Hello deer Cafe Freud's,
So those that hang around might have laid witness to my last blog. It truly was an eye opening writing for myself and made me realize some fundamental truths about myself.
Not only that I had a very intense, emotional and absolutely soul crushing (at the time) interaction with myself, almost immediately after writing that blog. If you happened to have missed it scroll down and check it out if you feel the need. But the important part is this.
There is a lot about this lifestyle and it's not easy. It's not rainbows, sunshine and fun times. At least not all the time. Often it is hard, gut wrenching, time consuming work that we must put into ourselves. This isn't easy and I really had some struggles yesterday.
It started simply and went all sorts of upside down for me and I find it almost humourous that after such a revelation within myself, staring into the void inside me looking for answers that I opened the door and was fearful, ashamed, guilty, and furious about what I saw.
It started with some rice. That ended up on the floor. While I was making food I was very excited for.
Literally just a few grains.
And that set me off, I had a rage, fury and wrath bubbling, simmering right under the surface of me. I could feel it coursing through all of me, and there was a moment of pure exhaustion where I felt nothing but weak, incapable and unworthy. I wanted to put my fist through my drywall (luckily, I had enough restraint to resist the temptation but it was there and overwhelming) and the worst part wasn't that I could point to any particular reason. I was triggered and hurt and acting out. I couldn't understand and the scary part is that I felt like I had absolutely no control over myself and all because of a few grains of rice made there way to my floor.....
Of course that wasn't the reason just the tipping point. Really there was much more to it. It had to do with the fact that my eyes had been opened so forcefully to the fact that I didn't know myself half as well as I thought.
There is a *ahem* "short" list of questions that you should work to understand within yourself if you are going to participate in this lifestyle. It's important to be able to answer these questions, and that's absolutely true.
But an amazing friend who spoke to me when I was low, hurting, weak and an absolute emotional wreck (I mean tears and bawling like a baby) she said to me "Do you think those answers remain the same?" Consider how you might have answered those 6 months ago, or 5 years ago, or 10 years in the future? Will those answers all be the same as they are today?
It didn't take me long to admit that no, people change and those answers are constantly shifting. She made the wise and excellent point that it is the process of trying to find yourself. It is the searching, the asking, the poking and prodding. Yes the answers do matter, because they help you express yourself to those that wish to know you. But MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY it is the journey to find those answers. Because we shift, and our opinions change and perhaps even our purpose in life.
The thing about this lifestyle is that you reach out and hope you find people you connect and resonate with. You find those who you hope to guide, to bring into a safe place of trust and devotion. To be trusted. To be held. To have a safe space that you are free to feel (even if it's dishonest, because let's get real I wasn't mad at my food, I was mad at myself for letting something small effect me, for losing control, for not being able to express myself in an appropriate manner, but partly because I was afraid of all the things "I wasn't enough"). The thing to remember though is that as much as d types are there to support and comfort so is the s type. They are there to offer themselves and their support and love just as much as we do. They are there to help right ourselves, and one of the most powerful things you can hear while *absolutely losing your shit* is that you are trusted to still have control. That despite your flaws and weakness and all that you see as terrible within you, you still hold space and the ultimate well being for their heart, their mind, their safety. To be told while crying, and hurt and angry that if they were there beside you they would still trust in your ability, and your control. They would not hesitate to offer themselves to you, and that is a powerful thing to realize. It's not just your strength, but yes it needs to be there. But that those we interact with would still choose to stand beside you despite your flaws and all that you see as despicable and horrible within you. That is an immense strength that some come to use, abuse and take advantage of.
I mean I have not accomplished anything that impressive (in my own opinion) to see a man, angry, lost, hurting and yet still say "this one trusts you", that they would still offer themselves up to someone so imperfect. To offer support regardless of the outcome and potential hurt that might be caused.
I couldn't help myself but be impressed. I've never had a strength like that in my life until this moment. To have friends and those that I see as better than myself offer up their appreciation, time and effort to say "You are worth something to me" in whatever form that appears.
I made a lot of mistakes with my ex, and she did many amazing things for me but at the same time she also wasn't there for me in the ways that I needed. I didn't understand her and she didn't understand me as much as we tried and tried to find that common ground. We really were not an ideal match for each other.
But finding people and companions that can still look you in the eye and say I trust you, despite the short time frame that we have gotten to know each other, despite the fact that we have never met in person... "I trust you". That's something I didn't have with my ex, and as much as I wanted that trust I wound up creating a situation where that could never occur for us. By my actions.
This roller coaster will spin you up, and knock you down. It's hard work looking at our weakness and accepting it within ourselves, but there is an immense measure of support where when we can't see it for ourselves someone comes along (or maybe a few) and they point and say "It's okay, because I'm here and if I were there I would do anything to help you through this". They see your weakness and accept you for it, because of it.
I have been blessed with many different friends all throughout my life. But my friends from school, my friends of university, my friends that I work with have all come and gone and left me alone.
But the friends that I have made in the lifestyle, I have never been more certain that they will be lifelong connections. Because they see me at my worst and still hold space, and care and accept me. Despite my flaws, despite how I see myself.
I still have so much work to do. I still am focusing on taking ownership of my domain. I am still working on finding my propose. I'm still working on breaking my habit of laziness and procrastination. I'm still working on mastering my emotions, controlling how I express myself. But I also need to remember to do so without tempering the expectations for those around me and for myself.
I put such a high level of "You MUST reach this level, you MUST be this good, you MUST act perfectly, you MUST"
There is only one must within this lifestyle.
You MUST be yourself.
No more, no less, but work each day on being better. On finding the answers. On building trust within yourself, and those around you.
But how do you build trust within yourself? How do you trust that you are being honest and genuine and true to your purpose? How do you trust that you are capable?
It's in the little things, and always starts there. It's in the way you speak to yourself within your mind, and what you tell yourself you are capable of. It's the perspective in which you see yourself. It's the way that you take care of your property when no one is around. It's in the way you look out and care for yourself. Because by showing those around you that you are capable of taking care of you, that you would be capable of being able to care for them if they were to enter into your domain.
Of course you also need to be honest about your ability and ask yourself "Am I actually capable of handling the emotional well being for this other human" because there are some that just aren't meant for us. But there are a few who are worth our time, worth our effort and see us and accept us for who we are.
It's hard finding the right people, but the thing is if you are authentic, and show up exactly as you are and wholeheartedly exist as only you can there will come a time where those special people that truly see you for the magical, wonderful, beautiful person you are will find a way into your life.
It just requires patience, and the willingness to do the work, to work on yourself to prepare for the day you meet.
I am a man, that feels broken but I am whole. I feel useless but I am useful. I feel weak and ineffectual but I am strong and very effective. I feel like I am nothing, worthless and unworthy, yet I am everything (to those special few) I am worth all the world has to offer, and I am very deserving.
But only so long as I continue to work and put the effort each day. Because it's when you give up, and say "That's good enough" that is when you are truly unworthy. It will never be good enough because we can always be better in one way or another. If you give up and stop doing the hard work then why should the s type that choose to follow you do the same? Why should they continue to do the hard things you ask or demand of them if you aren't willing to meet them as equals on the same playing field.
We are all broken, and bruised. We are all incomplete. Can you accept that within yourself? Can you accept that within your s type? But then work together to become something greater and far surpassing where you stand alone, because you fulfill them by offering structure, discipline, guidance and the fortitude to remain steadfast within the coming storm that is your s type? That the world will throw at you? All the while they work harder than you could ever imagine to support and follow your guidelines. To be dutiful to you and show you just what kind of man you are, and that they are not afraid of you. Even in your weakest moment, they only offer to put you on their backs and lift you up to new heights.
Have you put in the work to be deserving of their grace? Of their support? Of their kindness and love? Have you done the work yourself?
I am only beginning, but the important part is the journey. It is found within the searching, within the desire to know yourself. To be better. To improve. To be all you can be for those that trust in you, to show them they were not misplaced in their trust. Because so many times s types trust and it comes back to harm them. They sacrifice of themselves for the wrong men, who are vain and users. Who take what they want without regard for the limits set. Who just simply abuse because they were given the chance to.
Will you be better?
I hope to.
I want to.
I will.
Each day with dedication to the process of finding ourselves. Finding those who align with our beliefs and values and who see us for who we are even when we are at our worst.
I hope you find peace within today, and strive to find it each new day.
