Hello Cage friends,
It has been a minute.
I have to say I am exceptionally grateful to be where I'm at. I have been dealing with a little bit of frustration at my current situation seeming to have no end in sight. My ex and I have been separated for over a year, but the house, the animals, the finances all seem to be in this interlocked "deal with this, but need that key to move this part, but can't do that because we have to move this first piece, but it's locked from that".
Last night there was finally movement. Things are progressing. That is a massive relief and while the journey forward requires many steps it finally feels as if things are moving in a positive direction which had been stuck for the past year.
Now, I've undergone a drastic shift. I am becoming a new man each day. I'm working on many different aspects and focusing my attention to a wide perspective. I am dabbling in understanding, learning and growth in about 20 some odd different areas. As you can imagine focusing on so many different spaces leaves little time to properly focus those spaces. But right now, I don't need to rush. I can take my time learning little by little the required parts of me.
I had a bit of a breakthrough last night, but truly this all began about a week or so ago.
It began in the dark morning, I had rushed to prepare for work that day. I was driving into town after getting my animals sorted and fed. I had a few ideas in my mind but I realized that any dominants journey requires them to take stock.
There needs to be an evaluation of "Is this where I need to be? Can things be better? What ways can they be better? What ways are they lacking? How do I guide myself, my s type, this situation forward into growth? What things are missing?" On my drive into work I did a heavy evaluation of my needs, what was difficult about my LDR, what aspects had I placed significant weight and how did those things truly satisfy me.
I came to the conclusion that my hand is only so good at relieving my physical desire. I had a bit of terror that perhaps I needed to take stock over the physical dominance I desire. It's not quite what I want because none of it is truly done by me. I can't touch my s type. I can't do more than direct her. The thing is, I see how immensely deliriously happy and fulfilling my girl will be for me. When I get the chance to spend my time within our physical spheres. But now, and for the foreseeable future that's not possible. So my brain did a whole line of thinking. Well if this isn't quite right should I be doing it at all? Is there ANY value in the ways we interact? Do I need to shift my focus from physical dominance into mental or emotional dominance? Am I existing in those mental and emotional spaces enough? Are they lacking?
The funny thing is I felt to some degree they were. I wasnt being emotional enough, I wasn't gaining enough control, I wasn't exhibiting enough of my influence, I just wasn't where I thought I could be. Flash forward to the end of the day, after being stressed worried and in my head I finally spoke with my girl. I went through where I was at. I expressed my concerns. I straight up kind of said "You don't satisfy me". I could have been more tactful. I could have been more kind in my approach. I also wasn't explaining the process of where I was, what I had been going over and over in my mind.
But when I expressed my vulnerability something miraculous happened. My precious Delilah, she broke down into tears. She was handling her own demons, her own internal strife. Her own triggers and past history rearing its head in a space and moment she has walked so many times before and gotten chewed out, walked over and walked out on. She broke down and I felt terrible. I felt awful, and like I had expressed myself wrong. I had put so much focus and attention into this all day long, and I had done it wrong.
It wasn't wrong.
It was necessary. It was required for growth.
She was overwhelmed because she cares. She was emotional because she felt she was failing me. She was a little frustrated and sharing her vulnerability in her own way. She was being open. She was being honest. She was being transparent. What her tears were saying is "I love you." She was expressing that her desire to be exactly what I need, to fulfill, satisfy, bring peace, joy and betterment into my life had become her failure. She felt like she had let me down, and her soul couldn't bear the weight of that failure on her shoulders. It was absolutely overwhelming.
Now I have realized there are happy tears. But in my mind most often tears and crying is associated with negative, with bad, with not fun, unpleasant grossness. I rush to this idea that "You shouldn't cry, you should be happy and smiling and laughing all the time." That's absolute crap. When someone significant in your life tells you that things may not be fully right, if that dynamic matters, if that interaction matters, if that relationship matters IT SHOULD HURT. There should be tears, but they aren't inherently bad. It's about moving into a place of understanding that emotions aren't good or bad, they are simply expression. It's GOOD to express yourself. It's required. It takes patient listening though, to understand what is truly being said. It's about listening for the small clues, for the signs of what's really being communicated in that moment. It also takes bravery to face those places, and continue in your own expression of honest open dialogue. To not shut down. To ask more questions, clarify more, explain where you are and where you hope to go.
Now, we weren't finished in our talk. My s type even went to the effort of finding some literature from a professional Dom who spoke about mental dominance. Because guess what???? I felt like I should be more, or doing something better or trying harder. Little did I realize in all the ways I was truly being dominant mentally. It took getting more educated, redefining my definition and looking honestly at my actions and identifying where and how I in fact do these things, and do them daily. I was so worried over not being enough, not doing more. The thing is LDR is radically different than IRL. You have to set different standards because safety is a thing. You need to approach things slightly differently because you aren't there to help your s type get in or out of bondage. The limitations of what should and can be done safely, and where the onus of responsibility falls is quite different. All of this impacts different aspects. Each little piece adding weight to the whole process.
So shift to last night.
Part of LDR is the anticipation. Getting excited for the idea of meeting and spending time with this P/person you've come to understand. This anticipation can turn foul though if you let it. Waiting can become a burden. Especially if the time you will get to meet is months or years down the line. That joy of anticipation can turn into frustration. So how do you combat that?
Personally I believe it's because you need to set the correct mentality regarding the situation. I can't and have to wait patiently to exist in my P/person's physical presence. This is greatly important to me and one of the reasons I could not manage LDR indefinitely. But it's a time frame. Eventually LDR will transition into real daily life. So how do I make the most of this time right now? By placing intention around my required necessities. It is in the act of cleaning my house, to prepare for my girls arrival. It is creating routines such that I can fulfill my immediate needs. It is looking after my animals such that my girl will be welcomed home, instead of chased away. It's about learning what I need to understand. It's about understanding that when my girl focuses on her work, or her daughter that she is in FACT SERVING ME. She requires to earn a living so she can best look after her own well being. She needs to provide stability, security, food, guidance, protection to her daughter. But these things, her work (which pays and provides for her) and her daughter (which is extremely important to her) become extensions of me, my Will, and my need. In cooking a healthy dinner, in the exercise done, in the time spent growing and expanding her daughters mind, ALL of these aspects are her doing what is required to take care of MY property. The thing is I need to focus on the same for myself.
I speak about wishing to heal. To use BDSM to grow the transformation of past negative trauma into healthy creative new experiences which rewrite history. Part of that is understanding the physical body. Part of that requires finding knowledge such that when I actually speak about a topic I have understanding as a guiding principle. Otherwise I'm talking out of my ass.
We as humans are such unique creatures. Our bodies take in different substances, react to stimuli differently, process differently. Each one of us holds our own history, our own challenges, our own lens and perspective. It's about managing what is difficult for us. It's about recognizing our strengths and weaknesses. It's understanding how our awareness guides and drives the physical embodiment of who we are. We are our own consciousness, driving our own unique vehicle. With its dings and dents, the way you have to shift gears backwards such to move forward. We fight and struggle against those things, and no one else can argue we are driving our body wrong because they have no idea what we handle or deal with on a daily basis. It's recognizing what innate skills and talents exist within our DNA. It's about learning how to drive us forward. About creating processes that work for us, give us fuel, get us from A to B.
I am learning I can be something of an idiot savant when it comes to the lifestyle. I have a natural ability to do things in very insightful ways, that are in line with responsible core practices to BDSM. Small things that just come to me, with no clue why I'm deciding to do it that particular way but when doing further research or learning coming to understand from a more experienced point of view why that was positive and good. I have immense potential, and as more pieces are falling into place I am learning more and more what I am capable of.
I hope you take a lesson from where I've walked. I hope you can see the beauty of what the lifestyle can offer. What makes it so appealing, so attractive, so powerful. I'm excited for my future, I'm happy where I am, but I'm going to actively walk forward. Growing my skill, my knowledge, my ability. I am going to sort my life and get back to exactly where I need to be. I will allow tears to help create spaces for significant growth. I will allow emotions their place. I will forge myself into the best version of who I am, and help those who choose me to do the same.
Thank you for your time, thank you for reading my words. I hope it inspires growth in your own journey.
