*Let's pretend there is an image here that says "A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor", or you could look at the pretty image on this blog's twin.*
This blog is a collaborative work. My words are in orange. Faith's are in teal.
Hello Cage friends,
It has been a ridiculously long time since I have been active. I have honestly felt completely emotionally overwhelmed due to the current life situations. Events led me to isolate myself, to shut down from friends, from events, from existing except from my job and my person. I had been feeling lost in many senses, lost in myself, lost in D/s, lost in an emotional maelstrom that left me scattered and adrift in my own internal insanity.
Fortunately with some space, with opportunities and once again finding the courage to reach out to friends that matter in my life I regained some confidence, stability and safety in feeling like I am able to interact and be free to be myself.
Faith had written a blog some days ago about how an event had occurred in her life, and how it had created instability in her experience. How she had been unsettled. Lost. The thing was I was feeling the exact same way. I was feeling identically to her but I had not identified those aspects of unsettled, uncertain, and lost feelings within myself. It wasn't until we had a hard discussion in moments leading up to a scene, through our debrief that all of this became crystal clear to both of us how off balance we had been. How tilted and off centre our dynamic had been. Simply because at the end of the scene we were able to find balance, and it wasn't until regaining our balance did I realize that we had even been wobbling. That **I** had been wobbling and unstable. That **I** had helped cause part of the imbalance in our dynamic. So we came up with a wonderful idea. We were going to write about it together. From my perspective and hers. It's about being cohesive together and we thought it might be an instructive moment for those who have witnessed our journey to see from both perspectives and how this all came about and impacted each of us.
Aloha, so a few days ago I wrote a blog and then I did something I never do. I took it down. I did not do so because I feel there is no value in what I wrote. I did not do so because I wish to hide from what I wrote. I did so, because I feel like there is a more productive and helpful way i could present the same information. I also did so because there was a lot that went on after writing it that helped me to see my writing in a new light.
When I sat down to write the other day I even stated that I wasnt sure why I was. I didn’t know what I hoped to gain. I was grasping at straws. I expressed feeling out of touch with myself. I expressed having a hard time finding my “kneel.” I had gone through a circumstance that rocked me to my core and made me feel invaded. The thing is, I was off balance internally long before that situation. I just didn’t know how to say it.
When I was a kid and used to hang out at the beach we would say that waves came in threes… a baby, a momma, and a daddy and the third was always the biggest. The last few weeks have really felt like that and I’ve been treading water, or so I thought.
After writing my last blog a certain really smart Dominant went out of his way to write a very insightful comment to remind me that my Person deserves all of me, my good, my scared, my out of control, my fear, my insecurity as much as my put together, loving self. He was right. However I didnt feel like I’d been “hiding” any of what I was going through or feeling from my Person…. Honestly I was hiding it from myself.
Thing is, it turns out I do now know the reason I wrote that blog… it was a cry for help. It was me desperately reaching out to my Person to say the things I didn’t know how to put into words. I didn’t know how to tell him how lost I felt. How hard it had been for me in the weeks leading up. I didn’t know what to do anymore and when I feel like that, what I do is write.
I wish I could tell you that finding O/our feet again was easy or painless… it really wasn’t, but it was very much needed. On the other side is the peace, joy, comfort, and love that W/we both so desperately needed.
A running dialogue:
Daddy… you say you were feeling out of sorts, and it only became clear after we regained our footing. You also said that you feel you had a part to play in allowing it to get to that place. Can you explain that?
It began with a lot of external stuff happening in my life. For the most part I feel like I'm "put together". I have my ducks in a row, or so I try to convince myself. The thing is, external strife caused internal emotional turmoil which resulted in being unmotivated, undesiring to reach out. I stopped actively trying to spend time with my friends at events like karaoke, or meditation. I stopped showing up, reaching out and I began to hide. I hid myself from the community that I've come to love, I hid myself from friends, I even hid myself from me. I didn't want to do the simple necessary things required to be a living human. I became a couch potato. I just wanted to stay relaxed, stay calm, stay neutral. I didn't want extra bother, hassle, or any extra stress. So I stopped doing or driving to do anything. This had another side effect. My lovely girl took it upon herself to move things forward. In some sense she began directing us, because I had stopped doing my job. I had forsaken my responsibility. It was in small things, and small ways simple things that I would have made the decision to do anyways. "Let's watch a movie together" or "let's do some work work". The thing was I was so unmotivated, I was so distraught I wasn't forming the effort to drive those decisions. I was simply spinning in circles, and by neglect I was allowing the balance in O/our dynamic to shift.
Thank you for explaining. I am grateful that you did not hide from me, Daddy. I never ever felt like you did. I knew You were struggling, reasonably so. You have and had SO MUCH going on. I was struggling to know how best to support You. <3
Daddy you mentioned that I was helping to move things forward in the absence of your motivation, by suggesting the things you would have done so anyway, and W/we have discussed that You know I did this out of love and care and a desire to be helpful…. But the biggest problem was in my wording, As hard as this is, I think it would be fair to put this out there…. One of the things that was the hardest for me to hear was how my well intentioned actions made you feel. Would You like to explain what I mean?
In many senses it was a switching of roles. I was not being dominant, I was not leading. I was not driving our focus, or pressing us into growth. The biggest issue though was the fact that I didn't bring these issues up. I have always been a bit of a pushover. I have struggled with the concept of "I am allowed to feel *insert emotion*" (specifically negative emotions) I struggle with the concept of being able to feel disappointed, angry, upset, hurt. Especially when I have caused an event by my choices where someone else has every right to feel upset with my actions. In those cases I would always logic inside my brain "Sure, I'm pissed but they are upset because I did X. So I can't be pissed" All of this is to say, I wasn't comfortable expressing when things weren't *quite right*. When I felt like my toes were being stepped on as a dominant. Like I had not taken responsibility, and in many ways I was letting my girl down. I wasn't there to be supportive. I wasn't in control. I felt disrespected. I felt insecure. I felt like a failure.
I’ve said it to you privately, but I’m going to say it here…. Hearing that you felt that way is *incredibly* difficult for me to bear. I’m so terribly sorry that my actions contributed to you feeling that way. I’m so grateful that you told me, and gave me an opportunity to “fix it” and right myself. I’m mostly glad that you felt safe enough in O/our relationship to find the words to speak those negative realities and negative emotions and know that W/we would walk through those places together. That i would hear you, and do differently. Please forgive me for my actions which led to those feelings, I am truly and honestly sorry.
So you see O/our dilemma, you can tell where and how this was causing a shift in the balance of O/our dynamic. You can see all the ways that this, if it continued on this way, might have caused a complete collapse of O/our dynamic and what W/we have been spending O/our time building. Now, how did W/we right this ship? What did W/we do to work towards improving and stabilizing the issue? It began with honesty. It began with me expressing my emotions, my feelings. There had been a few moments at work and in my life that perpetuated the uneasy feelings. I was honestly lost and it took admitting this openly to begin a dialogue that would work towards improving and repairing the damage done to O/our dynamic. I explained how just moments ago I had asked something of my Delilah. She is currently fasting for Ramadan and part of our routine is eating together when it's the appropriate time in the evening. I had taken way too long preparing my dinner, she had finished making her meal, and I was late in being ready for iftar. Faith had mentioned to me that she had been feeling woozy, nauseous, and many forms of weak and ill. I requested her to eat because I was upset with myself that I was unprepared and she had been suffering. The manner in which she said "No" was defiant, disrespectful, and a complete challenge to my authority. I felt shaken. I had a hard time being able to express my unease. It was not meant as defiant, it was simply meant to express her desire to sit and eat together with me. I knew she wasn't intentionally denying me, it was about being able to spend quality time together. I had to work through my doubts, my fears, my demons about expressing *negative thing* to important person. I had to walk into my negativity and accept that I am allowed to feel crappy. I'm allowed to be angry, I'm allowed to be hurt, I'm allowed to be honest about my emotions. Even when they are not positive because they are real, authentic and true to me. So W/we had a difficult and lengthy conversation. I brought situations to light where I had felt things had gone over the line of O/our established dynamic. Where I had felt like I hadn't been commanding the situation, the direction W/we were supposed to be heading. The issue was I wasn't honest *in those moments* and each time I didn't stand up and voice my concerns, voice my view of how things were sliding that they were allowed even more traction to knock U/us off balance. By remaining silent, I allowed damage to come to O/our dynamic. Partly because I put the immediate well being of my girl over the long term well being of O/our dynamic. I wanted to spare her the hurt of knowing something had been done wrong, but that's a fast way to destroy what W/we have been building.
The point of all of this, it takes constant work to create a thriving, full, living and exciting dynamic. It's not something that can lazily be sat next to and have it succeed. It takes diligent effort and work from all sides to have something be successful. It's not just that I let my girl down. It's not just that I didn't voice my opinions and thoughts. It's that I wasn't able to identify in myself when things weren't right with me. I had to accept some hard truths about my actions, my choices, my behaviours that led U/us into this situation. I needed to take responsibility for U/us and I had to act accordingly. That began with brutal open, transparent and honest dialogue. It's not the easy path, but it's the one that must be walked if you wish for any dynamic to thrive.
I think the most interestingly helpful thing about all of this interaction was that immediately before this *hard conversation* You had been explaining to me about the things at work which had been frustrating You. You had been *off* the night before and I knew You were agitated, but why, I had no clue. THAT agitation had nothing to do with me, and You are incredibly good at keeping work at work and home at home. Thank You. However, it was just a piling up for You. So in explaining this You expressed to me exactly what You did here: that when you listen to someone else’s feelings many times You then dont give Yourself permission to *feel*. You acknowledge and respect their right to feel the way they do, but don’t then give Yourself the same respect. In a way it invalidates and disrespects YOU. So when allllll this can of worms got opened. (Thank You for acknowledging that i was NOT trying to be defiant or disrespectful…. At all, really i wasnt. I was trying to voice that I could wait. That it was *important* and had always been important to eat together. I was trying to voice my willingness to wait just 10 or 15 more minutes that i was capable, because I knew it mattered to You.) But in the end my intention was not how it was received. So I endeavored to NOT do what You typically experience. I endeavored to not do what I have been known to do in the past. Instead of insisting on my *intentions* rather I listened to Your feelings. I found out, in the process, that You know me well enough to already have known my intentions and already have known all that was in my heart. I didnt need to be “defensive” or explain myself. All I needed to do in that moment was listen to Your feelings, and how my actions had affected You. It was really hard to do, but at the same time I was massively proud of You for being able to actually voice them despite them being “negative.” I know how hard that was for You. In the end, this conversation, the honesty, the tears and the apology ended up “righting” both of U/us.
Running dialogue #2:
I want to first acknowledge how impactful this entire situation was, past the tears I felt like a new man. I felt whole, I felt balanced, I felt so much more peace and comfort. I felt at ease and back *home*. I would like to hear how you felt after our discussion, after the hard moments and how you felt once we had gone through the apology?
Similarly, I felt balanced. I felt like the internal spin which I couldnt stop had finally abated. I felt like I was *me* and exactly where I should be. To have You say that You needed to step back up and take responsibility for O/our direction was a tremendous weight off my shoulders that I’d not really allowed myself to acknowledge I was carrying. I had framed it for myself as being motivational…. Because You had previously been grateful to me for that exact thing…. But I hadn’t really acknowledged how much weight that was. Additionally, it brought back all of the positive things about O/our relationship and O/our dynamic. I always respect You, but in those moments I respected You even more. I always love You, but in those moments I loved You more still. It was a relief to say the least. It also brought up again the question for me of whether I’m an emotional masochist, or whether this is just me finding my kneel again and peace in my submissive soul. I know it also brought to Your mind some questions along the same lines.
I am deeply grateful for your spirit, for your soul and how you help motivate me. It's not a question of function but the manner in which it's approached. The words used, whether it's an acknowledgment of authority and a request for *activity*. It's using interrogative sentences as opposed to imperative sentences. This can go a long way to helping maintain the order of the dynamic and ensuring that W/we do not succumb into the same pitfalls.
Daddy, if there is a silver lining here, what do You think it would be? And as one follow up, if You had any advice about all this, what might it be?
The silver lining in this entire situation is that there is tremendous relief when you walk through difficult and trying circumstances. It is a simple thing and yet very challenging to do so. Not only that, but there is an opportunity to learn more about yourself in these difficult moments. I had a very clear understanding of my nature when I had you kneeling in front of me. You were genuinely, authentically apologetic and the manner in which your heart hurt, the profound way in which you needed to share your remorse over the things you had unknowingly done moved me into a much deeper understanding of who I am. I saw a clear part of my nature, of part of why I am a sadist. It was a defining moment for me, and created a deeper understanding of myself and who I am as a dominant. It’s not that I ever desire to see you cry arbitrarily, but when you do for a reason, it is deeply impactful.
My advice is fairly simple. Be honest to who you are. Be confident and willing to voice your concerns. Be able to express yourself. Take care to choose your actions, choose honesty, choose to have integrity for yourself. Choose your actions with care, choose your words with care but do not be afraid to voice the hurt, the pain, the discomfort you feel. Walking through these difficult emotions will lead you to greener pastures if you and your partner are willing to work through the issues.
I am deeply grateful that I have one who allows me to be open, to allow me to walk into my negativity and allow me room to express it. I have freedom, joy and light in my life because of my Delilah. I could not ask for a more willing partner who simply sees all of me and accepts it. Even when in my dark, agitated, and unfun spaces. You still kneel beside me, you still trust me when I am off centre. You still place your faith in me always. You are needed. The ways you love are needed. You are vastly important and necessary. I love you, my Delilah.
~E
