Hi Everybody!
(I totally imagined this being said like Dr. Nick from the Simpsons)
So a tiny update.
Today my suspension is over. I get to enjoy my Monday shift which also happens to be my Friday. Oh one day work weeks.... Now if I happen to have a bit of banked time I will see if I can payout a few hours and at least try to mitigate this loss of wage.
Hopefully everything will turn out okay, but it's one of those wait and see moments.
So I also didn't realize exactly how stressed I've been with all the ridonkulousness going on in my life. A friend pointed out that I've got a lot that could be considered "stress". The thing is I've been trying to hold firm in my mind that "I'm not stressed".
I've been playing this game this whole time of peek a boo. Except the game goes more like this, "I can't see you so you aren't there".
But closing your eyes and ignoring the situation DOES NOT change anything!! I've been doing this my whole life in a lot of ways.
It's time to open my eyes. To see the truth and just accept it. To take action and ownership of the shit in my life.
So with that all said, part of why I also wanted to write a little Diddy today is because I wanted to update you all on my sobriety.
Absolute, CATASTROPHIC FAILURE!
In the most grand of ways. So I had a little back and forth in the comments of a blog. The thing about me is that I have a huge deal/paranoia/worry/anxiety over being dependant on substances. Abuse and addiction to substances is a prevalent thing in my family. It's something that my Father has actually drilled into me my whole life. Another piece that I hold his views instead of mine. I've always had a level of concern over my family and how addiction could impact my life. The weird part is when you focus on addiction in many ways it becomes worse. It becomes the focus and suddenly everything in your thinking and life exists for that sole piece of acquiring whatever substance you were using. For me that was alcohol and drugs. I was so concerned that I would fall into the patterns and habits that was a problem for my family it seemed. This blog though made mention that coffee is a tool, and if it's not hurting anyone and is offering assistance why not use it? See I even considered caffeine to be a substance that my body could become dependant on. So during my time in University I would try to avoid using coffee and I would work towards denying myself what might have been something that could have helped me.
Allow me to get a little weird but cannabis is my coffee. When I smoke there is a weird sense where I honestly feel more genuine, more sincere and more authentic. Here's the rub. I was worried that smoking was the cause of my laziness and procrastination. But I can be spectacularly lazy when sober as well as when I'm stoned. It has nothing to do with me being inebriated. Honestly more often I'm being productive because I am floating in my own perfect bubble. So why is it that I choose to deny myself something that I use as a tool daily to help myself? I've worked through a lot of my reasons and hangups on my abuse and what it's done in my life. I see why and when I'm using cannabis and if it's not hurting anyone, is a legal and permissible thing to do as an activity, helps me work through and handle my stress, my emotions, my ability to be me. It can focus my attention exactly where I need it to. Or can aid in that, but it is all about the mentality coming in. Literally "where is my head at?"
Am I considering the proper variables? What's most important? How many things need to be accomplished? What can you do in the next 5 minutes? If you have to leave for work you have just under 10 hours to get everything finished. What should be accomplished and needs to be accomplished in that time?
If you don't bring the right mentality you will falter and fail before you begin. It's irrelevant whether I'm intoxicated or not because I can function fairly well while "fucked" up on cannabis. I'm actually hitting my vape right now and have been this entire blog.
Now this still pulls at the struggle that I'm constantly battling. My integrity. Saying "Hey, this is something I'm going to do" and making certain my actions line up with what I'm saying. The thing is in this one instance I'm going to say that the usefulness and benefit gained outweighs my honour in integrity. So chalk this one up as a loss, but that doesn't mean that I will walk forward with any less integrity. It's still something that I'm working on creating and fortifying in my life. This is just a tiny step in the wrong direction, but that allows for greater momentum forward.
The point is I'm tired of looking at the things I love and saying "I shouldn't". There always seems to be a fight within myself when it comes to accepting part of who I am. The thing about struggling is eventually it makes you a little stronger.
I hope you all have a wonderful celebration and 4th of July, but be safe and don't party too hard.
I also had 2 songs that I really wanted to share. This first one had my whole body tingling when it came on so I figured that was a sign I should share it.
And this one just makes me happy haha
Have a fantastic day everyone!
