Holy hand baskets everyone,
It has been a few days. I had deeply wanted to write a blog previously but I was underwhelmed with topics. For a few days I could not imagine anything inside my head that I wanted to spread to the outside world.
I was at a loss and kept wanting to write something.
Until last Thursday, when I realized my weekend was going to ridiculous. I have been wanting to write something because I have so much that's gone on in the last few days.
To say it has been a rollercoaster would be selling it just about right. There has been tremendous positive things in my life, and I'm extremely grateful for the people I can lean on when I'm not my best self.
So I would really enjoy taking you through a portion of what occured and my thought process and results.
I guess I should begin with my work week last week. I was very negligent with my attention to my household and needed to do some lawn maintenance. It was so bad that I was called by my villages bylaw, requesting the mowing of my lawn by Monday.
Anyways, I went from sitting on my rear end to having so much work to do over my weekend and the moment I realized all of this was when I had an event going on Thursday evening. Suddenly it all clicked in my mind exactly what was going on that weekend.
I had a party in which I held a role of importance. I had events to connect with people and it turned out to be my birthday the Monday after the weekend, so I had dinner plans with my parents on the Sunday evening.
I worked Friday, had Saturday and Sunday off. Then had to go back and work Monday to Wednesday this week, (heck yes tomorrow is Friday for me)
So Friday I just went through my regular shift and I just relaxed in my evening.
Saturday, I began my day early. I had a lot to get done. Today was my friends party. Last year he organized an event, right around this time. It is meant to be a Stampede party. For those that may not know, the Calgary Stampede is one of the largest outdoor rodeos in the world. We host the event through to showcase agriculture and all sorts of events. They have carnival rides and the most terrible but amazing food. Deep fried and delicious. They have musicians and the whole spiel. Anyways, because of Covid they had to cancel the event but as things have begun to open he was able to host a block party. It started early in the morning and while he was organizing the event he was speaking about having someone referee the games for the beer Olympics. I offered my abilities and services to become one of the refs for the day.
But on Saturday I had made plans to have a conversation with my friend at 11 am and there was no way in hell I was going to miss that conversation. So I began my yard work early Saturday which was a really good thing, because my weed whipper ran out of fuel. So I had to take an hour's worth of time to go get some supplies from my nearest store. Luckily I bought the right type of fuel for the weed whipper I have, but the whole ride home it was hard not to think "I've bought the wrong shit". Luckily I guessed right and bought the fuel I needed, so I was able to finish cleaning up my front yard which was my goal on Saturday and then Sunday I was going to finish my back yard. So I finished whipping everything down and checked the time it was 10:15 am. The thing was I had written on my calendar that our conversation was supposed to happen at 10:00 am (Wishful thinking that we could talk sooner, but we didn't calculate our time zone difference correctly) I was super thankful that I was able to have a bit of time because I needed a shower. During my time taking care of my lawn I was all dressed up with big winter boots, sweatpants and a winter jacket that made me look like a lumberjack. I had to layer up because I live on marshland and my house and yard houses around 10,000 mosquitoes my largest nemesis of the bug community. So dressed to the nines I was sweating bullets. Dripping. I also had an issue with my glasses constantly falling off of my face because I've bent my frames from dropping them too many times. It's a vicious cycle.
Anyways, I managed to shower and relax for a few minutes before my conversation with my friend. We had an absolutely outstanding conversation and during our conversation I mentioned a really important thing I have found for myself. I need to be able to rely on myself more than anyone. I need to be responsible for me and mine, and I had discussed taking the year of 29 for Jon. The thing is in so many ways I'm exceptionally happy right where I am, and I dont need to be anywhere else.
So after our wonderful and fulfilling conversation I had to get a couple things ready for the party. I was actually in the middle of doing laundry so I had to wait for all my clothes to dry before I could get dressed and at that point I had also realized that I hadn't eaten anything yet that whole day. So I made the most amazing breakfast of coconut milk and chia seeds. Super tasty and awesome. I have really enjoyed them for a super quick and easy breakfast.
So finally, laundry done, food consumed, dogs happy and taken care of, and ready to finally go. By the time I drove into my friends place it was around 1:30 pm or so. When I drove up there were signs all over saying "Block Party". So the way my friend organized the party was such that it was kid friendly until 8 pm. So there were signs up to drive slow, he had a bouncy castle set up, a treasure hunt for the kids and all sorts of events and made it easy to access snacks from a local restaurant that donated food and drink. There was a DJ that showed up after 6 pm and started playing music until after midnight. So my role was to take over the beer Olympics and games. My buddy, he had so much on his plate he wanted to delegate the games so he didn't have to think about them.
Which meant that I had autonomy. I had control over the games. *I* was the final say along with the other gentleman who had agreed to ref beside me. So I arrived at the party, and I began to familiarize myself with all the rules of the different games we had set up and the different areas. I wanted to know my responsibilities so I could answer any questions as best as I could. So I took the rules that had been printed off for me and went about using my buddies kitchen as my staging area. Working from a clipboard and my awesome brain space, I began working out how I wanted to run the games. I had some pretty good ideas, and was getting excited for my role as "The Referee". I had really wanted to apply just a tiny bit of the lifestyle to my approach as governor of games, so part of my preparation was the mental side before I stepped out of the house. I stood there and repeated in my head, "I'm the referee" over and over. It was a way to embrace and embody everything that I wanted to. So I first found out and took my time scouring up and down the block counting heads and asking people to create pirate groups with team names and all your members so I could track who was playing alcoholic games vs non alcoholic games.
I created a system that I understood and once we got everything going I quickly realized how inefficient I had designed my "round robin tournament". Because I didn't design anything. I set up and organized everything right there in those brief moments of centering myself. I did not pre plan anything and literally flew by the seat of my pants. There were moments where everyone would respond and suddenly it was "Oh what's next" "Who are we playing" So I would have to figure out available teams, along with available games and try to mix and match opponents. Honestly I did phenomenal although the system I organized was not really well established as I had to leave for a few hours to feed my dogs and let them outside. Unfortunately my other referee disappeared because he had family and friends stopping into town. Which was fine but when I left and handed everything over to my replacement the whole system fell apart. As much as I explained everything as best I could and I knew which teams were playing on which games it was a really poor system that was ultimately not well organized. I hope to have the chance in the future to run it again because I can do even better.
But I had people pop by throughout the evening to tell me how organized, fun and the general awesomeness of what was accomplished. The thing was I didn't feel like I was much responsible for the organization of the party. I kept telling people my friend did all the work, but the truth is I did a damn good job. I was going non stop back and forth trying to keep everything going. As much as there were times where I was stressed and caught like a deer in headlights I still managed to keep composed.
I had so much fun being in control. So many times I just had the biggest goofiest grin on my face, and it usually occured after I requested specific help with setting up or asking one person to take care of "holding this".
There was also a really funny moment where I "propositioned" a woman nearly twice my age although I will say I am ATROCIOUS when it comes to estimating age. I was trying to find her a teammate, and we had an odd number of teams so I asked her to break up her team and create a new one with a few others. She mentioned how her husband had left her for another woman (apparently he didn't want her on his team) so I made a joke about how that before I could proposition her she would need to be rid of her husband.
The reason I bring all of this up is because there was an interesting moment later in the afternoon. So a little while after this interaction, I was in my staging area writing down some info and grabbing some necessary "equipment" (beer) for the games. Anyways this lovely lady was looking for me to record the latest win from the beer pong table. So the kitchen where I was staying is hidden from the front door. The door was completely wide open, but she stopped at the frame and requested permission to enter the domicile. So I allowed her into the living room and came to meet her at the door because I had finished everything I needed to do. So she told me how the games had gone, and mentioned she could offer her help reffing in my place and would come record the games. So I told her which two teams were playing next and as she left the house she looked over her shoulder and said "I've left my husband, just so you know". I had no clue if she was actually serious but it put a smile on my face.
The thing was the beer Olympics completely fell apart when I Ieft at 6:30 pm. By the time I made it back which was around 9 pm, things had completely stopped for the games. In some ways it was actually nice because I finally had some time to relax and enjoy the party myself instead of being responsible for it. My buddy even mentioned how much it was like I was working even before I left to get feed my animals. So when I got back I relaxed. Although I still wasn't super comfortable so I spent a fair amount of time just milling about not really talking to different or too many new people. I honestly enjoy finding a quieter spot and staying there and allow people to come to me. That's just my preference. Especially when in unfamiliar territory. The thing is as "the ref" I had a purpose to interacting with everyone. I needed to get all the teams, I had to relay information, and interact with everyone. But I had prepared and readied myself for that. As me though??? Just enjoying my time there? I take a completely different approach. So I found lots of reasons to run back into the house to use the washroom, or fill my water (amazing cycle as each one perpetrated the other) or to enjoy my vape that I brought along. But I did also shine just a little bit and break out of my shell.
There was a few moments where no one was dancing and since the DJ booth was set up on a front lawn we could dance in the street. There was a moment near the beginning of when I got back that I wound up busting a move so hard my phone fell out of my pocket. I knew it was going to happen but I had to press pause on my awesome dance moves to deal with my phone. Luckily it wasnt any more damaged than it currently is, but I really did enjoy the rest of the party.
I also realized my error at this point in the night and that was that each team did not get equal opportunity to play games during the beer Olympics. So if I do end up showing up next year I need to organize a schedule of which teams will rotate and to which games so that it's a fair chance for everyone. Because I messed that up in the very beginning it became difficult to award the winners. So to make it fair to everyone and after some hemming and hawing I decided we would do a dance competition for the winners. It was ridiculously sad as 4 people jumped at the opportunity. No one was really interested so, the "grand finale" turned into a bit of a bust.
Really the last thing of the night was the moment I got lasso'd on the dance floor. Although she was doing this to everyone pretty much, since there were not a ton of people interested in busting a move. It still felt really awkward and weird but I did allow myself to spin with her until I nearly fell over. I remember stopping and I was looking at the tree that overhangs the DJ tent, and they had those light up projectors for decorating houses and large areas with colourful lights. I remember staring into the tree trying to catch my balance while these green lights shifted and moved all around and I thought I was still spinning.
Honestly the party was a pretty large success and so many people just enjoyed themselves. So it was an absolutely awesome time and hopefully there will be another opportunity next year.
Fortunately I left the party around 1:30 am or so, and made it safely home and let my dogs out and then completely passed out.
Sunday I took it easy, but still had to finish cutting through my backyard which took a few hours of my day. I took my time so much that I actually missed a munch that I was supposed to attend. But I just barely had enough time to shower and head to my parents house for a birthday dinner after I got my backyard finished. By the time I was done and back home after the weekend and work week I was just pooped.
So Sunday night I get home and completely fall into the trance my couch can put on me.
Now at this point I hadn't set my alarms and did not plug my phone in.
I woke up Monday morning at 6:15 am. I needed to be at work by 6:30. I was so late that I rushed to take care of everything I needed to before I could leave, and called my boss telling him I would be late.
When I finally made it into work, I was a little flustered. I managed to turn the whole day around though and even though we were busy I handled myself exactly as I needed to. I had multiple instances of dealing with irate customers, getting them answers and alleviating their concerns. My due diligence kept us from making a terrible mistake that could have been very costly, and I was doing everything I needed to.
My co worker was even super awesome and allowed me some time with my family so we could have a family zoom meeting and look through some photo albums.
But I spent my entire day so focused and busy, I desperately wanted to write this blog yesterday but I just didn't have time. Even today I have been working on this since the morning. Writing a paragraph or few sentences here and there so that now that I'm home I would be able to finish this without using all of my time for this evening.
Anyways, by the time I finished work I was actually supposed to join another munch just through the discord app. So I drove home partly listening to music and beatboxing, until 7 pm rolled around. I spent the next 2 hours just creating awkward situations that were small misunderstandings but kept piling up. I'm also the type of person who can shut down and withdraw from those I feel like I've made a fool of myself around. So after a few silly little misunderstandings I felt the need to approach and apologize the person in charge of the online munch. During our conversation she asked me what I had hoped to gain and what I could offer by being accepted into the community.
I thought about it and I don't exist within that city at all. I work there and that is my only connection there. I live outside the entity that is the city. I've also realized how little effort I've put towards embracing that community, because I've put all my efforts here into this community. I really felt out of place, and not that I didn't feel welcome but I just didn't feel like I belonged there. But there was a lot said in the conversation and when I finished talking it was 9:15 pm.
So at this point I realized a few things. But there was a very critical moment during my conversation that shattered my perception of myself.
So my mind hasnt given me trouble in a while. I've been extremely stable with my mental health and keeping positive and remaining in control of myself.
But this shook me.
It was like looking out through a cockpit window, but you realized the window is actually just a cardboard cutout and the framework literally cracked and split. The entire stability of my mind just shattered and the negativity that had been sealed away just sprung forth. There was not a positive thought that went through my head. I literally squished myself into my couch and tried to become one pushing myself into the cushions. I began to actually process my day.
I thought through my morning, waking up late, busting my ass all day, even to the conversations and comments that absolutely made their way under my skin with my family during our conversations. Just tiny little things that don't even register that they are bothersome until hours later when you look back and realize how much that actually DID bother you.... Even just the feeling that I was left absolutely and completely alone as soon as I finished talking at the munch.
But I was fortunate for many reasons. One I gave myself time to grieve and bawl like a baby. I felt my fear and doubts and let everything just overwhelm me because I was feeling just terrible. The thing was I had barely eaten anything, I had a long and stressful day, and trying to participate in a munch when I had no time to prepare for it was a little much. The thing was I tried to compose myself a few times, managing to sort of gain control over myself. Until my Aunt texted me a birthday wish, along with a very nice memory of my grandmother. The thing is my grandma passed away a few months ago. Actually about a week after I wound up separating from my wife.
But the thing about this memory just brought up the fact that I had ignored my grandmother along with my family for the last 6 year's or so. I barely saw her before she passed and the memory my Aunt shared with me was the how happy my grandma was that I came to visit her the night prior. Except she was asleep so I didn't want to wake her up and we never actually talked. In many ways, I didn't say goodbye. Which when my mind was already tilted just helped me back over the edge once more.
Luckily for me I have an amazing friend who was there and was able to help pull me back into reality. Which at that point was my exhaustion and famine. So I managed to kick my butt and make myself a birthday dinner. It was a ton of mushrooms cooked in butter and coconut oil, with a chicken breast. There is nothing special about that dinner, it's almost the exact same thing I eat every night. But I needed sustenance and it was perfect.
So I'm finally 29.
I still have a lot to figure out, but I'm here and found an amazing place to connect and grow. I hope to continue to interact with everyone and be able to create more connections with amazing people.
I don't know what I would have done without the insanely amazing people I have found here.
I want to sincerely thank those that have watched and participated in my journey so far.
I'm really excited for my future, because I'm slowly learning to accept that I'm an awesome person. I just have technical issues with technology that make me seem like a creeper who is lurking around. The thing is I am just going to lurk right here and continue to do the same things I have been. I've found out and continue to find out through my friends how significant my impact can be, and I'm exceptionally happy that I can make a difference within those people that interact with me.
I want to continue to make a difference and grow not only as a person but within my capabilities throughout the community.
Okay. Now it's dinner time.
I really hope you all have a superb evening/afternoon/morning! Depending on where you exist in the world.
