Hello deer friends!!!
It's been a hot minute hasn't it? Elk ya moose!! Sorry it's getting close to hunting season, and I wanted to add a few puns...
Anyways!!!!
Life is insane don't you think? What's been going on?
For me I am going through a whole whirlwind of change and growth. I recently began trying to reach out to just a very small number of people (currently the count is at 2) that live nearby in my area. Part of the reason for that was because I have been a little lonely and missing that physical connection. I am a really touchy type person and when I am feeling lonely that desire to cuddle, to snuggle, to hold hands, to massage and just general skin on skin contact becomes overwhelming. Or it can be.
But I just had the most interesting experience.
I have made some amazing friends here, and while I am going through my own ordeals EVERYONE has something they are battling.
Soap, here's the thing.
I am working at making changes to get my life in order. First task on the to do list??? Get my furnace fixed!!!! We are getting into colder weather, and as the night time temperatures continue to get closer to below freezing I have legitimate concern over my waterline potentially bursting if it gets too cold. I am ridiculously fortunate to have my family who have offered their support because without it I would not be getting my furnace installed tomorrow.
That's right!!! Tomorrow at 9 am, I am supposed to be getting the old broken thrown out and the new installed.
So that is extremely excellent and necessary in order to help satisfy my concern and worry over the well being of my household.
I also had a few moments of realization that I would like to share.
So if you have spent any time reading my blogs you will know that my ex and I are separated and hopefully going to begin the process to divorce at some point. The thing was did struggle a little bit with my feelings towards her because we have radically changed over the last few months. There was part of me that was hoping to see that old flame rekindle. But that relationship had a cracked heat exchanger (points for referencing a broken furnace to a somewhat broken relationship???? Maybe....) The thing is our relationship wasn't great. I caused a lot of issues and beyond that when I was in that relationship the weight of "not being enough" was insane, soul crushing, near impossible to continue to bear. Which is why when we first separated I had joy at being free, at being able to choose my path for myself. I had forgotten that feeling and kept looking back to the old good times we had together. But the thing is I had my chances. I had 10 years of her attention and devotion. But it wasn't right. It wasn't the right fit for her and for me. We have an established friendship, and I still gain value from her interactions. But it's different because it's the value added by a friend and not your significant other. So adjusting to that difference has been a tad bit difficult somedays. With all that said though, I am finally ready to accept the present situation. It's time for that new furnace. A new beginning.
I thought that my new beginning would involve those people closest to me. Those that I could touch and feel.
You know what I found out???
Not the case at all.
I have found my songbird and my alley cat. Two people who have never once made me feel like I wasn't enough. Two people that have filled my life with abundant joy, laughter, growth, development, and song. They fill my soul with light and a peace that I haven't known.
My songbird may be many miles away, but when she sings I feel her presence beside me. She had to take some time for herself lately and I didnt really realize how deeply I missed the interaction with her, until today. She is feeling unwell, and with all that is going on is still doing all that is required of her for her job and the very important people in her life. But today, I received a message from her. It was the darndest thing, because when I saw her smile at me..... I saw joy, and a sparkle in her eye. I saw the depth of all her emotion within that briefest of seconds. That flash of a smile, that light and exuberance behind all that she is. It filled me. I didn't long for anyone, I didn't feel any desire to reach out. I was completely at peace. I was filled with her love and I knew it, and there was no need to look further because it is there in abundance. It was such a peculiar thing, because of these last few days all I have wanted was to reach out and feel someone close. In that moment, when she smiled at me with pure joy I never felt closer to anyone despite the physical distance between us. All my want to touch and feel connected just vanished because I am connected to my lovely songbird. I hear her voice and I can feel her beside me. I also have my own very personal ways that I connect to her. I have a reminder of who she is always on my person, and since putting on this physical reminder of her I use it to send my thoughts and energy to her whenever I think of her. You can imagine that would be a time or two throughout the day. I love when my songbird decides to share her music, it is always so amazing to hear her talent. I love listening to her voice and the way she expresses herself through her song. It doesn't matter if she is sick, her voice still comes through crystal clear and I feel it within the depth of my soul.
So here's the thing though, my songbird isn't mine. I have hopes and dreams of a future together, but she has been through a lot and isn't in a place to enter into any form of a relationship. I don't want to pressure her, I don't want to make something up that isn't there for her. She is just learning to spread her wings again and I can't stand in the way of her progress. She needs to be given every chance to find her happiness, and I want her to find it. Yes I desire to be her choice, but I also can't rush her into a decision. She needs to freely choose me all on her own. She needs to decide if she wants to be caged by me. Again, there should be no timeline assigned to this. It has to be when she is ready, when she has handled all that is required of her. Luckily that time affords me the same opportunity because my life is only *slightly* messy right now. (Understatement of the year....) I believe to know what our potential could be, but at the same time practical experience could potentially change that circumstance. All I know is how she fills me, I know the depth of the care that she has for me. I know that she is someone very very special, and even if we do not enter into a dynamic she is someone I desire to know for the rest of my life because she adds immense value to my existence.
As for my alley cat.... She is a god damn trooper!!!! Holy hell, has she struggled and endured things I can only imagine. It shocks me to see such a strong woman tell me often how "I'm nothing special, there are a million like me". She couldn't be farther from the truth. She is struggling right now, and I can see parts of it even though she tries to hide it. She puts up a wall of "I can't express myself", and has told me she isn't so good with words and being all touchy feely. The thing is I see her words through her actions, and I see that she has tried to keep me at a distance. To protect me from herself. Because she is a storm and leaves nothing but destruction in her wake. I had a friend tell me of an experience where her prospective person that she deeply desires to create a dynamic with allows her to be that wild girl, that stubborn mess and when she is finished he just says "you done?". Well I feel like I can take a page from his book, because when my alley cat is causing nothing but pandemonium all around there is a calm in the eye of that storm. She feels like everything becomes a mess, a giant pile of fecal matter that is her fault. The thing is she needs my support now more than ever. She endured a dangerous situation that caused her to change her whole life, and now that danger has reentered her space. It took 5 years, but this absolute firestorm is coming back. She needs a place to tether to. She needs to become grounded but most importantly she needs to look out for herself and hopefully manage to stay safe. It's extremely difficult to know this situation is at hand and there is nothing I can do to protect her from the danger that is beside her. I mean sure I can make jokes and be silly and try my best to distract her, but I'm terrified. She may not say the words but I know how important our interaction is to me, and I would like to believe she feels the same way despite the fact that she will audibly dismiss what we have. I don't blame or resent her for it, I know it's a struggle for her to admit her feelings and perhaps it's because she has never experienced anything like our interaction before. But I feel it. I know it's there. The thing is you need all sides to say "This is what I want and need". The thing is I need to be chosen freely. I need to be the person that you can't hold yourself back from and surrender to the idea of that choice. Again, I can't make that decision for anyone else.
I know where I'm at. I am seeing the value and importance of both my songbird and my alley cat. I see the potential of what could be. Although it's not quite clearly defined yet but that in part will come when we can openly discuss our plans for the future. Because it requires feedback in order to be fine tuned. I'm not in the market of creating a blank fit this, become this. I want to take what you have, what is already within you and allow it space to exist freely. I want to increase the value received and experienced for all of those that spend time with me. I want to continue to grow and develop and strengthen my abilities.
Both my songbird and my alley cat may be miles from me. They may not be able to feel my touch but I want to experience it with them someday. I used to say "Oh I just want to hug someone, I just want to cuddle someone, I just want the chance to massage someone" but it isn't someone that I desire to do all that with. It is specifically these two that I have grown with, that have helped me to become a better person. More sure of myself, more confident in what I need and want. They have caused me such immense joy, and they are so deeply important to me. The thing is, you can say all sorts of words. You can express how talented and true to your word you are. But part of all of this isn't just saying the right things, but following through with the action that matches your words. I read a meme a while back and while the specific wording eludes me the essence of the message was this "A Dom can say that you matter, but proving it by waiting for you is another matter". The thing is I have made my impatient alley cat wait. We have tried to look at ways to see each other and interact in person but each attempt had some hiccup that didn't quite make it work so we pushed back the timeline, and again and again. The thing is, I can wait as long is needed because when we do finally connect it will be a fulfillment of many of our desires that might just alter forever how we see each other.
As for my songbird, there is a number of reasons but suffice it to say she will require my absolute determination to remain patient and waiting for her. It will take years, and I know and understand this. But she is someone that is worth the wait, and I hope to prove to her exactly what that means for me.
So for all my ramblings today, I guess the thing that I really want to say is that I am a complicated person. I have many sides to my puzzle piece and as I have thought about my desire and needs it seems like there is an absolute contradiction within myself. Yes I am a switch, but I also desire an m/s type dynamic. Perhaps there is someone out there that can maintain an m/s type dynamic while being able to switch but those two things literally contradict each other. You can't retain control and give it up. At least I haven't experienced anything like that. So when I see the puzzle piece that is me, and how I want those that are very important to fit into my life I see how my songbird fits the side of me that requires control. But I see how my alley cat fits the side of me that would allow my submissive side room to come out. When I think about both of these important women in my life, I see how they fit and fill my needs. I see how they connect and make me whole. The more I explore and think on the situation the more I feel that I am poly not only within my dynamic but in my life. This is a scary realization but at the same time I believe this is me. I believe this is honest. Is there a chance I'm wrong? Well with me, there is always a chance I am wrong. But part of life is finding the experience to prove what you know about yourself. I look forward to finding out, and seeing what will occur within my future. I'm excited for where I could end up, although I am realistic and understand that I am only a friend. I hold no power, I hold no sway. I am realizing what I desire to choose, what my choice is, but I can only make my decision.
Now we sit and wait.
We observe and work towards developing the interactions we have cultivated. To see what might grow out of the effort put forward. In the hopes that these budding relationships will turn into full bloom.
Only time will tell.
I hope you are well today and that you find peace on your path. As well, thank you to those that have taken the time to read this, I appreciate your time and I hope you found some value in my words today.
