I have bled and I have caused others to bleed. I have loved and I have lost and loved again still; and I have shattered a heart. I have cried for my brother and my sister and wept for the world; and I have cursed all that I’ve beheld in blasphemous rage. I have shouted for pure white truth whilst whispering filthy black lies. I have held myself on high in blinded, self righteous pride and I have crawled into the pits of sorrowful and guilt infested despair.
All that I am and all that I will be; imperfect and terrible, humble and wise, good or ill; cultivated the manifestation of my self awareness. Every journey has a beginning and mine began with the simple cry for truth.
“Oh destructive purveyor of lies, come spat your false tales of deeds now past, like angry fists upon stone, until the bloody pulp of truth be smeared across the innocence of ignorance and wisdom prevail.”
The universe had heard and with the resounding voice of fate it harkened the demise of my ignorance. My eyes could finally see the bright and terrible light and my ears finally found understanding in the horrifying wisdom filling the endless void in my mind. Much time would pass still before I came to know the true and full pain of loss.
The scars from that first destruction of my innocence still mar my mind to this day. I won’t speak of the horror that I found except to say if I exist a thousand years I could never cleanse my soul of its stinking, rotten filth. My quest, now forced upon me, had begun even before I knew of its necessity. It is in that context I can say in earnest that my heart was not prepared in any way for that betrayal. I was completely lost and spent the next several years of my young life trying desperately to find a place among my peers and asking all the questions that plagued me.
“Tell me, oh God, the universe, or the evolved and elevated powers that be; why am I here in this place at this time? What is my fate? Is there no lesson to be learned in my suffering? Is it only the whim of a negligent master? Is there a greater purpose for my torment? Or is destiny just a random mistake attached to the idea that we are here for a reason?”
The answers to my cries would remain unanswered for many years. But come they did.