Well hello once again friends,
Sooooooo it has been a minute. I have been having some struggles in my personal life dealing with my own demons and the negative headspace that I can fall into. There is a lot going on in my life and working through all of the potential solutions has been a little helpful.
I had been feeling a little lost over these last days and weeks. I haven't been very vocal and that disappoints me a tiny bit because I enjoy writing and expressing myself and I would like to do it more often. But I'm the type of person that doesn't like to say anything until it has meaning or impact. But sometimes you just need to be able to put your guard down and let go.
So I got called in to work some extra shifts. Yesterday morning on my drive into work I was not in a good place. I will be honest I have fallen back into my procrastinating, lazy, spend my entire day on my couch doing nothing but watching Netflix, Tik Tok and playing some games. There is just so much about my life that when I am on my personal time and can choose 1000 different things that I want to do I can end up just sleeping on my couch. Waking up, realizing I've just had a nap and then spend the next few hours into the night being wide awake, or trying to crawl into bed to get more rest.
There is a lot of responsibility that I have ownership over, and in many ways I feel a failure for my inability to handle my situation. But the gentleman I'm working with pointed out to me yesterday, that at the time I did make the best decisions available to me and I never saw 3 years into the future or a year down the road to put me in this place. But my decisions good or bad put me here. I have to accept that.
So on my drive into work yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed at my lack of action. I had thought to myself well I can take it easy Friday because I will have Saturday and Sunday to get my shit done..... Cue Friday night when my foreman calls me asking if I could work Saturday for sure and potentially Sunday (Well I'm working Sunday too, getting my blog in while hanging out at work hahah) It was such an interesting interaction the way my day transformed. I find when I'm outside of my house I can be much more productive. As I went through my Saturday I began working on emailing, calling and organizing some solutions to my current problems. The thing is I am still working through all of the consequences of each potential solution to make sure I'm not making a hasty decision that actually hurts me more than helps me.
Needless to say, I completely turned my mentality around and even though I was frustrated and angry I managed to keep myself under control. I still need to work on handling my anger appropriately, I need to find positive ways to get that pent up emotion out of my body. Because if I don't allow it to fully release from my system, it holds on in those little corners. Then the next time I get triggered that little bit of extra anger that didn't get cleared out will rear it's ugly head. I'm working on it, and I might have found a really good stress releaser for me. It turns out that I absolutely love singing, and beatboxing. I have been having immense fun playing around with my voice and learning what I am capable of. Although I am still a tiny bit shy in certain circumstances. I will practice a tiny bit at work, but I don't like to annoy my work partners when I'm trying to learn. It definitely is not clean sounding and I make really really weird faces. I would like to see if perhaps I can use my voice to vent my anger, but just a theory and one I will try to implement the next time I feel that rage inside me spiking.
There were a few other points I wanted to make today.
So, I was spending some time (you know just a few hours) scrolling through Tik Tok, and I encountered this really awesome video that literally was a slap across my brain and made me pause and think about it.
So in this video, an African American woman was expressing her viewpoints about the thirst trap videos that a lot of women would make. She expressed the idea that each person is entitled to choose how they present themselves and that it isn't anyone's place to demean or degrade anyone for their portrayal of themselves. The thing was how she worded everything.
(Of course this is a complete paraphrase and I may even miss the mark of what she said) but she said that the women are objectifying themselves but it's a means of feeling empowered through their sexual energy. It's not being done for anyone but to be empowered. I don't remember how she worded it exactly but it was just a moment that when she used the term objectification a light bulb went off inside my head. Firstly I had the urge to just raise my hand and say well hold up a minute, as someone who enjoys the objectification kink (and the subset of Dollification) I had never really even thought about the women who show off their curves, their bosom, their assets as being objectified but when you consider they are expressing themselves as sexual objects. They are posing and showing off trying to gain a following, make money, or promote their onlyfans accounts, or just doing it to feel confident I really achieved a new sense of understanding of my preference for my kink.
I had never thought of someone posing for a photo as being objectified. But in essence it really is. For whatever intent or purpose you choose to take that photo, to pose that way, to show off a new outfit you bought, or to express and empower yourself with the sexual energy that you possess it is a form of objectification. The significance of this to me in my life? Well it is how I view that photo. Please understand I do not wish to objectify anyone that is uncomfortable with it, and I absolutely desire consent from anyone who would choose and hope to express themselves this way. The thing is I want my person to feel free, to be able to put on that new shirt or blouse they bought and feel confident, unabashed, unashamed, and empowered that they can be exactly who they wish to be. If it's as simple as showing off a new cosplay, or sharing your essential naughty bits. When you pose, when you choose to take the time to share with me and express that empowered sense of accomplishment you feel within for yourself, I want to bathe within that emotion. I want to see your joy at being objectified, and that confidence you feel within yourself. But I want to take and feed off of that energy, I want to embrace all that you share, whether it's that simple stunning outfit, or your desire to express your sexual energy. It doesnt matter what type of energy is expressed, but I want to celebrate your surrender and your freedom to share all of who you are as my object. *Said with a golem voice* Myyyy precioussssss.
There was a blog that I read the other day about being a representative and ambassador of the person you serve, or the one who serves you. It was a comment about how our actions are a reflection of those who have shaped us. In similar ways that you might judge someone for how well behaved their dog is, and make a comment about their ability to lead, guide and nurture based on the actions of those you have dominion over. Can you listen? Will you act with integrity and honour? Do you lie constantly? Do you deceive and take advantage of those around you? How do you hold yourself?
Well as I was turning these thoughts over and over in my mind, I started to begin to see where all of this clicks for me.
I want my person/s to feel complete freedom with me. I want them to be able to express themselves however they need to and not fear my judgement but be empowered and know they are celebrated for their courage and bravery to show up exactly as they are. I want to help feed their empowerment and celebrate alongside them because I see so much beauty in so many different ways. I mean I can acknowledge good bone structure, regardless of gender, I can spot symmetry which is typically indicative of "good looking" people. So yes there are the general ways that people see beauty, but I also see part of the soul. I see beyond the surface, but the surface doesn't bother me. I have a type that I have enjoyed and am always drawn to. I love women who are short, curvy, very curvy or extremely curvy. I love a large bust size, with an ass that doesn't quit and thiccc legs. I mean in essence BBW are my thing, and have been the type of women I have always been drawn to. So I don't look at someone who might be considered heavyset and go "Ewwww", I just imagine running my hands all over that real estate and where I might be able to travel.
I have spoken with all sorts of different individuals and some men have difficulty getting aroused when the women they interact with aren't up to a "certain standard". The thing is I have had all sorts of intense imaginations about women that some men don't even look twice at. But they have to be honest and upfront about makes them tick, and so do I. I'm not ashamed of the body types I love, honestly I think it makes me more versatile because I can appreciate beauty in all its forms. And I have perhaps a wider range that I consider beautiful than other male humans.
The thing is I love the energy I can receive from someone who is happy with themselves, confident, knows who they are and what they want. Someone who can handle situations and yet is still wanting to be guided to reach a certain pinnacle that they see as their ultimate triumph. I see beauty in confidence and capability and the thing is it doesn't matter where that talent really lies. Are you good at organizing paperwork? To me that is sexy as hell, because I'm a disorganized person. So I have attached a slightly higher value to "being organized" because it is simply something that is not my strong suit. I have a deep appreciation for those who have talent where I do not, and yes I can admit that sometimes I can be jealous when I see someone do something that I am not capable of. It usually makes me go "Damn, if only I could do that as well as them" The thing is, I have my own talents. They do not always line up with what you are good at, but I am slowly learning to appreciate myself for what I am good at, and to celebrate when someone is talented in an area that is lacking within my life. I am hoping and believing in my potential to improve and looking at the progress I am making, trying to learn to accept where I am in my current level of ability and situation. Accepting that despite the cap of my current skillset today doesn't mean the ceiling won't be a tiny bit taller tomorrow.
I also tried something pretty interesting although it was a bit intense. I was on YouTube a few days ago listening to music and dancing when Billy Eilish's Bury a Friend came on. The music video is sort of bright whites and then dark shades thrown back and forth in flashing series.
Well what wound up happening was really interesting. So I was facing my wall, and all of my lights were off in my house. Because of the time of year it gets pretty dark pretty fast around my place, plus since I live in a small community there is not a lot of light pollution so you can see the stars somewhat decently. But it was overcast and the moon must have been hidden behind all sorts of cloud cover because it was very dark in my home. The interesting part was the shadows that were cast from the only light in the room, coming from the tv. As the music video shifts from scene to scene the outline of your shadow shifts and transforms. It felt like such a strong representation of myself and all the different forms I can take, because I have felt like I house a number of different personalities within myself. Not that I have been diagnosed or anything but there just seems to be a lot of variance to my thought pattern, and as I can shift my voice a fair few ways it lends to this idea that there are multiple versions of myself. I found it very fun and enlightening plus it was interesting shaping my shadows and watching the different ways I could create myself. Or the view I had of me. I highly recommend you try it out, so long as you aren't prone to seizures as there are a lot of flashing lights in the music video. I even tried recording a video of how I could make my shadow move, and the way it would shift and transform. You could see all the different sides of me, except for the fact that my recording was a poor imitation of what I was seeing and since it didn't meet my standard I completely turfed the video. I threw it in the trash! Well deleted it. I might try and get a better set up but part of my problem is my light source is mounted to my wall, and I have a couch in the way that prevents a very clear image plus I wasnt able to set up my phone in an ideal spot to catch the recording I wanted. Anyways, maybe one day I will catch exactly what I want, but until then you will have to try it out for yourself.
There is another song that has been going through my mind often and it happens to be Tessa Violets "Crush"
I don't know why but I freaking love this song right now. It just makes me happy.
Well time to get back to work and focus on handling my life.
I hope you all have a wonderful day and were given something to think deep thoughts on. Hopefully my inspiration for my next blog won't take so long.
