Good Evening Cage friends,
It has been quite some time since I have last written a blog. Today I wanted to share a portion of My life as well as an understanding that I reached recently while engaging in conversation with My slave Mikayla.
Now first some small updates.
At this time next week (less than 7 days) I will be driving Mikayla home from the airport. I know W/we are both anticipating these short 13 days together. There will need to be a blend of how W/we spend O/our time but I have orchestrated a few plans already. The first will be a tour and tasting of a distillery that caught O/our fancy alongside some friends. W/we have date night plans to go risk it big at the Casino (yeah, not quite that big) and to experience winter together. Its the much needed halfway point to surviving the year while managing a long distance dynamic.
Next, would probably be the promotion I had interviewed for. I was found successful and have been in training for the last 2 weeks. I have just finished the second week and am beginning My weekend. It has been going exceptionally well and I have found a lot of growth inside the classroom and with the shadowing I'm doing. This change has altered My schedule so I work different days while finishing My 8 week training program. There have been really interesting modules on communication, writing for business, documentation and note taking, as well as a few other topics. The group of 9 other people in this training program are quite exceptional and Mikayla keeps telling Me "I have found My people".
I have enjoyed these weeks and have already impacted the work environment in positive ways with comments from different friends and co-workers. "You woke us up, and as soon as the supervisor began talking *he slumped down* back to sleep" "You did a great job" "You have a talent for presenting" along with some fist bumps, thumbs up, handshakes and the chance to meet new people. There are 2 days that I shadow and because My work has 2 sets of shifts (red and blue) they transition over from Wednesday to Thursday. The other Forman in training that is working with Me (but learning in a different department) had trouble with her vehicle and wasn't able to get into work. This week at work there was an Operational Meeting which states goals and areas to be aware and changes to practices and process for the entirety of our department. On Wednesday I asked My mentor if there was anything that needed to happen for the meeting. He told me "No". Turns out the foreman leads the safety discussion during these meetings. Needless to say as soon as blue shift got to the safety part of the meeting they tossed me in front of 25 to 30 people from all areas of our department. So on the spot I got to introduce myself and run through the 2 safety topics. Because the other person doing the foreman training was away I also got the chance to go over the safety topic today with red shift. So another 25 to 30 people that I was able to introduce myself to and lead a second discussion on the 2 safety topics.
It was interesting to find that the surprise of having to lead the safety discussion actually allowed Me to remain calm, as I slept from Wednesday into Thursday I thought/contemplated/dreamt and then sat in the meeting knowing I was going to lead the safety meeting and "What was I going to do? What would I say? How would I???..." I just did part of a breathing practice while sitting stretching and readying Myself to lead My part of the meeting. The second day I was nervous, so I spoke more quickly and it was a challenge to slow down and take pauses. Whereas on the first day I found a natural tempo and flow which I felt was superior. I may have to ask the few people in the room that saw both of My presentations to ask them their opinions on the differences between both days. I improved some of the supporting material for the second day relating to the topics, and did manage a solid presentation but I feel like I may have done better in the first presentation. Sometimes a little outside perspective can be illuminating.
There was also the conversation with My slave Mikayla when I got home after the weird Tuesday I had. I had taken My vehicle in for an oil change and found out that My front brakes had metal slice out which meant I needed to repair the rotors and pads and I needed a new battery. Considering the cold and distance I need to travel I spend a lot of kilometers driving on winter highways and roadways, so having a reliable vehicle is essential. I needed to get all the little things taken care of which also meant I had to drop off My vehicle for the day. So I needed a lift into work and luckily My dad was able to pick me up and chauffeur Me back and forth to the mechanics. The bill was exactly what I had anticipated and it just means the progress I had intended to make towards My debt needed to shift to accomodate the charge for the repairs.
As I navigated the roads home I was able to have My slave greet Me upon My arrival. W/we recounted the day and I was able to share all of the experiences from that Tuesday. I had a moment where I got to apologize to someone for a rude joke I had made, and later on a dialogue with another person that I respected for his actions. They wound up both having a conversation with Me later on that day and as I shared My thoughts they both gave Me some of the greatest external validation I had been searching for. As I shared My day and parts of the dialogue during this conversation, Mikayla with her brilliant mind was able to point out some areas of healing I need to work on.
It began a conversation that reached the words "My failsafe is self sabotage".
This is going to take some context.
I have been wanting to write a blog based upon a topic shared by just a small group here a few weeks back. I don't know if it was ever an official challenge on the site and it didn't gain much traction in participation. It was about the concept of "this is the worst part of me". I had been ruminating on the topic for a long time, and had come to a few conclusions.
(Part of the conversation with Mikayla after work was about re-examining My memories/childhood and finding where My need for external validation stems from.)
In the previous weeks I had incidentally been considering My childhood. My relationship with My brother. How I had felt as a younger kid from 7 until I hit My middle/late teens. That was because I was a examining where I struggled and where I had the most room to grow. I wanted to understand the relationship I created with My brother and how to work at improving it now. This is a topic for another day but I just wanted to establish some context for the purpose of creating understanding with the conversation with Mikayla.
At the start of the conversation W/we examined the feelings that had been brought up. Also the way that the interaction with My father had shifted the positivity of where I stood. It has been a longstanding issue and one that I need to take time to look over and evaluate. This is a part of where I need to examine, in order to get to the root of where My need for external validation comes from. As Mikayla was listening to Me, she pointed out "your need for greatness in the future is preventing you from being enough right now" I need to "learn to love your imperfect self right now".
My desire is to build the future. I want to improve day by day and reach new heights of excellence. I don't desire to be perfect as I did as a kid, I desire to become excellent. I wont ever reach perfection but I will reach excellence. I have been so concerned over getting to My future. Being in the future. Getting to the point where I'm free of debt. To the point where I reach the conclusion of My responsibility to My ex-wife. To the point where My slave lives with Me. To when O/our daughter can experience a new life she has never seen before. To travel the world. To experience new foods. To expand My household.
Part of looking towards the future, the potential and what could be was also restricting Myself from truly experiencing the now. Appreciating what I have now. Where I am at. Where My slave is at. There is such a thing as looking too far forward.
Mikayla shared the insight "If you learn to become content (find contentment) in what you have, what comes after will be abundance". If you have all you need then anything that adds to that truly is more than you need. That is abundance.
Now to bring it full circle.
Part of the dialogue I had earlier with the co-workers in the training program was about building My self confidence. That was something I greatly lacked as a small child. I did not believe in My capability. Their comments were about "how they could see Me surpass the current level of foreman" and that "by this time next year it wouldn't surprise me if you were a supervisor". It was shocking. Later that night part of what I realized was that "My lack of faith in My ability (low self esteem) hampered all I tried to accomplish."
I constantly created situations as a kid where I would lose on purpose. I believed that if I didn't try then I never truly lost. If I give up then how could you possibly known if you had won a game? I played against My brother on this Star Wars game on the xbox, and we would fight one on one. I beat him one time and then I "let him win" so that he never beat me while I played My best. Part of why that terrified Me was because "If I give all of My heart and soul into something (put the most effort I can muster) and I lose that is the worst defeat I could imagine" It would shatter My soul.
So I decided to never try. There would always be a reason I "failed". It wasnt because I wasn't capable or good enough. It was because I gave up and never tried in the first place.
I have played all sorts of sports through school from team sports to individual sports. When you exist as part of a team and you happen to be the reason the entire team fails because you weren't good enough to do your job it can be excruiating. Mentally and emotionally demoralizing. Getting pulled out a game because you are doing more harm than good feels terrible. Letting down your teammates, failing your coach. It weighs on you. It can become a burden that restricts how you move.
Part of learning how to love your imperfect self is challenging. Desiring to be more than you are is reasonable, so long as you don't exist solely for the purpose of the future. It takes a balance of focusing right now while looking to the future, instead of focusing on the future while looking at the present. Life was meant to be enjoyed and experienced. Feel right now the good things that can be felt. Appreciate what you have. Move forward with confidence.
This is the Year of Accomplishment and Achievement.
To those that read My words today, I thank you. I hope you take something from My experience and are able to move along your own journey in the ways that are right for you.
Mstr J