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Bacon, Idolatry and other such Sacrilege.

Sometimes my mind forgets that it’s encased inside my skull.

Ramblings, stories and random absurdity brought to you from the writer of “1001 Uses for Hoarded Toilet Paper” and “I’m Willing to Bet $10 Jesus Christ was from Outer Space” and many other books, papers, and requisition forms you’ve never heard of. Read at your own personal peril, laugh a bit, cringe a lot and visit often!
3 years ago. April 13, 2021 at 2:37 AM

The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

 

Firstly, sorry for my long absence. I wanted to keep on writing nonsense but my kidneys and colon decided that I should just fight for my life instead. So now, after a butt-load of surgery and an ass-ton of drugs (some prescribed, others bought on the Silk Road) I’ve returned to see if this is where I left my car keys.


They aren’t here.

 

But perhaps this is where I left my mind. We shall see.

 

 

4 years ago. June 15, 2020 at 2:12 AM

Sometimes doing what is right is hard because not everyone will be able to understand your reasons. They may think you’re being selfish or mean. Especially if what you’re doing effects them in some way. If you know in your heart that what you’re doing is for the greater good for all parties involved then stick to your guns.

 

They may not understand right away, but one day they will look back and see the good in it or they won’t even remember why they cared at all.

 

Either way that’s a success.

4 years ago. June 8, 2020 at 2:21 AM

Before you get too deeply engrossed in the following piece please bare in mind that absolutely nothing will make sense and no point will become clear in any way, shape or form. The language will vacation in places that normal, well behaved words would never dare to be seen by polite society. They will be “slumming it” so to speak so please do not alert the authorities or attempt to interfere in any way. Avoid making direct eye-contact with some of the more complicated words such as “myocardial infarction” as we have no way of knowing how they will react to such blatant observation. Please, do not touch your screen. There have been rumors of certain flesh-eating grammar running about and we should like to avoid any sort of epidemic. Finally, please remember that if you should ever get lost anywhere within this article you can always find the exit near the period at the end of the last sentence. (Exit)

 


You were warned.

4 years ago. June 5, 2020 at 12:42 PM

I can only describe this sensation from a male perspective, but I can assure you, ladies, that the same things that turn you on knowing you’ve been inseminated, possibly impregnated, are very similar to the primal pleasures we as men experience knowing that exact same thing.

It’s a very satisfying feeling to know that you’ve completed your most basic and necessary task to ensure the survival of your species. It goes far beyond the simplicity of the act itself. The orgasm and all the other subsequent pleasures are only half of the equation. As a man its mostly about claiming a healthy and fertile female as the vessel in which to plant my seed and knowing that my line will continue through the mixing of my genetic material with hers…bonding and combining us both forever in the resulting offspring.

4 years ago. June 5, 2020 at 12:22 AM

The following story is only fiction. None of the characters or situations are based on actual persons or events. Any similarity between these and real individuals or events is unintentional. Some of the subject matter may be triggering for survivors of sexual assault. Sensitive subject matter includes rape, torture, violence, humiliation, psychological trauma, forced chemical dependency, forced impregnation, body modification/transformation and beastiality. Reader assumes any liability beyond this warning.


Chapter 11: Peanut Butter

 


The next several days were spent planning, organizing and then carrying out all of the various and necessary tasks associated with the containment of the “Esther” incident and putting in place a few new preventive measures to eliminate any future risks of exposure.

 


During this time my routine proclivities were limited to the simple feeding and hosing-down of my captives. In Esther’s case, since she had not yet regained consciousness after nearly three days of raspy breathing, it was only a matter of changing out her saline bag every few hours and spraying away the urine that pooled on the floor beneath her ass. I knew it wouldn’t be much longer until her body would need more than just simple hydration and I had no idea of when or how to address her need for further sustenance. I decided that I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.

 


In the meantime, my first order of business was the immediate disposal of both Bianca and Esther’s cars. I’ll admit this proved to be a much more difficult challenge than I could have ever imagined. It wasn’t enough to just drive them to a remote parking lot or abandon them in some heavily forested area. If the cars were eventually found it would almost certainly add fuel to any investigations that may already be in progress. Any such discovery may not have led authorities directly back to my barn but with an air of suspicion in the area it would certainly make my comings and goings much more difficult. Both vehicles would need to disappear forever with absolutely no chance of ever being discovered.

 


To that end, I decided that the only way I could make them both disappear without any outside assistance would be to bury both vehicles somewhere on my 37 acre plot. My paranoia had become so strong by then that even this, I felt, should be done by hand instead of renting heavy equipment which would have completed the job much faster and with much less effort. As it was, I spent a few hours every night over the next several weeks digging a grave large enough to bury two mid sized sedans ten feet under the frigidly cold and impossibly hardened ground with nothing more than a shovel, a pick axe and a wheel barrow.

 


God, may they both Rest In Peace forevermore.

 


When I wasn’t busy digging or sleeping off my many labors, Bianca, Ashley, Pepper and now Esther, still required my constant upkeep and given the current state of my frustrations over damage control, I was more inclined than ever to see to every sadistic detail.

 


It was on the ninth day after Esther’s severe beating that she finally began to show signs of life beyond unconscious breathing. It started with small movements in her extremities that later graduated into full body spasms followed by a series of soft, unintelligible verbalizations which sounded almost like a young child trying to learn how to speak. During her initial rousing I removed her blindfold and all but the shackles on her ankles. I decided at that time that a small, terribly starved and weakened female would be of very little threat to me or my work.

 


She finally opened her eyes on the tenth day and, to my surprise, did not react in any notable way toward me or any of her surroundings. Her consciousness was only apparent in the way she curiously looked around the room as if trying to remember what things were or perhaps what they were used for. As she gradually came around I prepared a sizable portion of food for her consumption. At this point she had not eaten in well over a week and I was quite sure she would need the sustenance. When I presented it before her she needed very little coaxing and once her instinctual hunger kicked in she devoured every last morsel, even licking the dish to a shining gleam. Once her belly was satisfactorily filled she collapsed back onto the floor into a deep and silent sleep for several more hours.

 


Over the next couple of weeks it became clearly evident that Esther had not made it through her ordeal with all her faculties completely intact. How much or how little she had retained was not made apparent for several more days but in the end I came to the conclusion that while she still possessed most of her motor functions, her intellect and especially her memories were almost non-existent. She behaved as a young child with very little vocabulary and no ability to grasp any concept beyond the very basic. Still, I kept her chained in her corner to keep her from hurting herself or interfering with my work. She enjoyed the company of Pepper and, in turn, he seemed to enjoy her attention as well so I allowed their friendship to blossom.

 


The most interesting aspect of their bond was the way that Esther seemed to follow Pepper’s lead in everything. It was as if she thought of herself as his equal and was trying to learn how to “dog” from her chosen alpha. Aside from her very human legs, massive tits and lack of fangs I thought she was doing a fantastic job of mimicking a little shepherd bitch so I decided to assist in her “training” in any way I could. On a subsequent supply run I stopped by a pet supply store and bought both of them a thick leather, spike studded collar and long chained leash. It was the only attire I would ever allow her to wear from then on.

 


During the first few weeks after Esther’s “resurrection” I kept a very watchful eye on her as I was still unsure if she would regain her memories but in time it became clear that she would never pose a threat to anyone ever again. I find it fascinating that when you take away everything that comes together to create an individual human personality the only thing you have left is a simple minded animal who, for the most part, doesn’t wish an ounce of animosity toward anyone or anything. For all intents and purpose, Esther was now just a sweet little puppy-girl who’s only real concerns were with her next feeding and gaining the acceptance of myself and a German shepherd puppy.

 


After a time, I swapped out the shackles around her ankles for a long chain locked to the collar around her neck. This allowed her, in a limited extent, to move around the room and explore. Anytime she would approach Ashley or Bianca I would tell her “no” in a stern voice and most of the time she would run back to her corner. If she persisted I’d raise my hand to strike her which almost always resulted in her dropping to the ground and pissing herself.

 


Have I mentioned how much I love memory responses?

 


Even without an ounce of her former self rattling around in her brain her subconscious mind was still able to retain a deeply seeded fear of my brutality.

 


_____________________________________

 


Esther made such a sweet puppy that one could not help but to enjoy her presence.

 


What was very recently the source of an incredible inconvenience was now quickly becoming one of my favorite unintentional victories. She was quickly becoming my favorite human pet and I have to admit I found myself spoiling her quite a bit.

 


Anytime I brought food for my personal consumption I’d always tear bits and pieces off to feed them as a treat. They both especially seemed to enjoy my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I found it amusing to see them attempting to lick the sticky peanut butter from the roofs of their mouths, more so in Esther’s case because while she possessed the fingers with which to reach in and scrape it away she hadn’t the intellectual wherewithal to do so.

 


Oftentimes Pepper would observe her dilemma and would eagerly offer assistance by way of basically tongue kissing her in an attempt to lick the peanut butter directly from the roof of her mouth. Dogs are fantastically loyal and ultimately helpful creatures but I believe this act had more to do with his affinity for Skippy peanut butter than any concern for her predicament.

 


It was while observing one such occasion that I developed a rather deviant little idea. It stood to reason that Pepper, with his strong affinity for peanut butter, might be inclined to lick the creamy substance from other areas on Esther’s person; a theory indeed.

 


The first instance of “peanut butter play” started out innocently enough. I had made two sandwiches the night before using extra peanut butter and then placed them in the refrigerator over night to make the already velcro-like-substance even more sticky. The next morning I brought both sandwiches and an entire jar of Skippy down into the basement and placed them on my desk. I retrieved Esther’s dog bowl and proceeded to tear the sandwiches up into large bite sized pieces and placed them in the bowl. I walked over to where Esther was sleeping and fastened her leash to her collar. It only took a few gentle tugs to wake her up. I then went to Pepper’s cage, pulled off the cover and opened the door allowing him to dodge out and attempt to tackle me. After he had satisfactorily covered my face and hands in doggy saliva he ran over to his friend and began giving her a very similar greeting. After a moment or two, I took the bowl to where they were now settling into their normal playful affections and placed it on the floor between them. Pepper immediately dove in snout first followed very quickly by Esther. For several seconds all that could be heard was the sound of them both scarfing down their treat but after a minute Esther’s head pulled back as she struggled to tongue-scrape the peanut butter from the roof of her mouth. One of the most amusing quirks about her was the way that her eyes rolled back as she struggled to do so without the use of her hands. Very soon into the process, Pepper’s long tongue joined in the effort as his large, front puppy-paws came to rest on Esther’s clavicle. While he was distracted, I grabbed the jar of Skippy, unscrewed the lid and scooped out a large gob of peanut butter with my hand. I waited for Pepper to notice this and then turn his attention toward me at which point I allowed him to begin licking it from my fingers. As he licked, I slowly moved my hand toward Esther’s exposed thigh where I smeared it just a few millimeters from her bare sex. Esther, who had still been busy with the roof of her mouth, paused to look down at Pepper who was now engaged in licking the sensitive area near her cunt with considerable interest.

 


At first she tried to push him away but I told her “No” very sternly and she cowered back allowing him to continue.

 


“That’s my good boy” I told him. “You like that don’t ya boy?”

 


Pepper was far too engaged in his “treat” to acknowledge me with even the slightest tail wag. I took a larger scoop from the jar and smeared it just above her clit wiping it downward across her folds. Again she jumped up but I raised my hand and gave her a very cold glance. She cowered at this and even produced a small dog-like whimper. I also noticed the smallest amount of urine trickling from her cunt down to her thigh. Her subconscious fear of me was far more intense than her current discomfort.

 


“Get all of it boy” I coaxed Pepper. “Clean it allll up.”

 


His large tongue lapped at her cunt for several minutes until most of the peanut butter was gone. Strangely enough, he continued to lick at her meaty folds long after any trace was still visible. I watched as Esther’s breathing became erratic toward the end and after he stopped she looked at me and began whimpering loudly. I held up the jar and she began panting and pawing at it. I took another small scoop and applied it directly onto her clit and cunt lips. Pepper again dove snout first into her pussy and once again she began breathing erratically but was now haunching her cunt upwards against his wide tongue with every lap.

 


I watched intently as her hips rose higher and higher with each stroke of his tongue and every time Pepper’s tongue penetrated her she would grunt in confused pleasure. I observed in what little humanity that still resided behind her eyes, that while she was obviously a little frightened, she was also incredibly aroused. I knew then that she would never again try to stop him and that her instinctual desire for pleasure would eventually lead to more aggressive sexual responses. For now, I was content to let Sergeant Pepper enjoy his “puppyhood” and let the chips fall where they may.

 


I now had my piggy, my hucow and, as a delightful surprise, the new addition of my puppy-girl. My stables were now full and my masterpiece well under way. Each and every tomorrow from then on would be filled with terrifying wonders that only a very select handful of people in the entire world could every truly appreciate.

 

My fulfillment seemed eminent.

4 years ago. June 2, 2020 at 9:17 PM

I am not a black man.

 


I cannot identify with a black man’s struggle in this white washed world. I will never be able to fully comprehend all the difficulties surrounding the day to day life of being a black man in this country.

 


I can, however, accept and own the fact that there is a serious imbalance of power and justice. I can admit that my skin color grants me certain privileges and opportunities that are not inherently given to others. I can clearly see that there are deep and dark rifts in our societal and economic platforms and that there is a very outspoken and continuous influence that perpetually attempts to widen those gaps.

 


I am not a black man but he is my brother.

 


You cannot call someone your brother...you cannot be someone’s ally if you will just stand by unmoved and watch as violence and injustice are constantly perpetrated against those you claim to admire and support.

 


By all means appreciate things not of your culture but do not forget and do not deny the greatness that created those things.

 


Yes, there is a rift between us, my brothers, and it has been hundreds of years in the making. There will be many more struggles to come before we are finally able to bridge this gap and move forward as one United people. I will ALWAYS fight for you and that future but I am only one person with limited resources. I can promise you this though; what I am ABLE to do, I WILL do.

4 years ago. June 2, 2020 at 5:27 PM

There is nothing more important in the entire universe; not material, not ideological, not theological, not even familial; there is nothing more important than being present and aware...

 

Right here...


Right now. 

 

Everything else on the plane of existence will coalesce.

4 years ago. May 27, 2020 at 3:25 AM

When a woman reaches her maximum sexuality output she becomes a force of nature that of which cannot be stopped, tamed or controlled.

Get on board or get out of the way.

4 years ago. May 23, 2020 at 11:37 PM

Oh words where art thou?

 

I’ve placed my hand into the magic old hat as I have done a thousand times before and...pulled..out...cheeseburger.

 

no word good.

 

I pray to the mighty gods of Mount Olympus to send lightning post haste into the bottle of...my...thinker thingy?

 

bad words bad bad bad

 

Brain no work good no more.

 

Darth Vader put bubble gum in my heary things and Ferris Bueller laughed hysterically.

 

The finish part.

4 years ago. May 22, 2020 at 10:34 PM

A word has purpose. It is a single, distinct, meaningful element of speech. We string words along to create a sentence. This takes those separate elements and arranges them in such a way as to create a verbal expression. When we group several related expressions into a mass of supportive statements, thoughts and inquiries we find ourselves at the end of a paragraph...a chapter...a book.


The words you choose will tell the story of you.

 

Choose carefully.