Good brand new morning Cage friends,
When I was a kid I was quite an odd child. I was active, athletic but also a true nerd and geek. There were some areas that I explored that might make your head turn and cock an eyebrow at.
In junior high I had a very busy schedule. Oftentimes I had band practice in the morning before class (yeah I'm talking orchestra playing trumpet type band class - not the cool I'm in a band type badass rocker) especially as the concerts we performed for spring and fall and winter/new year came around. I would go to volleyball practice (or badminton, or track and field or *insert seasonal sport here* practice) after school and during the lunch period is when I had my debate, diplomacy, chemistry club meetups. At one point I had a different club activity every lunch from Monday to Friday and practice and rehearsal before and after school. It was a bit hectic. But each event had its time and place and it kept me busy and out of trouble.
Now if Y/you happen to read Mikayla's blog Y/you will often hear her talk about "learned truths". The general concept is experience will inform U/us with knowledge that shapes O/our future experience for better or worse. Most times learned truths aren't actually true but a circumstance that "proves" a point. Usually more often to the detriment of future experiences.
Just recently I was spending time on My back deck ruminating on past experiences and I had a line of thinking I wanted to share about a personal experience that formed part of My youth. I realized that I had taught Myself a learned truth based on events that were destructive and harmful to My younger self and I struggled for a long time to overcome this obstacle.
*Names have been changed to protect identities as I am unable to gain consent since I don't communicate with those from My junior high*
When I was in junior high I has joined the debate club and we practiced during lunch, learning rules and structure for debate. How to rebuttal and prepare for the pros and cons of each argument because you didnt know which position you might have to argue. Now I had an absolute favourite teacher that was one of the two in charge of debate, Mr. Wylie. He was phenomenal. He challenged us to think outside the box and gave us room to be silly and yet still helped guide us to be thoughtful and thorough.
Eventually after learning the basics and getting to practice during lunches we grasped the concepts and got to put our skills to the test in a debate tournament that would host all of the kids in the club. The teams were formed with 2 kids each and I got partnered up with Mathew. The date was set and we prepared for the first round. We walked through the first round and crushed our opponents. As we battled our way through Matt and I continued to do well and wound up facing off in the final round. We won and claimed the title Master Debaters (yeah silly kids and their juvenile jokes but we all laughed really hard) and as tournament champions had the opportunity to face off against the two teachers who ran the debate club.
So the topic was set: Superman vs Wonder Woman. Matt and I were selected to defend Wonder Woman and prove that she was superior to Superman. We were given time to prepare our defense and tried our best to come up with all the arguments that we needed in order to trounce the teachers and win the ultimate victory.
Now the day finally rolled around and we had done what we could. We gathered in the library with parents, teachers, students and I mean it was junior high debate... The turnout wasn't huge but there was a crowd and we got into it.
All things were going reasonably well until I was finishing off part of our teams argument. It was time for the teachers rebuttal and that was my undoing. Mr. Wylie looked over at me and hit me with a remark that I left me dumbfounded. He thought about the scenario and approached it from an angle that never occured to my underdeveloped brain. He took away the superpowers and looked at it from the human perspective of man vs woman. The clever little idea that I never considered. It was the idea that a woman's hair would take too long to dry after a shower, and that superman never encountered that problem. What could wonder woman do while waiting for her hair to dry? Now I don't remember the manner in which Mr. Wylie framed the remarks. His exact wording has been lost to time, but what I do remember is this.
I absolutely froze.
I was dumbstruck, dumbfounded and like a fish out of water.
Have Y/you ever been in a public setting and had Y/your brain cease functioning? I literally did not have a single remark or come back. I had never considered this type of an attack against my argument and in that moment I was empty.
The immense shame, embarrassment and frustration I felt of being duped and literally incapable of forming any coherent response burned inside my brain. The worst part was I was trapped there. The group of friends, relatives, and strangers in front of me were watching for my response and I had none. I could feel my face blazing as the heat of embarrassment rose to my cheeks. In that moment I was trapped in front of this crowd, I had to respond but I had no words and still my brain could not process what had happened. I felt like every wheel and cog was turning but nothing was coming out. In that moment I suffered complete defeat. I lost the debate for my team. I still had to stand there and form a response. I don't remember what I responded with but it didn't matter. In that moment there wasn't anything I could do and I completely shut down.
Mr. Wylie had waited to the last moment. He knew it was devastating for my argument and it was his ace in the hole. His trump card. It worked seamlessly. I know he had not intended to embarrass me, I know he wasn't trying to hurt my self esteem and as we shook hands he acknowledged that he was sorry to do that to me.
The thing was that experience "taught" me that when I was under pressure and attacked that I would freeze. That I was incapable of fighting back. My young brain internalized the learned truth that under pressure I would crack and fold. That when push came to shove I would crumple and fall down. This experience ingrained in me that "I was a failure", that "I could not handle pressure", that "I cant trust my brain to function" and it destroyed any confidence I had in myself.
Now I already struggled with failing to reach My own expectation of perfection. Even though I appeared confident I was a nervous wreck internally and I struggled with My self confidence and self esteem. This just played deeply into those doubts and fears. It compounded "what I knew to be the truth" about who I was as a person.
If Y/you have read any of My much older blogs from years ago Y/you would know that I struggled with My internal voice that used to scream obscenities at Myself. This was one such experience in My young life that formed some of those patterns of self hatred and self depreciation. I already thought of Myself as lowly, cowardly, incapable, useless. This just proved what I knew about Myself. This just emphasized how much I was right to think so lowly of My skill because I had none. I would crack. I would cave. I would choke.
The thing is I also learned to fear being embarrassed. I hated that helpless feeling. But I didn't take to heart learning how to navigate being embarrassed. O/our emotions can get the best of U/us but they don't make U/us who W/we are. Emotions don't define U/us. Yes they exist within and can shape part of O/our responses to situations but they don't control or make U/us. I can't stop Myself from feeling embarrassed when I make a fool of Myself publicly, but I am now capable of recognizing that My embarrassment is just the response to the situation. It is part of My expression. Learning how to accept the embarrassment and not tie it to My worth as a human or My value as an individual means I can exist freely and without fear. Now I acknowledge I have shifted My perspectives and moved the needle in positive ways for My existence but that doesn't mean I wont still stumble when I encounter My next embarrassing moment. I may yet still struggle in navigating this raw emotion that holds a lot of weight in My life. It isn't a fix, but its just the beginning of learning how to be a better version of Myself. I'm going to stumble. I'm going to fall. I'm going to navigate successfully and spectacularly fumble while moving in spaces of handling My emotions. But I don't hold the weight of making mistakes, making a fool, being dumbfounded so long as I learn from what I have done and take those lessons and work at improving.
I am human. I am a mess. I am imperfect.
But I also strive for excellence in every area of My life. If I can take a lesson and grow and improve from it and become a better man for My own well being and those around Me then that lesson was worth the emotions tied to it. I can let go of the embarrassment and allow it to simply teach and hone what I am capable of.
I am not a failure. I am a work in progress. I am not My emotions, and I will be better today for My future and the future of My household. I will not let fear control or slow My improvement and My ability to grow and develop into the best version of who I was made to be. I am stronger than I believe and more capable than I know. I will have faith in who I am and courage to continue moving forward.
To those who read My words today I thank Y/you. I hope that Y/you may take something from My experience that assists Y/you on the journey Y/you walk, that Y/you find strength, courage and healing today.
Mstr J
