Hello Cage friends,
If youve been paying attention you will notice I havent been participating much within this community lately. I have been self centered, or as I prefer to term it self focused lately. There have been so many wonderful amazing moments in my life, and yet I have also been trying to manage the stress, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression and worry that exists in my life.
I just recently turned 30. In many ways it was just another day, yet I have been trying to make it a turning point in my life. I have just finished my vacation and today is the second day back to work. It has been challenging coming back into work, it seems the more time away I have from my job the more difficult it is to step back here. Especially that first day. Part of the reason walking back into my work space is so challenging is because my work is going through radical changes right now. The beginning of August marks the shift into the new structure of our entire department. People are no longer doing the job they have been for the last 10, 15 or 20 years. Management has upset nearly our entire work force, morale has never been lower, and everyone is on edge, upset, frustrated or stressed. Whats going to change? Will I still hold this position? Work this shift? Will my work partner change? What and how will things be different? Will my roles and responsibilities transform? Coming back into this space has been a challenge. I feel numb. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I see the quality of my work has diminished in areas. I dont have as much patience with the customers I interact with. I am much less motivated. These things impact me. When I act with less integrity, with less compassion, with less care each one of these things hits me harder because I am failing in new ways that previously Ive had great success. Dont get me wrong I'm still good at my job, but it now requires more effort, more energy, more motivation to reach the same level of quality that I did attain a year ago.
Lately I have been asking myself the question "What is it I want to accomplish by my hand?" The premise of this line of questioning ultimately comes down to "What do I want/need to spend my time doing?" I choose how to act in each moment. I choose how and where my hands work. I have always found I enjoy paper and pen. I like working with my hands. I prefer to make a dough with a whisk and my hands rather than a machine. I prefer to wash my dishes by hand rather than the dish washer. I like the concept of using my hands to accomplish visible task in front of me. But I am putting my hands to their best use? Am I making the right decisions for me, for those in my life? Am I using my time wisely? Many times there is this internal voice screaming at me that I'm doing it all wrong. That I'm making mistakes. That I'm nothing but a failure, even when I can see steps in progress. That those steps are meaningless, that I have no value, worth or anything important to say. Addressing this voice is challenging. Because each time I make progress it still manages to poke me and glaringly focus my attention on what Ive done wrong. Where Ive missed the mark. Even when Ive hit the bullseye.
One way Ive been working in my life is to recognize that the many tasks on my plate will not be accomplished in a single day. There is simply too much work to do. From the house, to the animals, to my job, to my personal life, and all the ways life happens. So I have given up on fixing and finishing anything within a day. Its not about spending 4 hours on a single task to "just get it done". For me that doesnt work. I struggle to find the motivation to work that way in my personal life. I have found a modicum of success in acknowledging that my hands work best when I take 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 5 minutes or maybe half an hour to work towards accomplishing this goal today. Then move onto the next item on the list and give it 2 minutes, 3 minutes or simply whatever I can manage today. I have what feels like a never ending supply of *tasks to accomplish*, and I feel like I am unable to work through them all. So I do what I can to put just a few minutes towards making progress this day, in this moment. If I create consistent routines of managing each task a little each day, eventually I will reach a point where all of the "to do" will become "now done". It all comes down to consistency. The biggest issue with this method exists if you do not accomplish these tasks consistently. If you let something slip for a day, or two or a week when you begin to try and make progress then you need to spend more than half an hour just to make up the lost progress from neglecting that task the last week. A perfect example for me are my dishes. Ive begun to enjoy cooking more readily, trying to improve my skill and ability within the kitchen. Trying more complicated recipes, more intensive and challenging dishes. This has been fun and satisfying especially when I create something delicious. But I can make so many dishes when I try something new. If I havent kept up with my dishes for a weeks time then it can take me hours to clean up my space. If I spent just 2 minutes washing dishes I would never get ahead and my kitchen would never become clean. The thing is it becomes my choice not to do dishes (whether its for legitimate reasons or laziness or what ever the reason is I didnt wash dishes today) and when we choose to ignore a task it becomes that much more challenging to overcome the neglect.
The longer we neglect something the larger an obstacle it becomes. Neglect can turn a molehill into a mountain. Neglect can create problems where none existed before. So where and how do I spend my time so I am not neglecting any one particular task for an extended period of time? Part of that would be organizing the important tasks and arranging everything such that you touch each task at least every couple of days. I'm still working at the organizing part, as its never been my strong suit. For the most part this new system has been fairly successful for me. I am still working at the consistent part and tweaking different ways of where and how I show up but its been reasonable so far. One of the largest issues I face is that I dont follow the consistent effort, although when I manage my blocks of time in short bursts its much easier to remain consistent. I can focus and burst to try tackling a task for a few hours at a time but then I find myself neglecting that task over the next few days or even weeks. Its this mental concept where Ive extended all of my effort towards this thing and have none left over. Focusing on the idea that I just need to keep picking away little by little and work at being productive in the different areas each day is a much more manageable way of life for myself. Its not perfect, and I still struggle but I am finding more consistent success in this approach then "do all the things today".
I found this ^^^ to be quite insightful and based similarly on the concept that I am trying to build in my life.
Now how does all of this (time, effort, diligence, consistency) apply to space? First off you need to identify what space you are referring to. For me I break up space as internal or external. Internal space would be anything from the pain in my elbow, to the thoughts in my head, to the emotions I feel. The internal space of myself. How can I work on my internal space? Well I can dedicate time to meditating everyday (well I have missed the mark on that most days, but its still a priority). I can focus on my mental well being, my emotional well being, my physical well being, my spiritual well being. I can focus by setting goals and working towards them. The easiest to describe would be my goals for my physical well being. I have goals of things I desire to accomplish for me in my journey through calisthenics. If I am to become serious about my physical space then dedicated solid time to this particular goal, breaking it down into exercises and sets of exercise to build strength to accomplish what I ultimately want. In fact Ive recently managed to hold a handstand upright for longer than 10 seconds which I had never accomplished except back in middle school. Its been a long road to mastering my handstand and technically I'm still not there because I cant do it every time consistently yet. But I have managed a time or two to find the balance point and am actively learning how to suspend my body upside down on my own hands. Now, there is one other concept that I wish to apply to space. Its the embodiment and intention behind the physical space that you exist in while accomplishing these goals regarding internal space. So I have a room inside my house. This room exists and yet will serve innumerable ways to me in my life. This single room becomes my gaming room, my meditation room, my work out room, my dungeon, my anything I need it to be. How does this singular space exist in all these capacities? It is the intention that I set within myself before I step through the threshold. If I am about to begin a work out, trying to master my handstand, my L sit, my physical goal for the day I set in my mind exactly how this space will serve me. "This is my workout room, I will exert myself, I will push myself, I will go beyond and master my physical self" then step into the room. I find it helpful to set the intention before walking into the space such that I am more motivated and energized to accomplish my goals. The intention will shift and be altered depending if this is my meditation room, or my relaxation (sit and watch Netflix room), my gaming room, my creative room, my dungeon.
I do have to say though my dungeon is not necessarily a physical space. My dungeon is my girls mind. This is where we start to move into the external space. External space is anything outside of myself. This includes my house and property. My animals. My yard. My vehicle. My dishes. My girl. My girls mind. My girls body. My girls emotions and emotional well being. My girls mental well being. My girls physical well being. My girls spiritual well being. When delving into my property, when handling my external space I again work at setting intentions prior to walking through those spaces. Its in the moment when you set a goal, I will clean these dishes (setting aside the ones you will need to make the next meal in, plus a few extras to make progress towards cleaning the kitchen). Its about having plans for all sorts of fun with your property, and then realizing that something isnt right so shifting the immediate priority and goal to handle the well being of your property. Its about creating a safe space where the ultimate goal is the overall well being of your dynamic, which may have to include adjusting the set intention from sexy fun times to handling negative view of self. Ideally you do this in such a way that there is a completeness to the healing that after youve properly addressed the negative self view both of Y/you can then walk into the sexy fun times with much more vigor and enthusiasm. Of course depending on the severity and intensity if you choose to adjust the intention from sexy fun times to handling the well being of your property you may not be able to walk back into the space of sexy enjoyment. It depends on the way you manage, the issue at hand itself, the toll this disruption has taken on your girls mental well being and how she feels after the corrective process.
The point of all of this is simply this: How you spend your time, how you use your words, how you view your space, how you expend your effort, how you set your intentions, how you exist all matter. We all make choices. We all make decisions in life. Work towards making the best decisions possible for yourself, your dynamic, your girl. Make each moment count and if you miss the mark aim to do better, be better and act better tomorrow. We still have time, but each second is priceless. As time marches forward our lives are shortened bit by bit. We dont know how much time we have been granted. We dont know how long we have left. Make this moment count and if you mess it up, do your best to make it better the next chance you get. It very well may be your last chance.
To those who have taken the time to read my words today I appreciate your participation in my journey. Thank you for your time, I hope you have an excellent day.
