Hello friends,
Have you ever felt a little lost within yourself?
Today I am struggling. Well to be honest the last few days haven't been super easy. I mean don't get me wrong nothing challenging has popped up in my life currently. I mean just the usual stuff. The typical have to deal with this bullshit on the regular.
The thing is a few days ago I had a very real and eye opening conversation with my ex. We discussed our past history, shared a few tears and came to acceptance.
The question why would a good conversation end up making you feel lost?
Because after that conversation I reached out to a friend. While conversing with my friend I did that magical thing where I put my foot in my mouth. You know, you get partially excited about an honest truth you realized and while expressing it you didn't think through the ramifications of the words. The person you are speaking to, and how those words might affect them and their well being.
It definitely wasn't intentional. It definitely wasn't something that I even described accurately or with any forethought. The words came tumbling out and foot immediately went in mouth as soon as I had hit send.
I am proud of how I managed to handle that situation. It wasn't necessarily my fault but the thing is I caused my friend to have a moment of being triggered because I put her in a terrible position that she had endured in her past. The thing was I didn't know all of the specifics but I damn well knew enough to understand what kind of impact my words would have with her.
The thing is just because you have some information, just because you could say something doesnt always means you should. There is such a thing as tact, and wisdom when approaching situations.
After these interactions I had to look at myself. I had to do some evaluating. I had to be honest with myself. The issue is that my honesty within myself is based off of incomplete knowledge.
I found something out when discussing a few things with my ex. These weren't unknown to me but I have a drastically different understanding of the situation now than I did months ago.
The thing is I have been ashamed of my past. I have struggled with my mistakes. I feel as if I fumble over them, but yet I don't want to continue making the same mistakes. How do you prevent that? How do you actually make change in your life?
I believe knowledge is a great first step.
Take part of my interaction with my ex. I had control over the finances, I had control over the money she spent, and she had to request me to add something to the cart. I did all I could to be who I could for her but the funny part is through out our relationship she wasn't looking for a Master she was looking for a partner. She wanted someone who could equally share within the dynamic. At that point in my life I wasn't looking to share. I wanted everything. I wanted full authority. What I now realize that I didn't at the time was my desire to have a lifestyle within BDSM. I want to operate within this lifestyle non stop. I desire to have someone submit fully to me. To trust in me, to have faith in my ability. I desire to own someone. That is apart of me, that is within my essence as someone. The thing is months ago before I even really understood bdsm (not saying I do now, but I have a much more solid grasp of the concept now) I couldn't even acknowledge my desires for what they were. The thing is throughout my relationship with my ex I did not handle situations appropriately. I put my foot in my mouth more times than I ever could have hoped to. But I had very little understanding of what I was trying to do. In some small ways I understood what I wanted, but I lacked the ability, the knowledge, the self mastery to even approach that situation. I didn't have self awareness. I lacked so many critical tools within my tool belt that led me to failure within that dynamic. The thing is I was a fledgling then. Barely scraping the surface, feeling an intense connection to all of these emotions and intense experiences but I couldn't break through that bubble.
It wasn't until I found this website and began speaking with people. Finding mentors and friends who understand the lifestyle. Who understand what it is to be a work in progress and accept that that's okay. To accept these desires that I literally felt like I should hate for being within me. Because my father told me that these are things to hate, these desires are not wholesome. They are NOT right and I am a terrible human for wanting these things. I felt so much self loathing. I felt an intense self hatred. I mean I had problems left and right. The biggest issue was that I was completely unaware of my issues, I didn't accept or look at them. I pushed them down and let everything eat away at myself. I was rotting myself from the inside out. I was poisoning myself from within.
The thing is I wasn't a dominant when I was with my ex. I wasn't capable of being the necessary partner that she was looking for. At that time.
The thing is people shift, our emotions fluctuate. We experience new ideas and it changes how we see the world. We evolve. We have the potential to become better.
I believe I have. In many many ways. I know I have. I'm not even the same man I was a short time ago. I am evolving. I am accepting myself more and learning how to become responsible for my home, myself, my property and my wealth. I am learning to take ownership. Ownership over my past and current actions. Ownership over my household. Ownership over the lives I'm responsible for in my life. Do I still have massive room for improvement??? Hell yes I do. I won't ever be able to stop growing, because if I stop then I become stagnant and boring.
The thing is I've spoken about being a switch, and finding new sides of myself. I found a little side that I had never known about for 29 years. The question that I had really struggled with was how do I balance all these sides of me? What is necessary and important in my life? What do I need to address to take care of myself?
Part of that is having a place where I can exhibit control. Where I have dominion over my space. Where I am Master over myself and those within my dominion. I desire to have control and be in control. I desire to have someone trust in me, believe in me, to have faith that I am capable. That I am looking out for the best interests of all involved not just my own personal selfish desires. Am I truly there yet? That is a very tough answer because part of the experience is taking it beyond the theoretical knowledge and into the practical area.
When I began I had no theoretical understanding of this lifestyle. At this point I wouldn't quite classify myself as a novice but I really couldn't say I have much more understanding than just that. My practical abilities are even further behind my theoretical understanding. I can confidently say "I am still a junior dominant" but I have grown a tremendous amount and no longer flounder like that fledgling I was.
So in some ways I have figured out this dominant side of myself. The thing that I have run into a bit of an issue is this. If I desire to be dominant, to create an m/s type relationship will that satisfy all of my desire? What about the fact that I'm a switch? What about the fact that I have fantasies about my Mommy?
The thing is I can't be monogamous and be able to eat my cake and have it too. Because if I am monogamous then will I feel as if I'm leaving part of myself behind? Is it possible to be a switch and exist within an m/s type dynamic? Honestly I don't see how that really works because those two things are diametrically opposed to one another. At least in my head. Perhaps, you think a different way and if so I would be very interested in having a conversation.
So part of all of this was leading myself to feel lost within me. Who am I? What do I need? What is important to me within my life? What is the way I see my future? How can I balance everything within myself so that I am happy with me?
The more I look at it, the only true way to be happy with myself is if I allow myself the opportunity to experience what I need. At this point I still can't say for certain one way or the other if I'm polyamorous because I need to experience the lifestyle. I need to interact and gain the practical side of experience.
The thing is I am content with the knowledge I've gained so far. That being said obtaining knowledge is a worthwhile endeavour and I hope to seek out all that I can know. The search will never stop but I'm realizing that I need to have my practical experience catch up in some ways to my theoretical experience.
The thing is it's a scary to say "This is me". It can be uplifting, it can be freeing, but there is also a sense of terror within you. What if I'm not accepted for who I am? What if someone wants to make fun of me or put me down or just downright disagrees with my beliefs? The thing is you have to show up authentically. To all of those around you. If you put on a mask and pretend to be what you imagine that other person wants you will spend your entire relationship failing, not living up to their expectations.
We can't allow that to happen.
Here's why.
When you show up authentically without a mask on. Those people who see you. Those people that have spent time getting to know you will be able to make a judgement that best aligns with their beliefs. Because if you say for example, "Oh I'm monogamous" when really you are poly you will never feel comfortable because you will be lying. You will be hiding. You will be tricking that person into a dynamic based on a broken foundation.
I did this to my ex. Not in this way, but because I cheated on her. Before we even had a chance to begin I defiled all of the trust and the entire foundation of our relationship, that which was completely built upon was false. When my ex looked at the situation and realized her love for me was based on false information all of the emotion and feeling and love she had for me fell away. It disappeared like nothing, and vanished into the universe. Because I lied, because I hid. Because I was scared to be authentic and myself.
I have learned my lessons. I have put work into myself. I have a much better understanding of what is required of me. I have driven forward, and put energy into changing the lying version of me. I have put effort into mastering myself. Learning that emotions and feelings are valid but not true. They need to be felt but not treated as truth. The thing is I've learned so many things about myself, and I never would have had this type of understanding if I never would have stepped into this world.
Part of my life I felt like I told myself "No, don't do that, don't be that, stop doing this" I had a very negative view of myself in every situation. The thing is hating myself less, and accepting who I am really has helped me move forward.
I will struggle and by golly I will downright fail somedays. But I refuse to let defeat rule my life. I can and will be better for those that matter in my life. I don't want to bring hurt and harm into anyone's space, and I feel very low when I manage through my actions to cause someone harm. The thing is you have to recognize your intention. Did you mean to hurt that person with those words you said? If yes, you need to stop immediately and determine why that is. Why do you want to hurt someone? If that is in fact the case then you need to be able to explain why, in a clear and concise way. So you can express to the person across from you why you are the way you are. Why you need this. Why it's important to you. The thing is though when you express yourself openly as much as it may hurt to get "shot down" it's ultimately the best thing regardless of how hard that moment and feeling is. That swell of emotion.
Because it gives everyone the opportunity to evaluate you, and compare how they see YOU, authentically. They can say well I'm not a masochist so thanks but I'm not into being hurt. You were given the chance to be honest and honestly that person that you have spent months getting to know you find out that there is a deal breaker and that ultimately you may not be more than friends. You might not be the perfect partner you are imagining them to be. And how will you ever know that honestly if you don't show up openly? Will it hurt? YES!!!! If it doesn't you might be an unfeeling robot. Because you spent time cultivating a very special interaction. You devoted your time and energy into seeing the other person, it's impossible to disconnect and not feel *something*. But in the long run it will be better because despite all those amazing ideas you have they are based on the fact you might have completely different belief systems, which will cause issues and severe problems in the dynamic.
I smoke cannabis, and that in itself could be a deal breaker for some. Drugs and alcohol are very big issues for some people. There are those that might take issue with my consistent drug use. But I can't hide that side of who I am, because it is apart of me. If I were to hide my drug use and find out my partner has past issues of substance abuse then I could be putting them in a position to relapse and cause all sorts of harm. Having open and honest and lengthy discussions over your deal breakers, what you hold dear to you as immutable morals and beliefs need to be expressed clearly. But before they can be expressed clearly they must be understood.
Is it terrifying to say yes I think I may more likely be poly? In many ways yes because those that are monogamous may lose all interest. The thing is though wouldn't being within a dynamic where those Involved sacrifice their absolute morals and beliefs be a form of making that person give up on who they are? Wouldn't that be forcing them to be someone they aren't?
People will always say though, "Oh but I love you so it's okay". But does that cause stress in your life? Does it cause you to hate who you are because you decided to give up your morals and what you hold dear to yourself? Will you push that feeling down and cause yourself to feel rotten from the inside while you try to make this dynamic work because you love each other?
It's hard. It's sad. It hurts like a mother fucker when someone says "I don't think we are a match", but if it was because you closely examined your behaviours, your beliefs and compared them. You saw a difference and cause that would create a chasm between you. You have to acknowledge that perhaps for all the ways you connect and how well you fit, there is a slight chance this dynamic could be wrong in very significant ways.
The problem though is when you also haven't had an open and fully honest conversation. It's also how you approach and bring up the ideas. You could take the one approach of not thinking clearly and jamming your foot into your mouth. This might cause unwanted harm and emotions that you didn't expect to erupt within this person you deeply care for.
Or you can think, and see yourself.
Take a deep breath and say "This is me, and this is what I need". Then you have to wait. You wait and see, give the other person time to think through carefully their options. What is best for them? How will your truth interact with their beliefs? Is it possible? Is there even any chance at all?
Once you have this conversation though you have to be prepared for any answer. Yes, you hope desperately they will see you and accept you. But you have to hold your breath and allow them space to be honest just as you have been. You also have to be willing to accept their honesty. Even if they realize "I'm monogamous and I can't be with someone who is poly". That is a fair interaction, so long as each side has been honest about themselves and their needs. Because I believe if your needs do not align then the chance of a successful dynamic is shot. You can't give something to someone when it goes against your entire belief system. And if you do you are sacrificing everything about yourself. Either you give in and give up what's important to yourself harming yourself in the process or you go on existing missing a critical part of who you are. Either way that dynamic as much as you desire it to be complete and whole will not be. Because the foundation wasn't set properly.
So my suggestion to everyone here today is take some time and sit with yourself. Get to know who you are, and if you find an area lacking ask yourself why? Why is that important what was the significance of it? Why does it matter and what does that say about you?
Remember though in this moment you have to be objective about yourself. Because I've tried to see myself authentically but when those voices, monkeys, demons, that self doubt that permeates me begin to talk instead of *myself* the view is skewed. It's only the bad you see, it's all the mistakes. This mishaps. The anger and insufficient lack of talent. The inability. The self doubt. It's the ways you have failed and the voices that keep telling you "You are no different" "You haven't changed" "You are still incapable" "You are small" "You are weak" "You are nothing". These voices lie. As hard as it is to accept that, it's not the truth despite how you fool yourself into believing them.
I don't want to fool myself. I don't want to hide myself. I don't want to allow my past mistakes to be repeated.
I want to be the best man possible, I am rare and precious. Unique and special. Wonderful and talented. I am capable, and one day I will prove that to myself.
Also! I was fooling around with my beatbox yesterday and wanted to write a blog but couldn't find a title or the words yesterday. So I am going to add yesterdays beatbox to this blog.
Hope you enjoy the weirdness that is me.
Have an amazing day, I pray that things will work themselves out exactly as they need to occur within your life.
