How to even begin. I guess with the premise.
I wanted to go through an experiment to try and find out more about myself. I spent roughly 4 days in both states of dominance and submission rotating halfway through. Unfortunately due to some unexpected real life situations the hours didn't quite match up to the time spent as each dominant and submissive.
Overall, I would say I succeeded and failed. Well it's a mixed bag. The thing is ultimately I did not unlock new depths of which I could delve into. But I've found a critical piece call it #4 of 10,000 puzzle that is me. So it's still a win, but I would be remiss to say I was hoping for a slightly more enlightened state of thinking.
So I need to say this. A shout out to my good friend who helped me through this process. She is absolutely fantastic, and a true embodiment of this lifestyle. She has decades of experience and has helped me in some ways more than any other mentor has for me.
My brother in law once told me "Time is our most important commodity we have. We only get so much, and we never get it back." That really helped me understand what we choose to do with our time is truly valuable. Who we choose to spend our time with is truly valuable. Making sure you find the right person to spend that time with is extremely important. The thing is we may not always get the time we think we deserve with someone. For whatever reasons things seem to end, and you have to start from scratch. So taking each flaw and failure you have seen in yourself and make sure you dedicate to maintaining vigilance in those areas so you don't falter again.
So I have extremely limited amount of experience, both in online relationships and in general kink. Leading up to the time when we had contracted to begin, I kept thinking. Who am I? What do I need? What is it Im looking for? I kept repeating those questions over and over until the hour struck midnight in her timezone. Unfortunately I did not come prepared. Still pulling my shenanigans from back in school. I never started a project until the last minute. Anyways outside of my moments of question time, I really didn't prepare much. I tried to be able to instill intention behind each action. To have purpose and reason for a certain behaviour. As much as I wanted it to happen, I did not instill much of anything spent my opportunities topping some orders around. It wasn't that I didn't learn anything while during my dominance phase, but there was blatant points as to why I was failing. It comes down to discipline and patience. A little bit of understanding *cough* and I never tapped into any of my dominant energy when I was trying to exude super manliness. Yeah that also did not happen. I do understand where I need to continue to focus my attention, and where to dedicate my time. It's just a step instead of the leap I was hoping for.
For my 48 hours of submission, I was fortunate that my goddess was exceptionally reasonable. It was an interesting experience as this was my first time ever being dominated. Although within the confines of an online relationship there are obvious limitations. I've found out that I need the physical presence of the other person which would help to bring out more of each side of me. I mean don't get me wrong it's a great place to start to interact, and meet new and exciting people. But as a relationship I would have an ultimate end goal of finding you in real life.
Anyways tangent averted, I found that submission was pretty straight forward. It was easy to go through what was required and I even found new enjoyment in a meal that has pretty much been the exact same for 1 month now. With some minor variations. But I was able to enjoy the same thing that I had always eaten because it was desired of me. As I even went about most of the things I didn't enjoy doing it was easier to go about and do what was asked of me. Simply because it was asked. I did have one significant moment of realization to me, and it was the fact that I needed to learn to become a servant of myself. As part of my path to dominance I need to go about and learn how to serve me. Because it starts there. I could feel it, and that was one moment in the middle of my submission where I finally was able to understand how to unlock one part of the switch to dominance.
I also had a moment where at the end of the first day, I passed out on my couch. FYI, my couch now puts me to sleep almost every night. I have a weird sleep schedule because I rotate day and night shifts, so I'm constantly adjusted my sleep pattern. As such when I am watching Netflix I usually end up passing out and waking up anywhere from midnight to 2 am and realize I need to actually go to bed. Unfortunately because I went unconscious I missed a number of messages and did not say goodnight. As such in the morning I got the opportunity to choose between two punishments. 1) standing on your tippie toes for 20 mins naked, time only counts when you are on your toes.
2)write 75 times "blah blah blah" can you tell which one I was already determined to do?
I found the perfect place in my house and I was fortunate that my roommate happened to be out shopping so I had the door cracked open just slightly. My goal was to be able to finish the time as close to 20 minutes as possible. Unfortunately as I began at 3:08 I needed to stop and use the washroom. Fortunately after relieving myself, I felt recharged to try again. This time I made it just past 7 minutes when I needed my next break. This was a quick stretch and toe wiggle to get blood flowing. After this I made good time and managed to make it just to 15 minutes. This time I needed a proper warmup so I wound up stepping away from the wall, gave 1 squat. Then moved over to do 2 single leg pistols on each leg. I stretched all the way through my hamstrings gave one more squat and finished with a wiggle. Then I was back at it to finish my last 5 minutes. All in it took me over 23 minutes to finish the assignment which I was pretty happy about. I didn't know what to expect, so as a starting point it was excellent. The thing about why I choose the naked toe standing was so I could get a calf workout in. I've honestly been neglecting my legs in my training and it was a great reminder to exercise my legs. So I made certain to thank my goddess for the opportunity to workout and exercise a section that I often neglect on a neglected section of my body. In many ways there is still a lot of growth for me to do, but I can see how I am slightly further ahead as a submissive than a dominant. More so that submission more naturally comes to me. Where as to obtain the dominance I have now found slightly muddled, requires even more clarity and focus. I will have to begin refining it once more and shape it exactly as I need. Just more work, time, patience and discipline.
Ultimately this was nothing but good for me, but I did obtain some really important parts of me. I just need to accept that I am here, and I can only focus on what's in front of me at this moment. There is no need to get distracted by those things that are trivial at this moment.
It's all slow progress, but I hope those that read this find assistance on their journey.
Have a great day everyone, see you in the PM.
