Hello Cage friends,
I wanted to invite you into a moment of my day. A place where I had some growth, where I learned a lesson about myself. As most places growth doesn't really occur without some catalyst. Today, I had a moment of allowing my past to catch up with me. I experienced a place where fear set in, where old lies that I used to tell myself came screaming back at me. I had some inner turmoil that I was battling. Demons and voices that became startled and upset, that began to rage inside of me and shout such that I wasn't able to focus on anything except the discomfort. But growth is born out of discomfort. I wouldn't have taken a step forward in my journey without first succumbing and battling these voices, this insecurity, this fear, this self doubt.
Allow me to walk you through my day.
I had gotten a call back on Thursday to ask to cover a shift. It was my choice, I got to pick the day. I chose Saturday, as I didn't want to come in that day and I didn't want to interrupt the middle of my weekend. The thing is I'm at the section of my schedule where today is "Monday" (although depending on your time zone and when I actually finish posting this it could very well be Monday) I'm working my 4 night shifts and they start on Sunday. Although I came in yesterday to cover a shift for some coworkers that weren't coming in. As I finished my shift I received a message from my girl. I had just stayed up all night and I was mentally and physically exhausted. In her message she made me aware of a Dominant that had reached out to request a "Get to know you" sort of message. As with any interaction of anyone who reaches out to her, I am made aware of both the message sent and the message received. So she shared with me his message and her response. There was nothing new to this. I've seen her receive these types of messages before, but typically they are uninspired. Typically they are short. Typically they can be written off before you get through the first half of the one sentence that was bothered to be written. Today was not the case. This gentleman was well written, he was succinct, he seemed like a very genuine and interesting person with some things in common with my girl. When I read his message I won't lie, I was overcome with my history of self doubt. I immediately had my mental space shift into thoughts of "seeing value in areas that I didn't posses" and part of seeing the value in others I tend to minimize myself and assume that their version of what they offer is greater, more valuable, and that they are just "better" than I am.
I have existed within these spaces my whole life. Seeing someone else who happens to be good at anything, I would equate that person to being better than I was and completely swallowing any positive actions or contributions that I had. Again, simply minimizing my ability and talent. When these thoughts swarmed me, the passion to which I was responding to my girl was empty and without the usual fervor that I engage in our conversations.
So after some self evaluation I had to message her and explain where I was at. I had to share with her what was going on such that she could know that I was struggling with some inner demons that spoke of my own history. They had nothing to do with her, and I wasn't looking for her reassurance, because I KNOW I have nothing to fear. But fear doesn't abide by logic. Sometimes it bursts through and ignores all thought, it overwhelms and consumes all thought. I have to say though I clearly expressed my position. I worked through why I was feeling, I recognized it was my past speaking to me. I expressed myself openly, transparently and in a very reasonable manner. Honestly I handled myself better than I have ever done so when experiencing these negative thoughts.
Now here's where things get interesting. In bringing up my history, and expressing what I was battling my girl began to have flashes of her history cross her eyes and invade her mind. Fear. It really can become contagious. It can overwhelm and overpower. But in that moment we each had our past speak to us. We each began to work at dealing with our own shit, and as we talked things weren't quite resolved. Although after I was done work I had plenty of time to work through my mental space on my drive home. I turned my music off and focused on where my mind had taken me. I worked through my mental spaces for the most part and I began to shift my mentality into the place of excitement and desire to come home and spend time with my precious Delilah. The thing is l have also since realized why I need to live this lifestyle 24/7 because even after an insane day I find solace, peace, excitement, drive and passion in being able to sit with my girl and explore a scene idea that I've spent small aspects of my day developing. Now, it's not everyday. Somedays I require simple veg state to be achieved once I get home. But there are moments where being able to interact with my girl, to exhibit my Will in her life brings me the relief and allows me the space to relax and unwind from my day. It is significant and important to me, and that is why I need to exist within this space because it helps me find clarity. It helps bring direction and focus into my life. I drive much safer, more intently, when my thoughts are on making it home for her. I can exhibit better driving habits because thinking of getting myself safely to her matters to both of us, and I hold a much keener sense of awareness. I make wiser decisions. She truly makes my life so much better in every single way and I thank God and the Universe multiple times daily that she is in my life.
Now when I got home, as we began talking she made me aware of an infraction that she needed to bring to my attention. During her stress and history rearing it's head in her mind, she coped by stress eating a few pieces of chocolate without my consent. She didn't inquire, she went ahead and made the decision to consume what was saved as a reward and were items that require my permission for her to enjoy. I really had to chuckle though, and I was laughing outright inside my mind. Now, for me I believe any infraction should be met with a course correction or punishment that fits the crime. Of course figuring out what is an appropriate response can be very challenging for me. I constantly wonder if what I ask will be a reasonable counter to the issue and offer the guidance and correction to help shift future actions. The reason I was laughing inside my mind happened to be that everything I had laid out for the scene I desired happened to line up absolutely perfectly with a course correction for her infraction. So after we ate breakfast together and spent time as a family (including dodging some questions about my 3rd most embarrassing memory from her daughter {because we have already discussed #1 and 2} we shared the Valentine's cards her daughter had made for me and my animals) I had to end the call and get some sleep. But we were to meet back in a few hours after I had gotten some sleep, and her daughter had gone to bed so that we might have time alone.
When I woke up, we jumped into a call together and we began to make a little small talk before I instructed her about the scene I had intended. So, this scene was nothing new. We had done each aspect of what my vision was before. (Although there was a variation I threw in that we had never tried before because of the circumstance in the middle of the scene) The critical point I want to make here is this.
INTENTION IS EVERYTHING.
Nothing was inherently different. It was the same request as we have tried previously. The difference though was my mentality, and in so shifting my thought process I was able to pull her into a space that aligned with my desire and thought process. It was meant to be difficult. It was meant to be uncomfortable in moments. Of course though because of some malfunctions in our equipment we had to shift the vision slightly. But the best moment was the fact that instead of getting frustrated that things weren't working properly, we shifted the act to align and keep with the intention. It took creativity, it took flexibility, it took patience to help keep us both in the correct mindset of what we were working on. But instead of becoming overwhelmed we adjusted and kept rolling from one act into the next. Shifting the requests to ensure that we kept from allowing frustration to build. Although I found it really interesting the difference in wording of "Will you" into "You will" and the effect that can have on your scene. It was also comical that we discussed this change in our aftercare when the scene was finished, since during the scene I was contemplating the difference that change would have. We truly are a perfect match for each other, such that we tend to be in each other's minds and just know what the other is thinking more often than I think is normal for people who haven't known each other a year.
There was also another aspect of the interaction that I allowed her to understand that the scene had ended because of specific questions that I asked her about her behaviour in between the reps of tasks I had assigned her. When I speak about ending the scene what I mean is that the punishment had been given, had been properly handled and that it was over and done. It was handled, and she had atoned for her infraction and we don't need to speak on it because it's now a finished thing. Unless of course she makes the same mistake. Then we may have to look at a slightly different punishment in order to help get the point across, but she made it clearly known to me that she understood the lesson when we discussed everything through the aftercare. I have found in my limited experience though that it is very beneficial to break down scenes, course corrections and punishments into segments. Creating space within the actions to let her know we are moving from intention to intention. To signify that "Yes, we are now done with this and moving onto the next phase" and then giving her the closure of saying "It is now finished, and you have atoned". It is about allowing her to move forward without any hesitation because it is no longer a concern and the punishment has been doled out and closure has been achieved.
The fantastic thing about all of this experience. We reached deeper levels of subspace that we have previously visited. I gained a new understanding of myself, we moved through our first punishment without mishap, in a positive and reassuring way, and my girl managed to do all I asked to such a degree of satisfaction that there was not a single negative moment within the scene itself. Born out of fear, self doubt and negativity was turned into a massively positive experience pushing us both past our limits into new territory. New growth has been achieved personally for myself. I even found an aspect of myself that had been hidden to me.
I am a sadist. I acknowledge this. I am still learning this space, but it exists and is apart of who I am. I don't believe that I am a typical sadist though as I do not require a deep need to explore giving pain, nor do I feed off the energy of supplying what my s type needs as a masochist. During my meditation I offered this part of who I am up to the Universe such that it may return to me imparted with more understanding. I believe though that where I exist within the realm of sadomasochism is that I desire *difficult thing* to be accomplished for me. It just so happens that what I require can fall into some intense spaces that cause discomfort. Although it's not my intention to cause discomfort explicitly. I still need to know that the discomfort is fulfilling, useful and positive. I'm not sure what all of this means for me just yet. But I'm learning and I am barely beginning my journey. I have many steps in front of me.
I hope you all have found something interesting and informative in reading my words today. Thank you for your time and energy in existing with me today.
~E
