Hello Cage friends,
I must say it's been a minute. I've had this thought brewing and then compounding for a while now and I have reached a few realizations. A few very key important steps in the process that I did not handle as well as I could have.
I also reached out to some very smart people who have been able to offer me wisdom and words that I also wish to share and the understanding of myself that has come with them.
Plus a few other bits and bobs of thoughts that will have nothing to do with anything.
I hope you're ready.
So to begin, let's speak on something that I got wrapped up in that could have turned disastrous. We all know and acknowledge that this search to find people in our lives is an important one. We aren't just looking for someone to fill our time with. We are looking for the right someone(s). For those that begin the search you take your time, and you can't rush this. There has to be a pace to the process and I remember reading a blog (and being reminded recently) that there really is a process to this whole freaking schtick.
You can express your interest that you have with someone with a collar of consideration, followed by a training period, and if all goes well you can lead into a commited, contracted D/S dynamic and that is the end goal for many of us.
But what about the friendship? What about all that time leading up to the collar of consideration?
I've been thinking on this and wanted to write about this for a long time now and I finally have most of the pieces that I wish to express about this situation.
I'm talking about friendship within this lifestyle. I'm talking about the difference that I have seen with my limited time here and my limited interaction within the lifestyle and the difference between vanilla friends and d/s friends.
I have lost many vanilla friends and it's a sad thing to realize that all of my childhood friendships no longer exist in my life. Those in my past do not have any bearing in my present but who's to say I may not bump into them in the future. But I found friendship odd, and it was always something that I felt like my friends never really wanted to spend time with me. Either it was so they could get something from me (I used to smoke cannabis with my best friend but in University the only time we really spent together was when he needed to smoke, but I was fine with that at the time because of the situation I was in) but I very rarely had friends then and even now (within my vanilla relationships) that will reach out to me with an invitation. Honestly I don't get invited out to much. As a kid I remember spending my weekends calling around asking if *persons* could come and play, or if I could come over and hang out. Do you have the time? Will you reach out? Are you free? Can I come over? But in most cases I had to initiate the conversation, the interaction. I got tired of it. So at one point I stopped reaching out and I began to sit in my room in the basement playing videogames of my parents house.
Even now, the friends that I work with host parties and I tend to "hear" about it. But to me hearing about an event that's going on and being invited to that event are two completely separate things. I hated being a nuisance, a bother that just tagged along. I wasn't invited and therefore I wasn't wanted. At least that's the way I have seen it in my life and been made to feel (not by anyone's direct words, choices and actions but because that's just the way I view things) I've been told that there is a blanket "You are invited if we are doing something" but I have one legitimate friend that I work with who actually will take the time to come to me and say "Hey, we are hosting this for this reason you should come if you have the time". Although we haven't spoken even within the last few months but my schedule keeps me isolated from interacting with the people I work with. I'm usually gone before them, or after them. Or around when very few other people are. But I don't mind this, I enjoy my schedule. I like being away from drama and the insanity that people can bring.
Okay, so you have seen a part of my past and the interactions I have had and *not* had. In many ways my own views restricted my interactions but it felt like I was the only person putting in the effort to make the friendship work. I got sick of trying, of putting in the effort so I stopped. For a time.
Now let's take a look at d/s friendships. Part of d/s friendships are very different. It's not just a friendship. It's part of the process. It's part of the selection process for finding who you enjoy spending your time with. It's part of weeding out those who are not worth your time, or those that are worth your time but may have big deal breakers that need to be discussed or those that are just right in all ways for you. It's the beginning of selecting who you wish to see in your life more consistently. But there are so many aspects to finding friends that need to be discussed.
So I think probably in my opinion this giant thing that we all need to be aware of. We are interacting with these friends and people through a medium in which it is easy to pretend to be someone you are not. I am sure you have heard a story, know someone, or had it happen to yourself that the person you thought you were getting to know turns out they weren't. They might be married, or pretend to be someone completely different. Do you know who you are speaking with? I mean we all have those stories of I spent 3 years on this person and found out..... I went to meet them and all of a sudden this event happened in their life preventing our interaction. I mean it happens all the time, in different ways. But the thing is life is crazy and messy and sometimes that cataclysmic event actually did occur and yes their life really is in danger and yes the concern you have is real. But it all comes down to this. First you need to be confident about who you are. AUTHENTIC. Second, you need to have faith that those you are speaking with are who they say they are, but you should be diligent in being aware. Does the information they tell you line up with your interaction? Does the time spent together actually lend to the stories they have said about their current situation? Do you trust this person? Do you believe they are being fully honest with you? Do you have pieces of real life that you have seen and witnessed that correlate to the information you have previously gathered? Does all of that line up? When asked do they freak out on you and get defensive, or do they go "hahahaha oh here's the proof, now let me see yours...." How do they act when confronted with an issue? How do they show themselves to be when faced with a daunting near impossible situation that *seems* farfetched? Is that the actual reality or just the lies that an online troll has placed in front of you?
Here's the point to all of this. We can't know for certain until meeting this person face to face that they are who they say they are. I mean sure if you had a zoom call you might be able to figure out that "Jezebel" is actually "Bob" from Detroit. (Made up names not trying to point to anyone, just trying to make a point) Yes there are ways that you can be skeptical and have to look and should question at times "Is this person who they say they are". That is very very very important. Anyone who is serious about this understands this concern though and when presented with this task of proving yourself will gladly share the evidence because they have nothing to hide. Within all of this though we have to have trust and faith that those we spend our time with are who they say they are. We can't know for certain but there has to be some level of trust placed in these people as well as ourselves that "Yes, I am showing up authentically, yes I am who I say I am and yes my goal is to find the person(s) I hope to die beside."
Okay, I think I've made that point clear. We are all looking for that person who we hope that spend the rest of our days with. At least there are some of us that are looking for that. If you aren't that's also excellent, so long as you can express that at the beginning and make it known to those you are spending your time with. So long as you remain authentic to who you are, what you need, what you are looking for, and express that openly and can prove all of these aspects as well. But typically the truth will be realized soon enough. Sometimes it takes months, and sometimes it takes years. But eventually if you are being duplicitous and are intending to meet with someone you will be found out. I mean there are some damn good liars out there unfortunately. It's sad but true. It makes all of our jobs harder but to those that care about your d/s friends you will do all in your power to show that you are who you say you are. You will prove your authenticity.
Now, onto the next portion of d/s friends. So let's say you met this fantastic friend. They have shown you by their actions, time spent together that yes I am me. You are you. We like each other and things are going well. The most important thing to remember is that yes friendship is awesome, yes friendship can still be a number of confusing things though. Because we can slip into unintentional d/s boundary and the line between "just friends" and "commited contracted dynamic" are just a few miles apart. Separated by time periods which can be utilized as amazing tools to take into consideration, training and eventually a permanent collar. What happens though when we get blinded by emotion? When the joy we feel at being able to serve our friends helps fulfill us. We see this person as "perfect" because they like us, and enjoy our time and we have many amazing things in common. We have similar kink that aligns and makes us feel giddy inside? But we have to be very very careful. We don't want to waste the time of those that are important to us. But what kind of d/s friendship do you have? Because I feel like there are many different versions of d/s friendship.
Let's take "just friends" d/s. This is one of those situations where you see each other. You understand each other. You know you are both looking for something different but you help bring clarity to situations that the other person is experiencing because you have gone through it yourself and know what that might feel like. So you can help and explain and share with them and help both of you to grow. Just make sure they do the same for you, as you do for them. Equal power exchange. Equal benefit. Equal understanding that "we are just friends" and that is excellent.
Let's get into "mentorship" d/s. Now this could be all sorts. You could be looking for someone of the same sex who has experience you may not. You may just want to learn and improve and experience their wisdom and guidance and hope to impart what they have shown you as good judgement.
Or perhaps this is someone of the opposite sex that you see as valuable. As important. But again critical differences in perhaps your outlook on how you may interact. But you may want to become play partners to gain from the practical experience you may gain from being able to step a little further into the actual process of practicing all the kink that interests you and helping you find what is true in reality, instead of just based on fantasy of what your mind has created for this kink.
Part of all of these processes need to be approached honestly though. You need to make those that are involved where they stand. "Yes, I adore you in all ways but we have a fundamental crack in the potential of our relationship but I still want to learn from you". Again, the important part within all of this is knowing what you want, knowing yourself and being able to express that to another person.
Next let's get into "I hope this works" d/s. Now this is the really tricky one I believe. To me this is the situation where you know you like this person, you know you are aligned in many different ways. You know you have similar kink, and preferences but the reality of the situation is that while getting to know them there was pieces of information that were glossed over, and sort of recognized but not spoken about. You NEED TO BE DAMN CAREFUL!!!!!!! This is also where unintentional d/s can royally bend you over and take your virginity. You can let emotion push you past this moment and rush headlong into disaster. Because yeah you sort of noticed this thing about the other person and you mentioned something that made them give you a quizzical eyebrow. But if you dont go back and ask serious, intentional questions about the situation you may get a year down the road and find out "This was a dealbreaker and we aren't right for each other". In my opinion it's better to take your time, and ask the hard heavy questions before things progress and get out of hand. Because at that point no one is walking out unscathed.
I recently found a part of myself that is pivotal within the dynamic I want. I want my family to be able to interact with my person. I see the dynamic I want to be long lasting until the day death separates us. I want my person to become my family, I want to wrap them up and see them become apart of my daily interaction. I want to see my future alongside them. Visiting for Christmas, opening gifts with my family and spending time with my siblings and nieces and nephews. I want my parents to meet you, I want to have my family together. But here's the thing, my family (my parents to be more precise) are super religious. Guess what? Religion just happens to be one of the biggest deal breakers that can be thrown in your face. Knowing how you serve your faith, knowing it's apart of you, knowing that the reality is some people are not tolerant when it comes to religion. In my marriage I had the experience of choosing between my wife and my family. I do not wish to have to make that choice again. I would much prefer that my family would be able to accept those who I bring into my household, and accept me. Will that realistically happen? I'm not sure but it would be a disservice to my friends that I am strongly considering and hoping to spend my life with that we AT LEAST discuss the potential of that interaction. Because it's something that's important to me. It needs to be determined carefully. With many questions, and conversations. It needs to take time to consider all of these factors.
Okay, so this "I hope it works" d/s. What happens when you come to this critical junction and realize that there could be massive pitfalls that could cause the dissolution of your relationship? Well hopefully you could discuss all of the things that concern both of you, and come to reasonable compromise that all sides can accept. Or come to the conclusion we may just be play partners. Or perhaps it's just friends. Or maybe that's too difficult to be around each other after all of this and it's best to just go out separate ways afterall. Of course each of these situations (with the exception of compromise) will absolutely suck. There is no turning off the hurt you feel when someone you feel genuinely connected to reaches a point of "this is a problem for us". There is no amount of contracted agreements that can turn off the emotional side of who we are as humans. There will be an emotional response. It will hurt like hell. But better to at least be honest and capable to acknowledge this all before you slip further and further into unintentional d/s or perhaps even intentionally unintentional d/s.
So what I consider intentionally unintentional d/s is the conversation between friends where you reach a situation of "I see a problem and I want to help you fix it, will you let me help you fix this issue in your life?" Of course most times I am assuming both of you will jump for joy and say "Yes, please help me". This is very intended and the purpose has been made clear. But now you have this sort of contracted agreement that you will be actively helping with a specific issue. How could this possibly go wrong at all? Well big point to note (which I happened to miss....smh) you should set a time limit, and create a legitimate contract that for this period of time I will help with X. Because if you don't set limits to the situation of how you will offer your help what happens when you finish that task? What are the expectations from both sides? Where do you go from there now? I mean you just take the next step and help with the next thing and do more because it's satisfying to give guidance and it's satisfying to receive leadership. But holy fuck we are just friends and now what's happening???? We have now slid into the unintentional side of d/s. Which can lead us further into a situation where "Oh wait, but look at these issues we haven't really discussed yet because we have been so distracted by our infatuation". This is where the pain on both sides will really hit home. This is where you want to go but haven't taken the necessary steps to make sure you arrive here safely. Ready. Complete.
I believe it's best to pause, to take a minute to breath and step back. Do a full evaluation. Take the careful time to see how you line up and what potential deal breakers can be found because they NEED to be found and discussed. Either how you plan on seeing those situations unfolding, or realizing that no compromise can be found in this situation, so what's the best option. Just friends, maybe a mentorship, or just play partners or perhaps go our separate ways.
Then of course the last type of friendship would be "This does work" d/s. I mean this one is pretty obvious. You have done the careful work. You have found yourselves compatible and you would like to begin the next step a collar of consideration.
At least this is the way I see things, and have partially experienced all of these situations. Of course there could be other types of d/s friendships, but I think the fact alone is that a friendship within d/s is extremely complicated. You need to be aware of where you are, what you are hoping and want and need. You have to know what type of friendship you want with this person, but guess what? The more you find out about them the easier it is to put them into a type of friendship. Just make sure you express this explicitly and gain acceptance from all sides. Just be aware though if you truly desire more from the friendship but the other side doesnt see it going past that then you have a hard decision to make. Stay within the realm of friends always feeling less, and like you wish and want for more and that can leave you exhausted emotionally and mentally. But it's your choice to keep that person close because they still help and see ways that you can grow. It hurts to not be more to them, but can you accept only being their friend? You have to make that determination for yourself. You have to be able to walk that line and know that it may become unbearable. At which point you will have to make a choice.
Okay, so that was my spiel on friendships. I had wanted to talk a little further on some other topics, but I'm thinking that they might be saved for a different blog. Because it has nothing to do with this subject and I can't think of a way to segue into it.
I did find this song just the other day though from one of my favourite artists, and I want to share with you today.
Well I hope you found value in my words today, as we begin a new week take time to see your friends. Share openly, be honest. Take the time to evaluate properly what your situation is. What you desire and what you want to accomplish together. Make sure you are on the same page. Don't forget that a friendship within d/s is also a negotiation.
It's not just about finding out what kink you like. It's finding out if you are truly compatible with one another. About the nitty gritty details, that may become giant glaring issues down the line. It's important to spot these pitfalls in advance and do your best to prepare for them. Or have an honest expression that "This is too much for me to handle, and I can't be what you want me to be." Because it's not about being what someone else wants. It's about being yourself, just who you are. Are you accepted for all that makes you up? Unfortunately sometimes that includes the people around you. The friends you have currently, the friends you hope to have, the family you have and all sorts of complicated variables that need to be looked at. Take your time with the process, practice patience and work your way through slowly. If you do, you will have a much higher chance at finding success. Success at finding that right person or persons who just fits you exactly as you need.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope you are safe and well within the insanity of life. Have a day.
