Hello Cage friends,
Has it ever been a productive weekend filled with laughter, important moments, and learning. TVS and I attended a seminar in which many different speakers approached different topics within the M/s framework, how those different aspects looked and what worked for the perspective person.
Today I also was directed (by my sweet Delilah) to a lecture that was on a topic that I find exceptionally important.
So yesterday, I observed 3 Masters and 1 slave that spoke on different topics. Each topic had its own insightful moments. Everyone had their way of doing things, of what was important to them. Although I enjoyed the topics discussed it wasn't until the last presenter that I truly felt the impact of all she spoke on. Cocobuns had a presentation on abandonment in an incoming slave. It truly spoke to my heart. There is so much trauma that has occurred in many individuals lives. She broke down so many valid points, perspectives, and ideas of what happens inside the mind of someone who has experienced trauma from a young age. It was extremely powerful. But amazing to see someone who works each day to battle their demons and who has put in the effort to come out on top after fighting day in and day out.
So today, the lecture that I attended happened to be on healing trauma through BDSM. It was presented by kinky friendly therapists that was quite well done.
To me, and my journey I want to understand trauma. I've witnessed areas of it in my past relationships. I've seen aspects of mental health issues that would wrap up my girlfriends and cause anxiety and near triggered responses that seemed to have been caused by trauma. Even my ex wife who had endured many different aspects of abuse and neglect had quite a large struggle that we tried to work through. Unfortunately because of the trust that I broke in the very beginning of our relationship I never had the chance to be there to support her when she was dealing with some very heavy spaces because she couldn't believe that I would be able to hold those spaces open. So she never really let me in. She didn't give me the trust and acceptance to let me into those places, and that was her boundary she had to set.
But it hurt to see her try and walk these spaces without allowing me to see her there.
Now, I have placed myself into a position of trust with the girl I have chosen for my life. I have walked with integrity all throughout our interactions. I know the quality of support I've offered to her. I know I can be capable of so much more though, and I am going to further my education and improve my ability to help her navigate some of these traumatic events of her past to be able to heal and help her walk forward.
I may not be a therapist. I may not be experienced. But I'm learning. Utilizing BDSM to work through and help overcome trauma is something that I believe I am capable of handling. Perhaps not in all spaces, but as the lecturers informed us today it's about knowing your limits. If you try to walk through a space that is beyond you sometimes it requires then to reach out to professionals to assist in the process. But working through the history of trauma and rewriting those narratives from negative into positive ones is very important to me. It is apart of my Will to be able to utilize BDSM in this way.
So I want to share a bit of what was spoken on in the course. We began with definitions, some misconceptions and the perspective of psychology about kink and alternative lifestyle choices. I'm not going to lie staying awake during this part was actually challenging for me. Partially because the presenters did not speak English as a first language and they were actively translating everything between Greek and English. It was actually impressive but at the same time I felt myself checking out at moments of understanding definitions especially when they were explaining in a language I just didn't understand.
As they went through it became apparent though that one critical piece of information is that everyone is absolutely different. Just as our experiences, even how we respond and handle those interactions shifts. Some people when exposed to traumatic events close themselves off, they can't handle speech, don't want to communicate, don't want touch or intimacy. While others reach out and crave that intimacy, crave touch, crave constant communication. First and foremost in all situations it takes knowing your P/person. They also spoke about the need to take time, approach with patience, kindness and a very open "I am here for you in anyway you need me". Again nothing crazy considering any activity within the lifestyle requires patience and a slow persistent approach. You don't jump into the deep end without negotiating, without communication, without working through safe words, safe signals (in case someone is of the non communicative type) and establishing what aftercare looks like hours and even days afterwards. Again all of this takes knowing your person and accounting for the ways they may respond to the trauma play. Even being aware that these events may affect the dominant just as much. The thing is with trauma play, the approach needs to be much more closely monitored because you are intentionally walking into places that have been traumatic. The s type could enter into a whirlwind of thought that traps them in their past. Stuck in the moment of abuse, and it becomes your responsibility in knowing how to ground them in here and now. To recognize that the hysteric crying that's occurring is actually a cathartic release of emotion as opposed to a hysteric crying of a triggered traumatic response. Even checking in might leave you just as unsure because your s type may not know if this is positive or negative. Whether we should continue or if this needs to be a stopping point. It comes down to reading body language, listening intently, knowing your s type, preparing for how they might be affected, preparing for how you might be effected.
One of the most useful pieces of information gained from the lecture had to do about focusing on breath manipulation to help ground the s type in here and now, relinquishing them from the hold of their past. Breath intentionally, focus on the number of breaths, focus on something that brings you to today, in this moment. What can be especially helpful (if they are alright with it) is to reassuringly touch their back, with gentle pressure, light tapping consistent contact that tells them they are here. They are safe. Of course if they can't handle physical contact when triggered then you must rely on verbal reassurances to bring them into this moment. Allow them to know they are safe, secure, and looked after. That they are loved, respected and it can be useful to tell them how proud you are of them working through this hard thing. Of course there is no guarantee that what we do will bring them out of that triggered moment. It may require stopping the scene, accessing a trained therapist and seeking the professional help that will allow someone to work through the trauma. I have witnessed firsthand the benefits of dealing with a trauma therapist and how immensely helpful they are in working through the issues that can plague someone who has experienced trauma.
There is no easy way forward, and actively choosing to press into this space requires immense patience. It requires immense support, understanding, care, and devotion to be willing to work through these spaces. I hope to vastly improve my ability to help navigate these spaces. I want to rewrite the narrative that has held back this beautiful woman who loves me. I require that she trust me enough to walk through this space with me. It will be hard, but the results and how much farther ahead we will be is worth the risk. I don't believe that playing in trauma should ever be done over long distance, so this is a space that I get to take the time I have while we exist in LDR to improve my knowledge, to improve my patience, to improve my communication, to improve the necessary skillsets that are required to be the man she needs to help her safely walk through these places. I'm excited over the aspect of working in these spaces, I'm excited for the future. For the potential. For all I see within her, and how best to coax those aspects and help her find ways to bring them to the surface.
I deeply believe that BDSM can heal trauma. I am going to dedicate a portion of my understanding, effort and energy in mastering how to assist in healing trauma through different scenes. This is important to me. I see value in being able to navigate these spaces. I see the risks, I see the benefits and I see part of my path forward. Now comes the hard work. Now comes understanding and learning. When the time is right I will put into practice what I am gaining and I am optimistic that the benefits will be tremendous.
Thank you for your time in reading my words today. I hope you find your Will, your path and expend your energy in ways that is aligned with your path forward.
