What up people???
Today is a glorious day. This is my final night shift before I happen to start my weekend. I will be getting 8 days off and hope to take action and fulfill some of the required tasks I need to get done.
I've been thinking a lot lately, about myself and how to get to where I desire to be. How do I take action? How do I move forward?
The thing is I've realized when it comes to the things I need to take care of in my life I always seem to fail because I approach the situation with the wrong statement and thought pattern.
I always show up and say "I need to". I need to, is a half approach. It says here is the problem, so now what? I need to mow my lawn. I need to clean my house. I need to do my laundry. I need to shower, brush my teeth, etc etc. I need to creates a situation where I succeed or fail. Either I do and succeed or I don't and fail. The thing is for me and how I live life that's setting me up for failure everytime. I need to begin thinking in terms of "I *WILL*". I will is a step farther in the right direction. I will, tells me yes there is a problem but I know the steps to correct it. I will take action. I will do what is necessary. Simply, I will.
I'm optimistic that changing my thought process from "I need to", into "I will" will be the catalyst that I need to take affirmative action in my own life. Luckily I'm sitting in front of 8 days to test this theory out. The thing is I need to give myself a wider berth when it comes to how I see myself and my "failures". Almost everyone I have spoken with lately has said that they deal with procrastination or some struggle with getting motivated. It's not just me. I'm not the only one who struggles. I have so much potential to change how I act, and I just need to work on how to make that change in my life. The little ways that I can motivate my own self. The tips and ways that work for me.
I was watching a video on learning to beatbox and the thing I realized is you have to work on finding those sounds yourself. No one can show you how to make that particular noise. I mean sure they can instruct you how to shape your lips, what techniques to work on so the result is flawless. But finding out how your body can move that way, how to make your lips and breath make that particular noise. It's the sweat equity. The time put forth and born out of persistence and determination. You have to find it for you. How that noise, that skill, that hobby, that chore, that new venture into a different area of kink works for you. It's all very personal and what works for me may ultimately fail you everytime. Because it's for me. It's not your path or way through, and maybe it helps. Maybe you take something away and think "Hey, I can apply that thought pattern to a situation in my life." I would be humbled if I could offer some assistance that helped you navigate a tough situation that you needed to address in life. That's not the goal though. My entire life has been focused on those around me. How do you see me? How will my actions effect you? Will the music I listen to bother you? Will my beatboxing annoy you? So I thought about my youth/past experiences in a new way that made a lot of sense and then left me feeling empty inside because I realized part of a problem in myself.
This thought hit my brain like a thunderstorm. Lightning flashed behind my eyes and thunder reverberated throughout my mind. I am not only a switch, but I've approached my entire life like a radio DJ's audio switchboard. Imagine the board in front of you, dials, switches and knobs all pertaining to different aspects of my personality. As I approach an interaction I listen and observe. I take information that I have about you that was previously true and apply it as if it still holds true. That is until that aspect changes, then you need to update the profile to keep on top of the current interaction. So the thing is I constantly adjusted the dials, I would take a little extra piece of this or that to accomodate whoever was in front of me. I have constantly been put in positions within my job to work with difficult employees because I get along with everyone. Because I'm constantly adjusting my levels to match who stands in front of me. I can find common interests and focus on that to keep conversations flowing, I learn how to work beside people that are challenging by using their nature against them. Take this interaction with an employee I had years ago. We were supposed to be doing valve survey. It's repetitive work, it is mentally draining but it's important because it's an insurance thing. This coworker did things his way and didn't really change for anyone. Even when there was a more efficient way of doing something. Why work harder when there is a better solution? Anyways, the best way to survive working alongside this particular individual was actually super simple. Bring lunch. We worked consistently all day long, but if you needed a break all you had to do was crack open a small portion of your food. Suddenly he would get hungry and then it was break time. He didn't even realize I was doing it. If I needed a minute pull out a granola bar and eat only that. I don't know if it was the smell of the food, or just seeing it made him hungry. Whatever it was I could control my breaks, because once that granola bar came out I would be finished eating in about 30 seconds, but he would want to go into the back and grab his whatever he brought for lunch. But he would take a few minutes to consume the food he had for the day. So I could sit and relax for a few minutes. I worked with him for an entire summer something like 4 or 5 months together. It never failed to help me get through being his work partner.
I'm now in the position of realizing that I constantly adjust myself to other people. For the first time, I'm actually alone as an adult. Right now, I have no one to adjust to. The thing is I've been asking and thinking the wrong way. It shouldn't be what can I do for you? I've been using that approach my whole life. It NEEDS to be, where is my baseline? Where do I naturally stand as a human? When there is no one to adjust to where do my dials, knobs and switches normally land on to create MY baseline? Who am I inside of bdsm? Where would I like to be? Is it aligned with my baseline? I know I can adjust myself to fit other people. I'm good at that. I read a blog that spoke about a doms neediness. Right now where I'm at, all I think is how do you see me? Am I doing this "right"? I would fall into that trap of being a needy Dom because I do not understand my baseline. I don't have my needs and wants clearly defined within myself. So the question isn't what can I do for you. The question becomes what can I do for me??? What do I need? What's important to me? Where are my values and beliefs and how do I best bring those important factors into this lifestyle to best incorporate everything into me? There are a lot of questions that I have for myself. I can answer some easily, and others I still am just beginning to answer. At least I'm beginning to ask the right things. I'm focused in the right direction. Now it's just a matter of where I take action. Of when and how I will.
I hope you all have an enjoyable evening and that you are able to take away something from my journey. If not, hopefully you just enjoyed the read.
Talk to you all in the future, and be well.
