Hello Friends,
So it may have been a few days since I've spent time collecting my thoughts into a blog shaped item, but I've had a lot going on.
So my life was and still is in many ways a mess. But a few days ago I had a particularly low moment.
It will take a minute to explain the background and what I've been going through but the crux of the issue comes down to this moment of realization. I have very little amounts of love for myself.
This whole series of events began when one morning when I was in a dark and very low spot. My mind was filled with absolute loathing and disdain for who I am. There was not a single thought of light, positivity or any joy. I was miserable and pretending to all those who could see me that things are fine. Because if we put a smile on our face than no one will realize how much hurt is going on within you. The issue with plastering a smile on your face is that it does little to quell the fucking shitstorm that can be roiling around inside you. And ultimately it does not address the issue at hand.
So my problem. Well hahaha let's talk about one of my problems. Because I have many.
My issue revolved around my lack of attention to my household and physical environment. I allowed all areas of my physical space to fall into disrepair. There were a number of concerns that were steadily growing in difficulty and severity the longer I choose to neglect those issues.
One prime example, was the plant that I am growing. I didn't look at it for days on end, not even a "Hi, how are you? Let's take a quick peek and see where you are at" After days of negligence and walking downstairs and seeing it wilted and with a number of nutrient deficiencies and only throwing the tiniest amount of water at it (because I was late for work and didn't have time to do a proper watering) I let it go. Same with my yard. Same with all of my responsibilities within my household. Everything was building up and becoming problematic and I was sitting on my ass doing absolutely nothing to improve my situation.
I was stuck in a mental downpour of vicious self degrading comments and thoughts. It was a general "You're fucking useless etc etc." Because I was being unproductive. Because I was allowing my physical space to be a spot for negativity. These issues were becoming larger and more difficult to handle because I was doing NOTHING about them.
But that day stuck in that deep vortex of self loathing and hatred for who I am and my inability to accomplish even the tiniest thing wound up being the best thing that could have happened in my life.
You might be asking yourself "Ummm why?"
The answer is super simple. I have FUCKING AMAZING friends. One of which I was scheduled to speak with later that day, and when we began talking I started to express some of the things that were going through my negative headspace.
She wanted nothing more than to help and set about offering something I desperately needed. Some accountability.
The thing is I've never been accountable to and for myself. Everything in my life has been for others. Someone else. But we began to delve into conversation, and exploring what occurs within and why it was that I am feeling this way. It clicked in my head. I don't love or appreciate myself. I don't care about my well being, which is why I can go and not shower for weeks at a time. Because I don't care enough about myself to clean, or handle what's going on in my life. Because I don't matter. So why should I bother taking care of my lawn or doing anything productive? Why should I do anything for myself when I don't care?
So in some ways identifying one of the largest issues I was currently dealing with we began to work on a gameplan together.
How does one become productive? Why can't I consistently take care of the things that are requirements in my life? It's because I didn't care, so how do you begin to care?
It starts with accepting yourself. There is a lot to understand, and I won't lie it's not easy for me. I don't see my value and I struggle defining within myself what I believe to be my best qualities. I mean I can parrot what other people have said are my good qualities and yes absolutely to some degree those things are valid and true. But they come from an outside source and my issue has been that I don't create my own positivity. I lose the light and I'm blinded to my own beauty and what I bring into a situation. But other people see it. They point and say "You've done a great job". I desperately need to hear that from people, and it can be a huge boost to your confidence and sense of self. The thing is I NEED to begin to believe in my own ability. I NEED to start the positivity from myself so that I offer more of who and what I am. It all must stem from me first and foremost. I mean yes I'm happy to accept a compliment and that will always make my heart soar, but I need to find a way to make my own heart soar because I exist. Because I am me. Because there is no other reason than I am.
One very simple way to begin to take care of ourselves is by taking care of our environment. Often times when I was a child and my room was messy my head would be filled with clutter, excess noise that would lend to me being frustrated easily, and overwhelmed because there was JUST SO MUCH. Turns out when I would clean my room my mind would calm down, I could think more clearly and I didn't feel as much pressure. Now mind you I always put pressure on myself, I strain and say in my mind "Hey, you need to accomplish things. Be better, do more. Run faster, jump higher...." (Nods to the karaoke group) So how do I keep from letting this internal pressure build to the point where it spawns negativity?
*Runs to the top of the nearest structure, clears throat*
TAKE ACTION!!!!!
That's right. After our conversation I set about myself to handle my life. I started cleaning up my yard, and as of this moment I actually have a decent front yard that isn't an embarrassment to look at. My backyard a whole other story but I have been putting semi-consistent (I say semi because I missed yesterday) time towards handling the absolute jungle that is my backyard.
I have been cleaning my dishes, cleaning myself, working out more consistently again, taking care of my plant, I trimmed it down and am working at handling the deficiencies that have built up in the soil. But I'm making progress.
Since moving into my house the other day I finally bought a bed frame, and now that it's assembled last night I slept on my bed in *MY* bedroom. For the first time. And I say for the first time because prior to this that room once my wife and I separated was an empty husk of a space. It was a mattress on a floor. With a dog bed beside it. See I used to pass out on my couch every night. That's where I slept because it didn't matter. Why should I bother to walk over to my room and sleep on a mattress that's on the floor? My couch is comfortable enough and it puts me to sleep. So why should I bother? Well now I have a bedroom that's mine, because I put some effort into creating it for me.
Part of the entire issue though too, was that this whole space was supposed to be created for my wife and I. When we separated it became very difficult to imagine this as my home because it was supposed to be our home. Now I am here with only my animals and all of the responsibility. But I am not certain about my future here. So why should I put effort into a space that may eventually no longer be mine? The answer to that question lies within your self love and self worth. I have value, and I need to respect that value by caring for myself. Nurturing that value so it continues to grow instead of stagnate. No one else can grow my value but myself. The thing is other people can easily help and add value to your life, but if you take that person and perhaps they become busy with their own struggles and don't have time to tell you how valuable you are. You need to be able to see that value stem from within so when you are perhaps alone you don't crumble under the weight of the oppressive negativity that can consume you.
Even when we began this course of improvement in my life, the thing is I am held accountable by my friend but I'm not doing any of it for her. Because if I was doing it for her than the entire point of this would be wasted. I need to stand on my own two feet for myself. Because I matter and I'm important to me.
The thing is being productive and accomplishing those tasks that are weighing me down and dealing with that "To do list" can be a very fulfilling and empowering. The first day I woke up and had this changed mentality I started my day at 6 am. By the time 3 pm had rolled around I had accomplished a great deal and I still had my afternoon and evening to enjoy myself with ANYTHING I choose to do. Because I had put in effort to change my physical environment and I had earned my rest that day.
When I played videogames and watched Netflix that night I had a greater sense of enjoyment because I had accomplished something that day. I didn't have to hold negativity in my mind, that I was enjoying myself because I had managed to remove those thoughts of "I need to get this done". Because it HAD been done. So now I didn't have to waste any mental energy thinking or worrying about that issue. Or berating myself for another day with nothing accomplished.
There are so many areas where I am seeing improvement because consistent effort and determination have warranted results.
Just yesterday I found a new sound in beatboxing, and I managed to hold my handstand longer than I've ever done before.
I've also been attending a mediation class and for the first time had an interactive experience while meditating. It wasn't much and honestly I lack the words to fully describe the experience. I mean it wasn't anything insanely profound. It was just a sense of calm, that radiated through my whole body and then a moment where I began to feel the heat resonate from my right forearm. And I could sense the heat emanating from my arm. Yeah it was weird and that's about as far as I had gotten, but it's more than I've ever experienced before. So improvement!!
There is still so much that I struggle with. I have many problems that still require my attention and my effort to improve. But I'm making progress. I am improving myself and for the first time I'm doing it for me. I want to continue to grow positivity in my life and surround myself with good things. I want to become a light in my own life, just as I desire to do that for others. But before I can truly help someone else I need to help myself.
So today I will be enough. Today I will do what is required of me to be a successful human male. At least for me. The needs that I have in my life will be addressed. But it takes time and when you neglect something for a few days, or a week, or longer.... Well it takes time to work on improving it and the longer the neglect has been allowed to thrive the more difficult overcoming that challenge is. I've allowed a lot of negativity to build up, I've allowed a lot of situations to regress into difficult challenges. I've made the work harder on myself. Now it's time to make it easier. By doing a little bit each day.
One thing I've found useful, especially when dealing with really distasteful and unappetizing tasks is to set a timer. I use my phone and set a timer for 10 minutes or 15 or half an hour. Just work on accomplishing that task for that amount of time. Then if you don't get it done either you find it's not so bad and you can keep working or you say "Today I have done enough, tomorrow I will do the same or more"
Now just because things are going well and improving doesn't mean that all of my negativity has gone away with it. I mean 95 percent has for sure, but there is still parts that are weighing down my heart and making me feel heavy.
But the thing is you just need to remain aware.
Part of why drastic change has occurred so rapidly in my life is because I am beginning to understand the reason behind my actions. The WHY of the situation. When you see how your pattern of behaviour is created by one or two situations you start to realize where you are failing and it's not quite where you imagined it to be.
So I don't spend enough time with my dogs. Part of that issue is because my backyard is unusable. I'm worried about being back there because it's a mess and unsightly. If I manage to put in effort and keep my backyard clean and in usable condition (clean of dog poop, because no one needs that on their shoe and maintained lawn care) then I can use that space to play with my dogs and I can help them have a better experience in life as well. All these things impact different areas and sometimes the consequences are much farther reaching than you intend. I mean all mistakes have a cost, it just depends on how you pay and how much.
Each mistake in my life has cost me something. Something small. Something big. Something expensive. Something invaluable. It all just depends but each mistake has a cost. You may not always fully realize the price of your mistake until much later on as well.
But I'm here, and working on myself. I'm making great strides and I am going to continue on this path. I need to remain consistent in these changes I'm employing in my life.
So take each day as a new opportunity to thrive and grow. We just need to continue to move forward as best we can.
To those that took the time to read this thank you, and I hope you have a stupendous day!
