side of me is very primal, and can lead me into some darker paths of myself. The only way I could describe how I felt today was in stages. It began as a bubbling and I could feel the anger and the primal rage that can begin to take over me when I allow my animalistic side to run rampant. It was like feeling boiling water inside of your veins, you could see and begin to feel the boil as it continued to heat up. It felt like there was a hood, creeping its way up my back and slowly settling over my consciousness. Starting to cloud my judgement, beginning to overwhelm my senses. The more this hood began to remove my sight, I could feel this sense of primal hunter begin to take over. More and more of myself could feel that turn inside of me. The less I was aware, the more animal I was beginning to embody.
This would have been a much bigger problem if I wasn't aware of my own personal triggers and I recognized a moment where I was on a cliffs edge in my mind. I could feel most of myself had been drifting into this lullaby of animalistic lust, and in that moment I was on the cusp of falling into the void. Who knows what may or may not happen as we can't understand decisions we don't make, but if I had allowed myself to fall into this void and given in completely to the animal that's inside of me I have no idea the damage I may have caused. Knowing who I am and what I am capable of, I am certain there would have been all sorts of damage and harm done. It would have been directed at two lovely individuals who have asked for my consent to own them. I would have used the guise of their "willingness" and their acceptance of me as a way to do absolutely anything I desired.
The thing is we are still a community. Each one of us, lives, breathes, finds joy and suffers immeasurable pains. We need to be respectful of what our actions as dominants can cause. We have the potential to destroy lives and crush those underneath our whims. We can put pressure and refuse to give up until something snaps, and leave people broken hearted, a husk of who they once were trying to pick up the pieces of their life.
The thing is as dominants we are responsible for the well being of our charges. Even those that have requested their interest in us, even if it's as simple as "getting to know you" conversation, we are still responsible for their well being. Our words and actions still have an impact on those in our world.
While I was struggling, teetering on this edge of losing myself it felt in that moment if I would have let go that I could have blacked out. I would have let any sense of morality disappear and there would have been no higher sense of justice than my personal physical satisfaction. I felt like in that moment if I lost control of myself that I could have caused irreversible damage and harm to people who have been willing to give me their trust. Because they expect that I am capable of managing myself. In that moment of nearly allowing myself to succumb to my darkest intent, I remember that my mentor had mentioned something in his writing. I have worked too damn hard and too damn long to just let anyone have the dominance I have earned. In that second my mind began to clear, less of the hood covered my eyes and I began to have clarity return to that moment for me.
Suddenly that sense of almost losing my balance was gone, and that edge in my mind was miles behind me. I have struggled and fought to earn my place where I stand. I have made so many mistakes and the worst of my sins have been born by those around me. My actions caused deep hurt in those closest to me, and the hardest thing to do is watch someone else suffer for the choices you made. I refuse to allow that to happen to anyone else, because I have worked for my dominance and that deserves respect. Respect in myself in what I have accomplished but respect for the other side of the slash and what I can offer them. Because of this, everyone deserves an opportunity to be judged on their actions and their current choices. The other significant thing to remember is that our actions have consequences. The people we toy with, the games we play and how we treat other people in this lifestyle has massive impact on their psyche. I could have easily given in to my desires and through the guise of willing surrender I could have caused damage and hurt. Fortunately today I had self control as well I had a small epiphany, and the words of a strong individual to help guide my actions.
One of the most important parts in all of this I believe was having the self awareness to recognize my triggers, and the potential for what could happen. Asking myself what would be the consequence... Having a moment to remember some amazing advice, and then holding fast to the honour of what we are pursuing. It is not our place to take what we want because someone may think they want to offer it to us. It's recognizing that we have shortcomings and that so do others. We have to have enough self control to deny our baser instincts when we see that our actions can cause harm. Because we are ultimately responsible for the well being of those in our community. We are apart of this community and should treat others with respect and care, because as humans we need to be considerate that we can cause pain.
I'm grateful today that I was able to maintain control over who I am. I wouldn't have been able to do it, if I hadn't put the dedication necessary into myself. The other thing is the support we gain from seeking information from others. Many people here have lived this lifestyle much longer than I have, and I still have so much to learn from those around me. Today the words and advice from those people I sought out helped make a massive difference in my choices today. So I encourage you to reach out and ask someone for some advice, or a simple conversation. Get to know these amazing people that have such an abundance of valuable information to offer. With some patience and understanding we can create the best community possible. We just have to be willing to participate as if we were part of the group, and we all are. Our love of kink binds us together, when everyone else might look at us weird for our tastes we are around individuals that don't care. You like latex? Do you! Do you want to be chained up and whipped? That is part of your journey and no one has any right to say it's wrong, so long as safety precautions are met, SSC.
Lets work on loving ourselves and loving those in our community. Because we get enough hate, disdain and confusion from those in the vanilla. We don't need to see it from those within our circles as well. We are here to accept. We are here to cherish. We are here to love. Lets work on bringing the most positivity we can to those in our lives, because each one of us is special and we all deserve love, acceptance and a reason to smile.
So let's smile together today, and take this one step at a time.
I hope everyone has a pleasant day, and that you might be able to manage your journey better after listening to my experience. Dedicate some time to yourself, and to someone you have a great deal of respect for. You never know when the hard work and effort will pay off.
