Well hello again,
It seems we keep bumping into each other at the same point. Perhaps that's because you have found some interest in my journey or perhaps you were just bored today.
But I had a very interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine who is becoming more and more significant in my life in many ways. She has always posed questions about my process and prodded into my life because I want to know her opinion. I'm curious to see her perspective and the questions she asks helps me define myself when I explain parts of who I am. Sometimes I just ramble until something strikes my head like lightning and I realize "how much this is me" while attempting to explain myself to her.
So today, I brought up one of the issues that I will struggle with for probably a little while yet. It had to do with my age. My experience. My ability and again what it is I can offer.
She made a comment about my honesty. She expressed and informed me that I have the potential to shape and offer an abundant source of "value". I just never saw it as such which is often the case with me.
I can be downright ignorant sometimes. Oblivious even. Until someone can point and say to me "Hey, you help me this way." *POINTS AND FLAPS ARMS* I tend to dismiss myself (another comment mentioned by my friend who does not want to see me disregard myself) The point is though that I struggle seeing my own value.
Oh!! Yeah so I've spoken about confidence and how I'm gaining more. Just understanding and internalizing that there is a massive difference between self love, and confidence.
So I'm beginning to be more confident in my abilities but something that is still lacking in a sense of self worth and appreciation for my effort. I still do not value myself.
I still hide my eyes to my own work, and pretend like I'm not doing any good.
The thing is I have been working on a number of different viewpoints.
I would like to begin with understanding. Understanding ownership. The thing is I hope to become a fully realized dominant at one point in my life. So in part of walking my journey is understanding how ownership of myself, my thoughts and actions, my property, my physical self, those around me, the things I'm responsible to and for, the relationships in my life. It's about understanding what might ownership of a relationship with my father might look, sound or feel. How is that different than a relationship with a friend? How is ownership within a relationship different than ownership of property? Where is the responsibility towards that physical property? How is that different from physical item to item?
As you can tell there was a bullet train of thoughts and questions rushing through my head. Each one has to be looked at and evaluated on its own, and has to fit within my life and how I choose to walk. Ownership of my relationship with my father has to do with understanding him and myself. I create boundaries for consent because he would not be fully accepting of my lifestyle. So to protect myself and him keeping things a little lighter has to be my response. Because I know him. It's unfortunate that I may never be able to fully express myself to him, he will never know all of me and that is a sad thing. But I do not wish to put added stress on a relationship that has already undergone a significant trial. (I can get into it, but there was a period of about 6 year's where I did not interact with my parents, siblings or nieces and nephews) I am working on improving my relationship with my family, and the thing is I already adjust myself according to the family member.
Example! My interaction with my sister. I've already told her that I'm into bdsm as a lifestyle. I have had a closer connection with her than with any member of my family and as such she has been the first person that I've opened up to. I can express myself more openly because she is more likely to accept all of me without reservation. Although I do need to be careful because I trust her more than the rest of my family it hurts when she betrays my confidence more than anyone. It's also a problem because I let her in more than anyone, and as such she has the most potential to hurt me. Which she has done in the past but trying to get past that stuff means allowing her an opportunity to prove she is trustworthy. So giving her a small piece of myself that I haven't shared with anyone else in my family is a way of doing that.
Worst case scenario is everyone becomes aware of my preferred lifestyle. The thing is I hold no shame over my desires any longer. I can have a conversation with my father about why I resonate with bdsm, but I am doubtful that he would understand. Which is why I choose not to allow him into this portion of my life.
You can look at it anyway and say I'm being small minded, if I'm willing to give my sister a chance why not my father?
The difference is the person. I mean if my sister chooses to tell my family about my preference then I will handle the conversation at that time. But it's not something that matters because it doesn't affect my relationship with my father. I would enjoy being able to wholly express myself and not hide any part of who I am, but I'm afforded that opportunity here. So do I need my father to understand this part of me? Not when I feel like it would add more strain and potentially ruin what progress we have made.
But the thing is ownership isn't just about the relationships around you. It's about taking ownership over how you breathe. It's about taking ownership of the air you use to fuel who you are. I mean we can get super critical and break this down to the point where you consider the ownership of intention. When you intentionally shift how you walk, your swagger, how you hold your body, the way you breath. You can own everything about your life, it's in part understanding what that looks like to you.
So for my physical space (which is a nightmare) I see ownership as having clean surfaces from the kitchen to the bathroom to the yard outside. Although a clean surface outside would be trimmed trees, mowed lawn, the siding of my house, the fence, cleaning up the doggy fecal matter.
I have gloriously failed in my physical space in my life in ownership. My living room is a mess, my kitchen a bit of a disaster. Currently my mattress resides on my floor with no sheets or boxspring. I don't even have a bedframe for my mattress at this moment. Fortunately my bathroom is clean because I took care of it a little while ago, but the issue with cleanliness is that it's always required again. Given enough time things get dirty. Life is messy especially when you have dogs. So I constantly have to keep up with cleaning, and as a child I never liked to clean. So as an adult I need to find ways to motivate myself to take care of what's necessary and important to owning my life. Especially now that I'm expressing it beyond just thoughts in my head. Because when I speak the words in my mind they haven't been actualized. They aren't real because I'm just making this all up in my head. So when I expressed myself openly to my friend and voiced for the first time aloud to someone else "ownership" finally became real to me. Which means now I am responsible for clean surfaces. I have to be accountable and hold a certain standard in my own life that I would expect ANYONE, INCLUDING MYSELF to hold to.
So understanding this and expressing it today in written form is a way that I can begin to move forward. I am saying the words aloud and going to embody these ideas of ownership into each area of my existence.
How am I going to do this for my physical space when I've not had success before? If you have spent any time reading my blogs you will know I procrastinate. I put everything off for as long as possible. As such my floors as dirty. My lawn is kind of okay, but should be handled today or tomorrow else it will become a massive hassle to handle. I have laundry in all manner of random spaces that shouldn't be there, but should be taken into the laundry room and washed so I have clean clothes to wear. I need to make sure I am looking after my hygiene and maintaining consistent patterns of showering and brushing my teeth.
So I recently attended a mediation class. I stepped into the deep end a little bit and was thrown about with very little understanding of what it was that I was trying to do. The thing was during the class I kind of forgot how to breath and I wasn't in the right mindset. I also struggle with sitting still. Unless I smoke cannabis.
The thing is I'm hoping to be able to utilize effective methods of visualization and mediation as a tool and be able to utilize them as I need within my day and life. As such, I cannot smoke just anytime I wish. So as much as getting high can cheat me into that mindset immediately I would enjoy learning how to find my way there without any substance.
But I had a very "Aha" moment for me. The other day I hit my vape and while in that already altered state of being I began to think about my life and the goings on and try to find some time to meditate and find understanding within myself.
I had recently taken all of my dogs for an outing to visit with my wife, as she hadn't seen the dogs in over a month. It's been a huge adjustment for her not having her babies around so we are making plans to try and keep her connected with the animals. What that will look like is still up for debate and will be determined by schedules and other nonsense.
The point though was while I was meditating and going through my mind I realized something significant to me.
I do not appreciate the things I have in my life.
Part of going forward is determining how the eventual divorce will split up our family. Tentatively we have decided that I will get Max (Great Dane) and the two Kitty's, while my wife will get Teddy (Pomsky) and Lucian (German Shepard).
While meditating I thought about saying goodbye to Lucian and Teddy. The idea that at one point they will no longer be in my life.
Before I could really follow that path into the emotions and depth of all that it would mean for me to no longer see Lucian or Teddy, it clicked in my head that I don't appreciate my time with them as much as I could.
It was this thought of not appreciating the things in my life that I have.
I do not appreciate my home for the protection that it offers me. The reason I don't appreciate my house is because I do not take proper care of it. Well no, I don't appreciate my house because it still doesn't feel like I've earned it. But my lack of attention is discernable because there is evidence everywhere that I don't respect my home. I don't appreciate any aspect of it, because I've allowed it to get into such a state of disrepair. The same has gone for almost all aspects of my life. You can tell that I do not appreciate physical things in my life because there is no care to detail around them.
Take for example my desire to appreciate the people in my life. I will do my utmost to show people that matter in my life just how they matter and why they matter. I will take effort to show that I appreciate the work and time they have dedicated to me. I will try to reciprocate and give as much to them as I feel has been given to me. Equal parts to the exchange. I want to give that back and bring positivity and give back what I feel like I've received.
So what do I receive from my living room table? It holds my papers and I put my feet on it when I want to relax. But how do I show appreciation for my table? I've allowed all manner of papers and clutter to fill that space. Is that appreciating my table for what it can offer my life?
By my own definitions and my own truth, NOT AT ALL!!!
So, what is it that I can do?
Well first learn to appreciate what I have. Even the small things that I constantly forget about. The things that don't "impact" my life. Because it's just a table that holds things for me. Why should it matter? It's the principle of the thing though, what it means to myself and someone who sees me. That I don't respect my surroundings. I don't take care of my property. I don't handle the necessary issues in my life. So how can I do that for someone else, and hold the space and responsibility and prove to them I'm capable. When clearly Im not.
At least not yet.
The thing is, I have so much work to do. I'm on my path and moving forward but I don't always take the right next step. Sometimes I can't even see the right next step.
Fortunately I can see, for the time being where I need to walk. I'm beginning to connect the way I want and desire my life to be to the physical space around me.
But I tend to get caught up in the ACTION of being responsible for me. That's where I've failed more times than I care to share.
My friend mentioned to me though that my honesty, about my position and where I am. Where I desire to be, and my own unique path forward. How it looks and the documentation of where I'm at and how I'm trying to get there. That's the value I can offer to those that are within my sphere of influence. That right now, with my lack of experience within the community and lifestyle and where I'm at in my path is the most wonderful thing I can offer.
So I wanted to write. Here I have. The things that hold importance to me in my life and how they connect. Some of my thoughts and current struggles.
I would like to embrace my value, and see it for the potential I have.
So I'm going to continue to bring you along with me, and I hope you manage to find some added benefit to your journey from interacting with me and mine.
Have a day that's just right for you!
