Hello Cage friends,
So I didn't really have a particular topic I wanted or felt the need to discuss today. But I have been struggling lately. For a number of reasons.
First if you know me, awesome! If not here's a little quick recap. Life is awesome until it's not. Then it kicks you right in the teeth and shits all over you.....
So this whole year has been exceptionally transformative. I don't know where I would be if some very critical changes didn't occur in my life. But let's start with the best/worst change which was my separation from my wife.
This was a roller coaster of emotions, leading me into some very dark places within myself. I put myself at risk, and worried/scared my ex with my behaviour because of a number of reasons.
I finally realized how bad my financial situation was (I knew it was bad, I knew it was unsustainable, but I didn't know to what extent) until I had a friend help me go through all the numbers and realize that I needed to make immediate and drastic changes to my lifestyle and the way I spend my money.
So on Sunday and Monday, when I woke up I was in a low/negative/self hate spiral. I had very good friends offer me support and their precious time. But I was in a foul mood. Nothing was right and it was all black.
Dark. Forboding. Ominous.
The thing is I managed to pull myself up just a little and today when I woke up this morning I wasn't nearly as defeated as the two previous day's.
The weird part is that I really at this moment don't have much to be upset over. I mean the funny part is that I am in part feeling a lot of negativity because of all the assistance I am receiving right now. I mean that I cannot help myself right now, in the sense that I put myself here and made my choices. I haven't changed much of anything, I am still weighing my options. But I have had unending support from strangers, coworkers, family and my friends. I have had so many opportunities where things just went my way.
Why does that bother me? Why does that hurt me?
Because it makes me feel like I'm incapable of being able to handle the situation on my own. Ultimately I need help. I know this. I can't change my situation without some assistance. But I have been searching out all sorts of avenues to improve my finances, my life, my thoughts. The weird part is I had previously put a lot of effort into getting my mind right. I had succeeded, I was seeing myself as I am. I was motivated, and being productive. I was handling my necessary requirements and getting my shit done.
But here and now, I am faltering within my mind. The previous important lessons I had taught myself and spoke inside my head I had completely lost them. One of the lessons and affirmations that I tell myself is that "I will act with excellence" yet this thought has been left out of my mind for what feels like weeks now. The important things that I need to tell myself were not occuring, I was letting my house fall into disrepair and have not been taking care of what is within my dominion.
I'm a failure. I am weak. I am incapable.
These thoughts have run rampant within me, particularly in the mornings. I had been able to curb aspects of these negative self imposed "truths" through out my day and by the evening things were slightly better. That was only due to the kind compassion of those around me. My friends reminding me that I am not those things. Even little things like turning my lights on in my home, instead of sitting in the dark like I have a tendency to do. (I mean who doesn't enjoy the night, fumbling around and bumping into your dogs that just happen to walk in front of you while making your way to your fridge or down the hallway) But I like the dark, and I like to keep my energy bills low by keeping my lights off. My friend pointed out that part of the reason I could be so depressed was because I was spending all of my free time alone in the dark. There is a lot of truth to this, and when I got home last night I made sure to turn on the lights to my living room and it was interesting the difference made.
The thing is while I am struggling and having this negative mindset I have had abundantly good things show up in my life and I believe I am beginning to see the path forward to gaining control over my finances. It won't be easy, and it will still be a very long journey but I think I at least have a shot at making it happen. But not because of my strength, ability, or decision making. It will because I had to rely and lean heavily on my family.
A very important friend told me that I need to learn to accept what is offered, as those in my life would not invest in me if they didn't see my value. The thing is when I have found myself at the bottom of this deep pit I have dug for myself, I need help to get out of it. And I have received it. It's there in front of me, I just need to make the decision as to how I will proceed.
But having abundant help thrown at me can fill this thought that "I'm incapable on my own". I feel like there is very little I can do by myself. I constantly need others help. I mean there is no shame in that, but I feel it. I feel low and weak and nothing because I can't resolve my own issues. I had been getting better at saying "I accept help" but this feels like too much. I feel like a babe, unable to do anything for himself. But I choose to put myself into this thinking. It's because my mind is filled with nothing but negative thoughts and emotions regarding myself.
Part of the mantras I try and keep up with have to do with being careful what you think, as those become your words. Your words lead into your actions which become your habits. Etc etc. The thing is lately I have had nothing but vile poison in my own head, and regarding myself there is and was no positivity over these last 2 days. I had not thought to act with excellence, that was the furthest thing from my mind. I didn't think about how I am valuable, or calm, clear, quiet, patient, intentional, and confident. I didn't and had not thought positively about myself in anyway. But today I thought back to some of the lessons I taught myself, some of the words my friends have spoken to me, and I am learning to breath slowly and take a moment.
The thing is though within all of these interactions it is exceptionally difficult as the people I have connected with online are very much deeply important to me in my life. But I have such a limited interaction, we all live busy lives and can't afford the time to spend talking all day. If it's not the fact that we just have things to look after its the difference in time zones, or the fact that technology hates me and doesn't like to send my messages or some other silly reason I am unable to speak with my friends. The thing is I deeply desire to see and interact and spend time with these important people, but I can't always do that and as much as they say reach out, call me, message me, they aren't always there when I reach out. Who knows why they weren't able to look at my message it could be a million of reasons. But just because they don't answer right away doesn't mean they aren't invested and want to help. The thing is though if you are in crisis and reach out and for whatever reason they aren't there, then what do you do? Well that is exactly why I want to build a shield of positivity within my mind. I want to be able to sustain myself, by myself. I want to have control in my life, over my dominion. I want control over my finances, control over my thoughts. I want control. I want to be able to learn to accept the help offered graciously, but I want to learn and be capable of standing on my own without support.
Yes, I understand we all need help sometimes. Yes, I am in a situation where I require help, but there are plenty of people in the world that need help and no one is there to offer it to them. So what makes me so special? Why does it seem when something goes wrong, down the road you find out exactly how right it was? You just couldn't see it at the time. Why is it when I have a need that there is someone beside me in my life who can offer it? I have been blessed, and I know this. I have my health, I have a decent job that I don't hate. I have all sorts of good and positive things in my life and I receive assistance in the difficult times. Which really has made it such that in the grand scheme of life and what can occur I have had a very trauma free existence. I didn't suffer from abuse, at least not at the hands of my family. I was able to have every opportunity to succeed within academics, sports, other extra curricular activities. My family spent time together playing in the park in the summer, or going ice skating in the winter. There is very little that I have had to struggle through, and even when I did struggle the outcome was such that I should have never worried in the first place.
Even now with all of the crap going on in the world, all the bad happening for everyone I still have had doors open before me that have made my path tremendously easier. I feel like I somehow ended up with a cheat code that puts life on easy mode, or some ridiculous notion like that.
It's funny how, I can turn the help I have been offered into some negative thing within my own headspace. I just need to accept that I am worthy of being helped and that I am able to accept what is offered to me. But there is part of me that says "I should be able to manage on my own" still. I just have to make wise decisions when it comes down to it, and make sure that the help offered ends up doing what it needs to because I made the appropriate decisions along with the assistance to get myself out of this hole.
Anyways, that's all I wanted to ramble on about today.
Whether that was helpful to you or not, who's to say. But if you took the time to read my words I want to thank you for your participation in my life. Hopefully you will be able to resonate with something I have said today and find some fulfillment and joy within your life.
