Good Evening everyone,
So I am currently finishing day 6 of my 8 day weekend.
So I struggle with being productive and I have been looking at trying to come up with ways of helping to motivate myself.
I have a few solutions that have begun to work for me and all it comes down to is action. I hope to explain a few things through out this blog about my journey and where I'm at. I hope you have all been taking steps in your lives and living for each day.
So I just want to mention at the very beginning to my weekend I decided to celebrate with a dance party after I had finished a few bags of vape. I managed to dance myself out of my shorts, which was in part of my excellent dancing moves but also the fact that I have not updated my wardrobe to accomodate my "new" weight loss. I have found my niche it seems with my weight where it likes to just bounce up and down depending on the day for the last month or so it seems.
So it got me to thinking about my clothes and the style that I choose to wear. Personally I think I look pretty good in most anything I put on, but I really enjoy comfy clothing. Baggy, loose, large and covering. I don't really like to show off even though my physique has dramatically improved since I've begun my newer routines with diet and exercise. It was also something where most of my life where my mom would pick out my clothes or my girlfriend. I've never really found my style of clothing that I enjoy so when I go to update the wardrobe it will be like I'm shopping for my personal mark. When you think about it all clothing are costumes. It's just how serious or silly they happen to be. I mean tight suits that restrict my movement is not my style, or maybe I've just never found the right suit. I want my clothing to feel like a second skin. Hence comfy. But it should be a fun experience to shop by myself for my own wardrobe. I will definitely give an update the next time I shop for clothes, probably a year and a half from now.
So this weekend I tried setting a schedule for myself. I find I can get a little intense when I start putting things in lists. I mean I'm a very disorganized person. I've not found a filing system that works for me yet, and am working on putting my house in order. There is a lot to accomplish but fortunately by using a schedule and a new "I will" mentality I was able to accomplish some chores and tasks that I had been neglecting. I'm making progress forward, but Ive realized there needs to be a balance. If you are so rigid with the structure of a schedule somethings don't always get accomplished but you can't beat yourself up over it. Accept that sometimes you will be unsuccessful when you try something. You just need to be able to say did I accomplish 1 thing from my list? If so then you've made progress and you can work on that next thing tomorrow. If the number of things accomplished is 0 then do something really simple right then and there. Clean some dishes, brush your teeth, just do something simple and fast that is something for you. Force it to become part of the routine. There is also a huge part to say "Today I will accomplish nothing" and be okay with it. Choose to rest just don't make a habit out of making everyday a "rest" day. Learn to appreciate the moments we have and the time we have right here. It's all about balance and making sure you don't go too far to either side of the spectrum.
I really haven't been spending as much time on this site and I've been slightly more preoccupied with life but I don't want to disconnect from this community although sometimes I jump between hiding and being vocal. That and I always feel like somehow I'm just imposing my opinions, and I dislike sticking my nose places it doesnt belong. At the same time I love being told new information, and sticking my nose into situations that have my interest. I'm working on it though, I do want to be more open and get back to reading more blogs and beginning to see things from all different perspectives.
I realized some important factors to how I want to live in this lifestyle. I think one of the most satisfying moments for me in a relationship or interaction with someone considered a friend or more intimately your P/person would be that moment when they trust you enough to open up their heart and show you something no one else knows about. It becomes a tiny part of both of you in that moment, and it can bring you so much closer together. It's just trying to find that person that wants to let you in on everything. That is willing to let go with *you* because you are special and fantastic. I just want to experience life with someone who isn't afraid to show themselves to me in their entirety. But that's not easy to do for just anyone, each of us are such complex and unique beings. We all respond to different things and what excites one person may not align with what someone else enjoys. So it's not just about connecting on emotional levels, its the mental, the physical, our souls should resonate with one another. There should be willingness and interest in similar areas of kink or the ability to explore. There is a massive difference between thinking on something and acting on it. Example: My lawn. Thinking about cutting my grass gets me no closer to actually hacking it down until I get off of my ass into the mosquito ridden wetland that I live around and get eaten alive while I finish cleaning up my yard.
It's a huge difference, but the outcome can be unpredictable on a new kink you have never experienced in real life before. It's willing to take a moment to just experience it. Appreciate what you have when you have it, because so often we lose the important things in our lives one way or another. Maybe your favourite restaurant sold out and turned into a hotel. Perhaps a member of your family passed or a relationship ended. We never know how life will move, and you need to be open to the potential and opportunity in your life. While still being aware and responsible for the necessary things in your life.
I spent some time contemplating whether or not I was ready to head into the lifestyle as I am. The thing most required is an open mind, and a willingness to learn and accept what lessons are given along the way. To grow and transform with each step. If you approach this lifestyle with a similar mindset you will find success because it doesnt matter where you start. I thought about my journey, and why it's taking so long. It's because of where I started. In a lot of ways I had to reset all the errors and mistakes of my previous relationships. I really acted despicable and need to accept ownership of my previous mistakes. They are there and caused real damage to a very real person that now has to go through life handling the extra baggage I threw into her suitcase. When I think about where I am now in life I'm leaps and bounds from that person. It's just hard when no matter the effort put in you aren't viewed any differently. But I realized the reason this has taken a long time and will be a constant process as there are always new ghosts from our past that get in our way. At this point though I'm almost at the point where its just a matter of finding someone that truly fits and compliments me in the ways I need and want. I feel more ready now than I have in a long time. Although that's not to say I don't have yet more to accomplish and work out but who I am is much more prepared to step into the ring. I feel more confident each day and I enjoy the sensation of being in control of me. I have a long way to mastery but the right steps keep getting made.
There were 2 more events that were significant for different reasons over my weekend so far.
I had to go grocery shopping, and so on my night shift I stopped by Costco to grab some groceries. I brought them all into my work and tossed all my refrigerables into the fridge we have at work. I packed everything from the fridge back into my box and made it to my car. I had to set the box down for a second to get at my keys but when I put the box into the back I swore I saw butter and cream cheese in the box. I even remember when getting home putting everything on the counter and into the fridge. I thought I remembered putting in the butter and creamcheese. But when I went the next day to make a recipe given to me I couldn't find the new butter and creamcheese I had bought. It was no where and I looked through out my entire house and vehicle. I even checked under all of the seats in the vehicles and the freezer units. I lost my marbles and my cool, it's the tiniest little thing but the issue with me is that it felt like I was losing my mind. I began to imagine a situation where you lost the ability to trust your memories. I mean to me I saw myself placing the butter and creamcheese into the fridge. But high and low it wasn't there, which means it must have dropped or someone had taken it out when I set it down. I just couldn't fathom that I had lost both of them, that my mind had deceived me. Trust is a really important aspect of all things in life, and you need to have trust in yourself sometimes. That what we feel and experience and remember is true and because of that shapes how we see everything. It's not weird, it's just not for you and different. It's all a process and it takes a long time to find ourselves. We just need to keep looking until we see that next layer within ourselves, or maybe we need the help of our someone to come draw it out of us. Either case it's learning how to handle the triggers that pop up in our life and making sure we have appropriate responses to stress and misfortune in our lives.
*DISCLAIMER RELIGION AHEAD*
The other moment was a dinner with my parents. I would have to say it was pleasant enough and they tried really hard to make sure the meal fit into my keto diet as best as possible. But the thing about my parents is they are very religious in Christian beliefs. In some ways I have walked away from Christianity and I don't want to really get into a whole religion blog because really everyone is entitled it their opinion. I believe that your God is true to you, that's the easiest way I could explain it. Anyways, my parents did their usual thing. We made idle chitchat and talked about some old memories and different things. But the thing that kind of sticks in my craw were the two shots they took. It was a moment where we had finished our meal and my father spoke to me about the importance of religion in your life and how he wouldn't be where he is without God's guidance. The thing is he isn't wrong, for him. But I don't believe in Christianity. Honestly religion right now is as foreign to me as my style in clothes. I still have to find exactly what it is that I consider religion but if you needed an honest answer today I would say my religion is cannabis/drugs. It's a bit of a far stance but the spiritual journeys you can attend that can shape your world and universe and completely change how you live your life exists behind the magical trip down mushroom lane. Obviously this is something that needs to be appropriate for you and no matter where you delve you should do your research and find out more about it and whether or not it's right for you. But the point is I differ strongly from my father's opinions but everyday I grew up in that household I ate, breathed, drank and lived christianity. We went to church every Sunday and it was a part of my life while in my mother's womb. At some point I will need to express to my father that I do not hold his beliefs and values and he is a hard man to have a conversation with. More that needs to be addressed and dealt with in time. The other issue was when both of my parents brought up a woman that we knew from our church. I had seen her at church camp and she was a very lovely person. Apparently her husband just past away. About a month ago. She has 2 kids and is now a single mother but the way they brought it up just as I was leaving was like "Hey, this nice lady is available for you." I mean maybe I'm reading too much into it but it just seemed so obvious that they were trying to point me in the direction of their number one choice for my life. It's just I have a demon inside of me that I'm learning to control and once I have mastery of him there is very little doubt in my mind she would not fit into my lifestyle. Although that's also being slightly narrow minded because I have no idea what kind of kink she may be into. But I'm pretty doubtful that she would enjoy this lifestyle or choose to be apart of it. There is just no way that I could ever exist in the vanilla world again. That's another fun conversation that could happen with my parents. It's just a matter of how much I let them into my life again, but I don't know if there will ever be a time where I show them this side of me. It would cause fights and disrupt what we are trying to build so it's best I keep my boundaries up with my parents. I mean I'm hoping one day to actually express to them who I am and not hide any part of me, but of the man I know as my father he would not approve. I can be more honest about who I am with a bunch of "strangers" on the Internet than I can with my own parents. It's really sad that I cant trust that they will accept me, but I'm glad that I've found somewhere I can open up and freely express myself. In so many life changing ways this website has been a tremendous part of my restructuring and rebuilding. I want to thank the people I have connected with and who have helped me to grow. I wouldn't be who I am right now without my mentors, friends and acquaintances pushing and helping me along the way.
Thank you for all your help, and I hope that you are all enjoying your life. Celebrate today and this moment.
Oh I also found this song the other day. When I heard it on the radio I felt it captured this moment in my life and how I was feeling. It seemed to be so perfect for me. Then I saw the original music video and it became my favourite song right now 😂😂🤣
I hope the link works if not the song is called "This is It" by Marshal. Check it out if you have the time or are interested.
