Hello Cage friends,
As I begin to end my first night shift I wanted to express just a few things. (Sure have been talkative these last few days, I have reached a new level of motivation)
So I "just read" an outstanding blog and sitting with some of the ideas behind it (like a few hours ago, but soon enough I consider it just having been read) it was on the ways that a dominant should be looking to share and incorporate your s type into your world as a dominant. The thing was he didn't speak on being perfect, it wasn't about doing any of that.
It was about intentionally choosing to bring this special person/s into your life. Including them. Making them apart of what you do, what you love. Making them understand why you think that way and seeing if they might also have interest in those areas or whether or not they can be shown how to be incorporated into those activities.
An example that was used in the blog was rock climbing. Perhaps you are an avid climber and could instruct your s type on how to belay and potentially work up to getting them on the rope.
But it wasnt about being perfect. It was being able to do the small things. About building rituals that have significance between the two of you. Not making them outlandish in number or severity.
Keep it simple. Keep it to a few. So that you can remember all that you have set in place, so that you consistently build trust and depth.
I have sat with myself and questioned over and over. Am I ready? Am I capable? Am I able to do all that I desire for my s type? Am I enough?
The thing is, I have been doing the things a dominant should in many many aspects of how I interact. I currently have a small select number of friends that I speak with regularly. As I am sure many of you have those that you just connect with, resonate with and find agreeable with your opinions and thoughts.
To me, I was always getting into this idea of "I have to do, and be everything. I want it all and so I should be it all." But that's not true.
Trust is built one day at a time. It is built in the non sexual, non sensual, regular sit and talk and get to understand each other ho hum drum of everyday life. Of course it can be built in sexual ways, it can be built in sensual ways. But alas for me, I do not have that luxury.
The friends I have made live a significant distance from me. It becomes a challenge to see them, to be anything other than a voice or words on a screen for them. I can't touch them, I can't see them (except through the camera of my phone) but to those that matter to me I want nothing more than to sit and talk.
To enjoy laughter together, and accept the gift of your time. To be honoured that we have built something together that neither of us can quite describe because it is in actuality nothing. But that I have slowly begun the process of building trust. In such a way that you feel confident and safe in being able to express trauma from your past. To sit with it, to sit with you and let my heart bleed and my eyes water and tear up. Not unhappy tears necessarily, but just the feeling and understanding of what that experience must have been like. To feel and share in that pain. To sit with it, and accept that there is nothing I can ever do to change the situation, so all I can do from miles away is cry with you. To feel the anguish that might have gone through your mind and yet know none of it at all. Because I never lived the experience. Just the words you were brave enough to communicate.
I am an emotional creature. I allow myself to feel as closely as I can to the perceived trauma, situation, experience as I can best imagine it based on your description. But these tears that fall are not meant to sadden you, nor are they meant to illicit any response from you. I just want to show you that as best I can, I am trying my hardest to understand you. That in fact I do understand you, and that while this situation happened in your past it does not define who you are today. In fact these doubts and worries that you have over yourself are completely unfounded. I can see that. I hope you will begin to see that as well.
My family is very religious, and I had just visited with my parents before heading off to work. They gave me a few birthday cards from different friends and family.
This one card had Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'".
Now that might be a little false advertising. As I do not have the plans I wish I could implement. But I have a hope for the future.
The only unfortunate part is that my long term goals seem to end up in flames and ashes. Of course that could very well be because my plans were not aligned correctly. That my plans were superficial and therefore easily destroyed.
My intention is to not allow this future slip me by. Although I have found there is little I can do to actually change the future except by my actions today.
To find peace and joy in sitting and seeing your face. To know that you are taking time from your busy life to think about me. To try and reach out and make my life easier in any way possible. In the smallest most inconceivable ways.
****Wow!!!!!!!***** Okay this is a side note, but just a moment I would like to share with you. So feeling more confident, and seeing that occur in many different ways. There are a ton of shifts in my workplace but we just had a posting come out for the foreman position, and my supervisor just came by and mentioned that he had directly emailed my the posting application. Me thinks he might want me to apply, and I might actually have a decent shot at getting the posting despite how many people are ahead of me because I have a reasonable amount of experience in 2 areas that the foreman would oversee.
But the point being of all of this. I am more capable than I believe. I am doing the right things and those that matter, that I wish to see in my life will be there so long as I continue the good work that I am doing in myself, and for those around me.
But I desire to know those who serve me, by looking into their eyes and knowing their heart and mind. I want to be able to see your thought through the expression on your face, the movement of your body. I want to know your desire and be able to embody it and show that you are desired, precious, important. You are my world and I want for you to be able to experience all that I have to offer.
It is abundant. It is fulfilling. It is joyous.
Anyways, technically my shift ended 3 minutes ago and I am still dressed like someone who is working.
So time for me to head over, get changed, get my ass home and work on being productive within my personal life so that I am fully prepared to allow those who choose me the space and environment that will continue to help them grow.
Thank you to those of you who helped inspire my line of thought.
A very special thank you to Civilised Stallion for his blog "It is Obvious" as the words he wrote were the inspiration for my small step forward today. I can't thank those that have helped me grow and move forward enough, because words just don't seem to do justice. But to those that affect change within my life I deeply thank you from the bottom of my heart.
