Hello once again friends,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's been a while since I have written a blog and more of my time has been spent away from this site little by little these last few weeks. I still like to pop my head in to check what's going on, but I find myself on this site less and less. I would like to maintain a consistent presence here as I find great value in being able to express myself. Sometimes the half formed thoughts become fully realized when I begin to write them down. Sometimes my brain power alone is insignificant to turn thought into action. Where as putting it down formulates the thought into a "solid" form that can be acted upon.
So allow me a brief moment to say life has been tremendous. Things have been falling into place and the growth that I have managed to create for myself through dedication has been wonderful. Despite this great growth and improvement I still have so many areas I can improve.
Here's the pork rub, I want to be my best self. The best possible version of me in my mental health, my emotional health, my ability and skillset. My physical self. In as many ways as you can imagine I desire to be my best possible self.
How does one achieve *the best possible*?
What is that standard?
Why am I so worried about accomplishing that standard within myself?
Well let's just say I had a mini break through. I've been working on improving my physical surroundings, which includes all manner of things. Cleaning and organizing. Taking time to imagine *MY* gaming room. Cleaning up the yard and mowing the lawn. Cleaning dishes, doing laundry, taking care of myself and being a good steward of myself, my property, my wealth and my home.
In general the typical adulting we all need to do.
On Saturday, just over the weekend I had an opportunity to go hiking with my friend. He invited me out, and let me just say this. Getting an invite? From someone??? Yeah that doesn't happen often. At least not anymore. Well that's probably because I've said "Nope, not for me" for one reason or another. Typically because I deemed it as unnecessary and not worth the money etc. The thing is if you say no enough times, eventually people stop asking you to do things.
So this new friend from work invited me out, and I thought "Hey, let's be responsible. I would like to go but I have a large list that I made for myself to accomplish". So I set to give myself Saturday to get everything done, and Sunday I could go for the hike.
So I got a bit motivated and set about accomplishing what was necessary that I had asked of myself. The thing is I still desire to be the best version of me. So while I was trying to get everything done I started thinking in 2 ways.
The first: Time doesn't matter. How long it takes to accomplish a task is irrelevant. It will take as long as it takes. Keep in mind though I also had plan to communicate with my friend. We had a time set where we were going to have a date on zoom, and catch up. See what's going on, and in general how we are each doing. So I had a time limit in that I was not going to be late to speak to my friend but the time it takes to finish the dishes or mow the lawn. It takes as long as it takes. I made sure to set an alarm 2 minutes before our appointed meeting time because I love speaking to my friend and I don't want her to wait. At least I try to show up on time as close as I can. I still usually show up a minute late because even when I'm "on time" I'm usually just a few minutes late.
The second: Now this is the more critical part. Well reminding myself "It takes as long as it takes", is actually the most important part. It helps put me in the right mindset to just get it done, instead of fighting and arguing with myself about the task. But the next part, is to approach this chore, task, game, event, whatever it doesn't matter, with EXCELLENCE.
What is excellence?
To me, it is an earnest attempt while utilizing your skills to the best of your ability *TODAY* in whatever task is in front of you.
The key part is realizing our own limits, and accepting that TODAY maybe your best isn't up to your own standard of where you know you can act. You think to yourself "I could have done that better". The thing is maybe tomorrow you could do this task even better, because you have a little more experience tomorrow than you did today. So ask yourself "Did I do my best today in this chore?" Maybe you get to "Yup, I did good enough TODAY. Tomorrow I could do better, and that's fine. Because today I have done enough and I have acted with excellence in mind."
No matter what the job, the chore, perhaps even that funishment you organized. Do it with excellence within the scope of your ability.
So let's speak on "within the scope of your ability".
Where are your strengths? Your weaknesses? Of course I'm not speaking of that negative Nancy that can scream from inside your mind saying "You're miserable at EVERYTHING"
Im talking about an objective evaluation of yourself. What am I good at? (Still working on figuring this out for me, but I believe I'm making progress)
So now that you have a fair self evaluation based on fact and not conjecture. We have to begin to consider Wisdom.
I can, but should I? Or maybe the situation after a fair evaluation is that "I can't" and should defer this to someone who has more experience in this area.
Sure, you *could*. But here is where I fall a little short. Is the next most important step for me in my journey.
The INTENTION behind the act. Why? Why are you trying to accomplish this? For what purpose are you trying this or pushing that? What reason do you have and what is your planned intention for these actions?
For me in my physical sense it's a pretty easy answer. I am cleaning my house so I don't feel like I live in garbage. So that I have pride in my property, so that *IF* I have company over I'm not embarrassed by the state of my property. All sorts of reasons and each one is pretty easy to answer.
Where I fall short is based on "What are my intentions for the relationships in my life". These emotional connections that I have made with different people, at different levels. I've let some people in a significant portion, and allowed them to see all of me. Others have barely scratched the surface and some yet barely spoke 5 words to me. I am learning to give back what is given to me. I used to go all out for each conversation, but I have quickly adjusted my style to match the level of effort put forward. You send me a message with 1 question and 2 lines of text? I send you back 3 lines of text and maybe half a question. You send me 15 paragraphs and 10 questions? You better believe I'm writing a novel to respond to every line I can, and for fun let me add in a few questions of my own to generate further conversation. You want to invest in me, then I will return the courtesy.
So now we have an established friendship and things are amazing!!!
But what do we do with this budding relationship? I can, but should I? What is my intention? Where do I want this to go? What is my desire for the long term? What goals do I want to accomplish within this dynamic? How do I lead someone to this desired outcome?
Because here's the thing.
Right now, I could be most closely described as a service top. While that is outstanding and I have come a very long way to get here, it's still not the end to *MY* journey. My desire is not to be a top. My desire is to be a dominant. My desire is to go as far as I can within my ability. I want to be the absolute BEST.
Let me be very clear, if you only want to be a top, or a kinkster, or only want to go so far within BDSM that's amazing. So long as it's right for you. For me, I desire to be everything. I want to have my girl know she is safe and cared for. That there is nothing I wouldn't do or handle, that she has the utmost confidence within me to handle any situation (which could be deferring to someone who has greater skill than I in certain areas I lack ability) Even this is an appropriate response, because you acknowledge your inability to do something safely, correctly or however you may fall short in that area. There is so much that I want for myself, and the future that I deserve.
The thing is you need to put the work into fabricating that future for yourself.
For me, manufacturing that future takes two very critical steps.
1) Acknowledging that all tasks take as long as they take.
2) Act with excellence.
This is where I am. I know I will get to where I want to be one day. The pieces are starting to fall into place, and the more effort I put into solving the puzzle that is me the easier it gets as I come closer to the finished product.
Of course there will always be downloadable content. There will be an update where you need to refresh and restart. You will look at the picture and recognize that you can add more detail to a certain area. There will always be more work to do, but I'm working on my foundation. I desire to be rock solid within myself, so that I am not rocked or shaken by the turbulence of life. Or the turbulence of the drama and intensity that can manifest when you invite someone special into the home you have built. Because there will be baggage and if you can't support your own weight, how can you manage someone else's?
So I am still getting *ME* sorted. I'm closer than I have ever been in my life, and each day I make more progress.
But I need to remain diligent and continue my progress with EXCELLENCE!!
I wish you all well, and a happy beginning to your week.
