Hello Cage friends,
So recently the idea of energy has been on my mind. Our personal energy, the energy of the Universe how its connected, how our actions will impart some of that energy to our surroundings whether we wish it to or not. It comes down to the choice we make, the words we choose, the places we touch. How we touch, our intentions behind them and all of it matters.
I am learning some very interesting things, today I had a chance to gain the beginnings of a new skill. I've never broken down a full chicken before and today I set at dismantling two of them. While I was going about it I had a slight "Aha" kind of moment. When I was a child I used to love learning. It didn't matter what subject, whether it was in school or a technical skill or to grow in my athletic ability. To test myself and just try something I've never done before. As an adult I've grown to recognize that I allow frustration to hold me back. I easily get frustrated when I don't do it perfectly, when the outcome is supposed to "look like this" but mine is mangled and misformed. I lost the joy of learning, because as a child I held nothing back I didn't care how foolish something made me look, or that I didn't do it right. It was just new information and I loved to learn. I loved gaining a new skill and seeing how to put it in action such that I knew how to solve equations or find the next move on the chess board. It just didn't matter what it was I loved doing it. I loved trying. But somewhere along my journey the stress of getting it right, having the answers, performing, getting results, being perfect became the focus and I no longer enjoyed learning and I stopped reaching to find new information because I felt it was beyond me so "Why even try?" I've felt that my efforts were pointless, that my time was being used inappropriately, that I lost focus in my life. Using a substance became my focus because I no longer had to think, I could shut out the world and simply exist within myself and close all doors around me. I isolated myself. I choose to close my own doors.
Today, I was breaking down a chicken. I tried and messed up. I was beginning to get frustrated but I had an encouraging teacher who wouldn't allow me to give up, and I remembered back to my youth when simply learning something new brought me joy. I tried to tap into that mindset and wouldn't you know I managed to keep my frustration away. It didn't sour my mood and poison the next interaction. It didn't make me hostile and start to attack those simply trying to help me. I've been stuck in that place before, refusing to allow people in. Because I was better off alone. Or so I thought. What a fool I was, as I have come to this site I've learned so much and gained so much insight from those who have gone before me. I learn and grow from the mistakes of those around me, who have warned me about the consequences of my actions. I've taken to heart the lessons I've heard, but some didn't internalize and I had to walk through my own failings in order to have the words of one wiser than me ring in my ears and connect to my current self, with my own personal experiences that "Yes, there is a reason you check in during a scene frequently". I've heard from so many, and no matter where the knowledge comes from we all do our best when we see, hear, understand and allow ourselves to be taught by all of those around us. Perhaps the lesson is "Yeah don't do that" or maybe it's a lot more subtle and takes time to truly sink in. But in isolating ourselves we feel as if we are protecting those around us, and protecting ourself. In truth we are simply being locked away. We aren't allowing our energy to mix with someone else's and create something new. It remains stagnant and can begin to rot within who we are.
There are so many ideas behind energy, where does it stem from, how do we access it? I had just recently visited with my family yesterday for lunch, and during our conversation my sister was recounting a part of her meditation. She had been looking inside herself and she saw a warzone waged inside her body. She's been through 3 back surgeries and at one point was paralyzed without the ability to walk. She was searching through her own self, examining the problems where they stemmed from and she mentioned about trauma. I've been sitting with this idea for a while mulling it over. If actions and energy can be transferred then what happens when someone is abused? That energy, that negativity, that trauma gets imbedded inside the tissues and exists there. It seeps deep into the fibers of what makes us, and for those that have gone through some pretty horrific events in their life that damage and harm can be so deeply embedded that you don't even recognize when and where it can be released. There is negative energy trapped inside, leeching insidious poisonous harmful cells working on a level we can't see. Part of the duty of someone who is wholly responsible for another's existence is taking care of that insipid energy. It is our duty to acknowledge it within ourselves, and to handle that appropriately. But if by definition one has chosen to submit to you, then you take on the responsibility of handling that traumatic energy. Because it is apart of your P/person. It is in finding the appropriate means to help work that energy away and purify those who place their trust in us. If we want the absolute best for those who choose to give all of themselves to us then we hold the responsibility of managing and working through that trauma. For the betterment of our person, our dynamic, and their future.
I had a moment where I recognized that I have been given many things. I have been gifted a fully functioning brain, I have been gifted a great family, I have been gifted good genetics, I have been given so many things. Part of that though I was also given doubt, fear, anger, self loathing, depression. This isn't the complete list but I am recognizing within the complexity, within the challenge of setting myself to overcome my lack of confidence, mastering my anger, handling my doubt, my fears, my self loathing I forge myself into the man I am meant to be. Each one of the negative aspects that I see in my personality are part of my burden, part of my trial and test to overcome. To work at mastering such that I no longer allow them to hold power over me. When I combat the negativity inside of myself I work towards becoming exactly who I am, who I am meant to be and the person that the Universe has chosen for me. I find my place, my purpose, and my path forward by taking control of the poisonous energy inside of myself.
I had a moment where fear set in and in a moment of shock I didn't respond to a situation in an appropriate way. The decent thing to do would have been to offer any response, but I was caught off guard and so I chose to say nothing and pretend like I hadn't heard the comment. The thing was fear paralyzed me, and I thought I had moved past that point. Only to be shown how much room I still have to grow. The funny part was in the days after the event, I played through the situation. I began to ask myself all sorts of questions. If she were in my space, would I care for her well being? If she were here beside me, would I want the absolute best for her? If she were by my side would I care to see her find her path, follow her future and work diligently towards those ends? Would I help her move forward, would I choose to be there if she stumbled, would I offer my support, would I be my silly self, would I try to make her laugh, would I exist as my best for her? Would I look after her bumps and bruises, and care for her physical, mental, emotional wellbeing to the best of my ability? The answer to all of these questions was without hesitation "Yes". The thing is I didn't see myself in a specific role, I couldn't possibly imagine myself there in that respect, but beyond those internal withholdings when I asked myself the basic questions. When I broke it down into "What would I do for her?" the answer became exceptionally clear.
In all ways I choose to become a Guardian. In all ways I will act as a Guardian. In all ways I will become a Guardian.
I still have a lot to learn, but I am searching to find the joy of reaching into new spaces. I am searching to let the view of those around me fall to the wayside as I move intentionally forward. If I seem odd, if I get funny looks, if someone doesnt understand me then it is their loss. Because I will move forward in ways that matter to me, and to those who choose me. I don't need a stranger to understand why I act as myself, if they see a silly man it's because I am indeed a silly man. I enjoy silliness. I enjoy light hearted good natured fun, I want to experience more joy, more ease. Because that serves me, and it serves those who stay by my side.
I thank you once again for your time in reading my blog, I hope you perhaps found aspects of it enlightening such that you may have learned a lesson.
