Hello Cage friends,
It's been a minute since we last spoke. I have been a little disoriented lately. I have been struggling with many different aspects of the lifestyle and I had felt numb, empty and lost.
I recently had a conversation with my ex that made it abundantly clear how I harmed her. What my actions did and how they hurt her. She has lost all faith and trust within me. Part of why we ended was because she wasn't able to trust me but believe me when I say she gave me plenty of opportunity to improve myself and I did slowly for 10 years. But I never once gave her the love she needed or wanted. I was incapable. I didn't handle situations in any proper way. I would ignore her for days when we fought. Then after ignoring her I would pretend like nothing had been wrong. I was foolish and immature, and I hurt her on levels that still impact her today.
Although I've changed much about myself she sees these new actions and yet they still cause her pain because she asks herself "What's wrong with me and why couldnt he do that or be that for me." She is completely right. I didn't love her the way she needed and the small change I implemented was just enough to give her the bare minimum of hope that I could actually be what she needed. In many ways I said the right things and yet the issue is that I never came through with the appropriate actions.
This haunts me, and I have apologized many times over but you can't go back in the past. I used 10 years of her life, and in many ways wasted her time. I wasted her time because I couldn't be honest with her. I was terrified to. I was scared to lose her, I was scared to hurt her. I was scared that everything would come crashing down around me.
I lied to her for a very long time and no amount of apology or change in my current self today can change the past.
I read a blog a few days ago that spoke on serving the dynamic VS serving your girl. There is a very big difference and had I been able to be honest years ago I could have maybe saved her plenty of heartache. The thing is, when we separated things began to improve for me. While they only got worse for her. It's a tough situation and as I am and no matter what form I take I can't do anything to help her. The pain and suffering and harm that I caused will not go away. It's embedded into her memory forever and it's something she will always carry with her moving forward in life.
I regret that I wasn't honest with her. To at least have given her a chance to maybe find happiness with someone who truly cared for her as she needs. Because I used up 1/3 of her life and some of her best years with my deceit. Because it would be difficult or hard or troublesome for me if I were to be honest. I needed to be honest with her and should have given her that choice from the beginning. To make her most informed decision with all the correct information. But I choose to lie and hurt her more deeply for it after years.
Recently I have gone through a phase of losing of faith within myself. I lost trust within myself.
I lost sight of my focus, my ambition, I completely lost all sight of my will and what it means. Why I'm here and I broke down losing my mind feeling as if I didn't even belong here within the lifestyle. In many ways, it seemed like all presence of my dominance vanished and it terrified me. What if I'm lying to my friends? Making them believe something and putting their faith in me when it's not true? What if I am lying to them and myself?
I am fortunate in so many ways that there are wiser gentleman than I, that I am able to rely upon. Directly and indirectly.
I reached out to my mentor explaining briefly my situation, where I was at and asking if he had ever found himself there. It was a huge relief to know this wasn't something I was simply experiencing myself and that there were moments when he lost sight of where he wanted and needed to go.
I also read a blog on trust, the 3 ways in which trust is exhibited and possibly ways of thinking to work at correcting those missteps.
Needless to say the writer mentioned that trust within yourself is paramount. I had lost all sense of being able to trust myself. His recommendation was to remind and refocus on what it is that you give as a dominant. When you lose faith in yourself it can be helpful to remind yourself what you need to give, why you give it and how it is given.
I was floundering. I felt empty, and void of passion. I felt so damn lost and it was terrifying because I could only see myself causing nothing but harm all over again.
I told myself I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need. I don't trust myself. I am spinning in circles and losing my mind over it.
The crazy part though? The people I have in my life now don't hold that over my head. They don't belittle me for not knowing, or for being scared. But I'm also drastically approaching the situation completely differently. I am a new man, a wholly different person. I'm not who I used to be and I will not be the same person in two months time. I am the sum of all my mistakes, I am the man who caused nothing but harm and in doing so learned how to not follow the same patterns. But it was at the cost of someone very dear to me, and yet I don't bare the weight of those mistakes. In many ways I have moved beyond them, but the person who still pays for my wrongdoings had nothing but love to give and gave it to someone who didn't deserve her. I wished I could have been better but I wasnt at a place in my life where I could be. I tried but always fell short. I'm still terrified that all I will do is fall short. I'm absolutely horrified that I am simply a liar, lying to myself and those around me. I am worried that I am repeating my own folly and yet I know how silly that is.
I'm not without my purpose. I know my will. I know what I offer and what I hope to give. But there is so much deep seated doubt that even in the face of perfection I am absolutely stunned and worried I am making the same mistakes. That I will eventually prove myself to be the exact same boy I used to be.
That's the lie. That's the dishonest truth. What I have told myself my entire life, that I am not capable. That I am not able. That I am and have always been scum.
I need to stand up for myself. I need to work at forgiving myself of my past crimes and applying grace to this man here and now. I am well beyond who I used to be, but I feel trapped in old cycles. I am combatting these voices that scream at me saying I'm not enough.
I will find my inner peace. I will find my absolute will. I just need to ensure that I continue working each day to make sure that is a determined, intentional focus within my life. It is a goal that will always be worked towards. Each time I cross that line, it will jump a little further ahead once again. Because I can exhibit more control over myself. I am master of my will, my emotions and my thoughts. I guide where I spend my energy, and I will be able to one day silence the voices in my head.
Today I work towards that end. Today, I make sure that my past lessons were not in vain even if the one who taught them to me never gets to see the fruit of those learned truths. I choose to honour her by continuously moving forward, even if it just causes her more pain. Because this is my journey and she was integral in determining my path, just as I was in hers.
I was feeling lost. I was feeling numb. I was feeling empty. But no more. I have work to do, and I will not wallow in self pity or remorse because I have a purpose. I have a place I need to be, and I am much closer to it than I ever have been.
I want to thank my friends, near and far. Those who have listened to me lament and cry over my lack of ability. Those who have offered advice and given counsel. Thank you for helping me to move forward one step at a time and allowing me the room to do so at my own pace.
I hope you are well today, and that you have found some value in the words I have written today.
Thank you for your time in reading my blog today.
