Hello Cage friends,
Holy mother lover. This has been a lot longer than I had wanted. It's been what feels like forever and yet has only been a few short weeks. Each time I recently attempted to write a blog I would get stuck after a few words, a few sentences or maybe if I was lucky a few paragraphs. But eventually I would get frustrated as I felt like what I was writing held no meaning. It was fluff. It was inconsequential, meaningless, me trying to put something down just to be heard. I would get frustrated with how useless, or unimportant my words felt and I would delete everything in anger.
I have had many experiences over the last few days. I have come to some very important realizations. I had some very insightful experiences. I grew, I shifted, I connected with myself and I fell short.
Each one of us has weakness, each one of us struggles with something different. Whether a physical ailment, a challenging environmental situation, a mental barrier or even mental health problems.
I have recently realized a few important facts of my life which were ground breaking and threw me into a loop of emotional negativity.
First off, I realized with no doubt in my mind I am not a dominant.
I do not mean to say "Oh because I'm a switch, or because I'm submissive". I mean to say I am not a dominant because I am not capable of handling my life. I realized that my house, my finances, the well being of the animals under my care do not receive the necessary care they require.
I have shifted my mentality, and the more I grow within the lifestyle I have come to realize how terribly far I am from my goal. It's obvious to think "It's a lot of work, and requires a great deal of skill, knowledge, and talent to be able to fully look after someone in all ways. To always consider everything and how best to move forward for that person." Saying it though and then getting a small piece of experience that SHOWS the difference is massive. I had to step back and shake my head at the realization that the full responsibility of another life, fully and completely is an insane amount of work. To always consider all situations, all occurrences, all needs, and then to act and fulfill in response to life those needs and handle the shifts of situation.
The thing is in realizing how much work it is to properly take care of another person when I shifted my attention to my life I saw very clearly the ways I am failing myself.
To begin I need to correct my situation. My situation is one of financial burden, which stems from my property, my animals, my debt.
I have an opportunity to move back in with my parents and I need to accept this offer because removing my mortgage, removing my responsibility and stabilizing my financial situation is absolutely necessary and I really cannot do that properly here in my current space. The only reason I am managing is because until the end of March I have deferred my mortgage payments.
I sent some photos of my house to my friend in order to give him an idea of what my property looked like. Each photo was a slap in my face of "Holy shit" this entire place has degraded into a state of disrepair. It has not been organized (because I am atrocious at organization and have been my entire life) and each photo that I sent him compounded the sensation that I am disorganized, and have not properly taken care of my property.
I look at my animals and I see very clearly how I am failing each one of them. I have 3 dogs and 2 cats. My dogs are wonderful amazing animals. Although moving back in with my parents they have stated they would not be able to have me bring my pets with me except one. So I need to either find temporary homes for them, or send them to a shelter, or find someone who may potentially rent my house and also look after them. There are so many issues with this because my German Shepard has behavioural issues and it breaks my heart because as hard as I try I can't change his behaviour. But I also fail miserably at trying. He has very high energy levels and I do not exercise him enough, and on days where I don't work I don't spend the necessary time with him. Don't get me wrong, I have vastly improved where I used to be and have grown immensely but I am nowhere near being close to giving them the proper care they all deserve and I fail each and everyone of them. It's a very hard thing for me to accept that my situation is different and that I am simply not caring for them the way they need. I broke down, with just the thought of having to send my dogs into a shelter, leaving them there and having to walk away but they need someone who can appropriately look after and care for them. They deserve a better life and they struggle having that life with me.
This all said I have to look into my options, with my house, with my animals, and I need to forge forward and make changes to improve my situation.
The thing is its so easy to get distracted, and I had read blogs and heard stories about how dominants would delve into fixing their submissives as a means of ignoring their own issues. I have been focusing on my relationships and ignoring my needs. Not on purpose, but I can make change in someone else's life and that makes me feel better but I am ignoring making the change in my life.
I also recently say a moment where a friend made a comment in part of our interaction and I saw in myself the vulnerability of my insecurity. I am extremely insecure about what I offer. I am constantly afraid that I am not enough, but I also recognize and am self aware enough to express my insecurity in a way that doesn't blame the other person. I can accept my insecurity, my weakness and admit that I am not who and where I want to be.
I had a really important conversation last night and realized even more so my greatest failing right now. I am being ruled by fear. I didn't think that I had hang ups from my past that haunted me, but I do. Just like everyone else. My friend pointed out clearly to me something that I do, that I know I do, and that I need to immediately work at changing.
I minimize my feelings.
I have a history of expressing myself and it causing nothing but anger, resentment, arguments, disagreements, and I am fearful that when I express my own raw feelings that the person I express those feelings won't be able to hold space for me. So even in expressing how I feel I surround those feelings with all sorts of fluff to lessen the impact of what I am feeling. I am disregarding my well being, my emotional safety and doing a disservice to my person by not being able to acknowledge that they are capable of seeing me as I am. The good and the bad. Because I so desperately need to be continually positive. I can't bring negativity into a situation because it will create a cycle of negativity that builds until its completely out of control. But that's my history that tells me that. Not my current situation.
Part of these emotions are based on the fact that long distance relationships FOR ME, are hollow. Yes there are many creative ways you can spend your time with someone. Yes with technology you can be much closer to those who live miles away. But I NEED a physical connection with my person. Take for instance wax play. To me I gain satisfaction in using wax play as a form of marking. That is the way I enjoy wax play. But there is a massive difference between being able to place the wax immediately and as I desire, VS having someone at my instruction try and create the image in my head. Don't get me wrong it is a great tool at building communication between each person, it can be useful and helpful and a fair bit of fun but it's not anywhere near the same level of intimacy and intensity when doing it yourself.
But see ^^^^^ even now I am still minimizing my emotions and feelings. I'm still trying to wrap my experience and my feelings into "but it's still so good for so many reasons". I'm still trying to find what value I can in the experience or else it would not be worth the time to do at all. So I have to search for those meanings, and I have to figure out why I am doing it and why I enjoy it. But at the same time I have to be honest and express my needs, my wants and my feelings about situations without fear that it will blow up in my face. Without being absolutely terrified that the end result will cause a complete dismantling of all that I have worked so tirelessly to build up.
I don't want my effort to be wasted and for nothing. The time you spend getting to know someone and creating a relationship, a dynamic, developing the interaction becomes a complete waste if it all goes away. When my marriage ended I didn't fully realize in what ways it had impacted me. I didn't see parts of my own baggage that I am lugging around holding onto. I am clinging desperately to this idea that I need to assuage and smooth the roughness of the emotions I'm feeling, so that I protect the other person from me. From the damage I cause. Because that's how I see myself. As someone only capable of harming another person. I only do damage, I only harm. I only destroy and if I express myself openly then I will just hurt and harm another person needlessly because I can mitigate what I'm feeling. Because I have done that my whole life. I have always said I shouldn't express myself that way. Now don't get me wrong, TACT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. You can't just barge into someones face and word vomit everything inside your mind and inside your heart. You still have to deeply consider how these words will impact the other person, but you need to be honest with yourself. You need to be forthright and open and transparent. It's a really fine line to walk of "This is how I feel, why I feel and how it can be better". Of course, there is a massive difference if you take the necessary time to understand yourself, understand why you feel a certain way about a certain situation and still respect all sides involved but WITHOUT minimizing the truth of your emotions and feelings. That's where the dance becomes complex and intricate.
I am making progress, and I am finding my way but I am nowhere near where I should be. I am still young, naive, and foolish. I am still learning, and understanding myself. I am still growing and trying my hardest to be all that I can, and I am still getting frustrated with the "lack of progress". But I am not as hard on myself as I once was. I am putting one foot in front of the other each day, and I am working at resolving my issues. I will get where I want to be one day. It just takes time and grace to know that I am moving in the right direction and these struggles are my path forward. Overcoming the obstacles in my way will forge me into the man I desire to be. I just can't allow myself to roll over and be crushed under the weight of the tasks I have undertaken.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words today, and I hope it offers some insight into your own path and journey.
