MstrJ(dom male){~ENM~}

This one is NOT about food

*Ahem* Okay, so let's all take a deep breath and a small moment. I made this blog with the intention of making a post. Instead of creating a blog about ME, I made it with the sole intention of telling people about a small victory I achieved in an average everyday life experience.

So I'm here once again to say "Let's get this RIGHT". If you couldn't tell I enjoy food, so there will be moments where I share a mistake I made in the kitchen or a success. But that's not all I'm about.

I'm not a social media guy, I got rid of Facebook, didn't want instagram, said screw it to snapchat, refused tik tok and don't get me started on dating apps.... But I wanted to reach out and create something for myself and those around me who might gain some knowledge or better themselves from an experience I've had. (Yes, I still plan on talking about food. Just not the whole time.)

So Round 2, FIGHT!!!!

Sobriety

4 years ago. July 1, 2020 at 4:44 PM

Hey guys,

So I made a decision for myself.

I smoke cannabis everyday. Almost. Sort of depends what's going on in life, and all that noise.

So I have a few issues with substance abuse, although these issues have been in my past. I see the potential for my will to give in to the pull of each substance.

For me it used to be alcohol and cannabis.

I was depressed, addicted and flooding my system with as many substances to stop my pain.

Actually as a Christian raised individual, I would have never touched drugs in my entire life. I was raised that they were of the devil and you were condemned to hell when you choose drugs.

Well life happened. My girlfriend broke up with me. I absolutely deserved it. But I was miserable. I was smitten, and even though I ruined the relationship I was still completely crushed.

So depressed, angry and so many levels of frustrated I finished an assignment with a friend one night after we had both stayed late in the computer lab.

He turned to me and asked "Hey, to celebrate you want to go smoke?"

We had had discussions previously about cannabis, and I asked questions nonstop. I was curious and wanted to know more.

But when that moment came to choose, I was so frustrated and low I said "Fuck it, let's get stoned" Maybe this substance could help change how I felt. I was miserable and hurt and at that time I didn't really accept my role in the destruction of our relationship.

So we drove out to a park near my house, sort of halfway between my house and my friends. I remember that entire night. It was the first time I had smiled in months. I had fun. It changed my life that night because I experienced life in a new way that shifted my mind. Whether that was good or not I'm not sure.

Here I am now. So back when I was in university I abused cannabis. The thing was I used to abuse alcohol. Until that night that I found cannabis. Everything then changed for me, and in many ways I was finished with alcohol because I now had a different substance that I enjoyed myself more on. So I shifted from drinking myself silly, to smoking myself into a stupor.

So I at one point I was encouraged to stop my destructive behavior in my life, but the reason I changed was to prove to my new girlfriend that she mattered to me more than a substance.

Everytime I've chosen sobriety it was for someone else, or my work. The reason was always for someone else.

I know why I use cannabis in my life now, I don't allow it to control me like it used to. The thing though when you use it everyday there is a part of you that becomes clouded as to the reasons you are using a substance.

So it's time for me to take a small step back, reevaluate and see where I'm at for me with my use of cannabis.

So I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't use cannabis until my birthday in July.

Its just a few weeks away, and while it may not be much I'm just going to take this one day at a time and make certain I'm still using cannabis for the right reasons for me.

I hope you all have a beautiful day and find joy today.

Crow(dom male) - As long as you keep doing it for others, you will always resort back to it in times of pain. You need to do it for You but only if you want to.

4 years ago

MstrJ(dom male){~ENM~} - Absolutely, and part of stepping away from it is to make sure I'm using it for the right reasons.

To make sure I'm still using it for the right reasons.

4 years ago

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - I drank for most of my life...and I mean MOST of it. As hard as it is to believe, I started when I was about 4 years old at my grandparents house. They would send ME to go refill their drinks of blackberry or apricot brandy. "One for MEEEE, and one for you...".

I had brief periods of sobriety because if AA or because I was pregnant and breastfeeding.

As a Muslim, I am required to Fast but because of health reasons, I am exempt. So, I decided 3.5 years ago to "fast" using alcohol as my "food" stand-in....but I knew I had to be smart about it.

I planned. I weaned myself off slowly. It took a year and a half of planning but now, without AA, I have been sober for 2 years.

My reason may have been for my religious beliefs, but I did it for me. I took into consideration my weaknesses and my bodies physical dependence on alcohol and as any Sadist can identify with...I pushed my personal envelope. It hurt, physically, at times but I was able to increase my time before picking up that first drink to later and later in the day till......

Till the need for sleep became more powerful than my need to drink. THAT was a turning point for me. Then, I knew ..then, I knew I could do it and when I started to FORGET to pick up my allowed drink if the day...it was easy to not pick it up at all.

Like Crow said, you need to do it for you. You need to figure out a way that sings to you about how to deal with emotional pain instead of picking up that joint....

Find that way....you can do it.

4 years ago

MstrJ(dom male){~ENM~} - I guess the thing is it's not about getting away from Cannabis permanently.

I love the substance and want to choose to have it in my life.

I just want to ensure its for the right reasons.

I mean I used to lean on substances to avoid my emotional pain, but I'm no longer someone who relies on other substances to alter my emotional state.

But part of my journey when I continue to use cannabis is to make certain it's for the right reasons.

Thank you for sharing part of your journey though SBD. You are tremendous and I am so proud that you have been sober 2 years. That is such an accomplishment!!!

I wish you all the luck continuing to move forward in your life without a substance controlling you.

4 years ago

SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Now I need to do the same with tobacco. I picked That up because it was my way of escaping physical and sexual abuse.....and to fit in socially. Dealing with my history has stirred up the hornet's nest so I feel like I am MORE dependent on it than ever before.

It's fustrating.

4 years ago

MstrJ(dom male){~ENM~} - It doesn't matter what they can be but substances are there as crutches. Whether it was trauma, abuse, a breakup. We all try and use those means to help calm our nerves or centre ourselves.

The issue for me became very quickly though that I didn't want to exist in the "normal" plane of existence. I wanted to be fucked up, I didn't want to think. I didn't want to exist anywhere except within my mind. Cannabis could put me in such a state that all I did was ignore those around me so I could isolate myself in my mind. That's where I was happy and whole.

So I constantly went in search of finding that peace, from a joint, a bong rip, my vape, whatever I could get my hands on to feel free from the pain.

I don't run from my emotions anymore. I do my best to face them down and find out why and what's happened.

I know I don't need cannabis but I love it and want it in my life. So it's making sure I approach it correctly because I can let it control me if I give power to it.

But we take it one thing at a time. One problem at a time. Honestly I've never touched cigarettes because I didn't want that substance in my life.

I wish I could offer some support and help with your struggle to overcome tobacco, but I know lots of people where it's taken double digit attempts to quit to finally get it to stick. If it's a change you wish to make in your life, then I hope it goes well for you. If you ever feel the need to chat send me a message SBD!

Have a wonderful day, and I hope things improve for you soon. Best wishes.

4 years ago

Bunnie - This was a beautiful read, thank you.
I kept reading “I need to know I’m doing it for the right reasons.”

What are the right reasons?

I ask this to point out the pattern you’re telling yourself around this. Your “safety blanket“ if you will. We all have that “voice of reason” when it comes to addiction.

The thought that came to me whilst reading, is that clearly your previous “right reasons” no longer sit right. That’s a really great thing. What you choose to do with that is where change lies... but change is never easy.

You will find a strength inside yourself that you never knew existed, when you’re ready for change though.
Good luck, you’re on a very brave journey... one I highly commend :)

4 years ago

MstrJ(dom male){~ENM~} - Thank you Bunnie, I deeply appreciate your words.

So for me right now, it's making certain that I'm not hiding away using cannabis. I don't want it to be something that isolates me from people.

The thing is though if I begin to use the substance to help create stability in my life that's the WRONG reason to be using it. At least for me.

I need to have stability in my life already. I need to be able to handle my emotions, my feelings and thoughts. I need control over myself, so when I use cannabis it's to aid in calming my soul.

I need to make sure I use it to handle the discomfort and physical pain I feel. Not the emotional pain.

But I also use it to focus my mind. So it's something that Im working on when sober, but when I use cannabis and try to exercise. Or beatbox. Or dance. Or *insert task* When it comes to the physical task of moving, connecting muscles to action, I can focus my mind exactly on the muscle groups I want to activate. I can get a way more effective workout, a better singing session or gain a new sound in beatbox just by trying somethings while inebriated.

There is just a way my mind connects to the muscles movements and actions when I'm stoned that isn't there when sober.

So I use it primarily for those reasons, but I also fall into the trap of using it because it's there.

So I just want to ensure I am moving forward in the best possible way, and need to evaluate if smoking cannabis brings benefit or detriment to my life.

But thank you Bunnie, I hope you have an amazing day.

4 years ago

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MstrJ​(dom male){~ENM~}

This one is NOT about food

Sobriety

MstrJ(dom male){~ENM~}