I went to a play party with every intention on talking to the man with the captivating green eyes that I met at the prior munch. As I entered the party a wave of anxiety hit me and the fact that it came out of no where made me a bit dizzy. Prior to arriving the event leader told me if I ever needed a minute I could just pick a room and decompress. I entered that room but it also had a bathroom so an older gentlemen entered shortly after.
Once he emerged he struck up a conversation with me that led to him saying seven words that put my entire night on ice. “ being shy will get you no where” yes he said in BDSM but hearing those first seven words caused hurt and pain to ripple through my body. As an introvert I’ve heard those words more times than I’d like. It’s heart shattering to hear someone say because of your personality you won’t get far. I’ve beat many odds and done many things. The fact that I was even there was a big deal for me. But it still hurt, I have tried to be the life of the party the out going girl the center of attention, not only is it not authentic it’s exhausting I can only keep it up for an hour two max before my social battery is completely drained.
I know the majority of people want a head turning, life of the party center of attention type of women I know I’m not oblivious to the fact. But I also have to believe that someone out there won’t care that I’m introverted it won’t bother them. Because to be that girl the majority of people want would mean to be someone I’m not. No one wants something or someone that isn’t authentic.
Although those words hurt and left an impression I won’t let them detour me. I am who I am I can’t change that I know I tried all of high school and most of college. Me being an introvert doesn’t mean I won’t find a Dom or I can’t be submissive it just means it may take a lot more time but one of my favorite quotes is “Rome was not built in a day but when it was complete it was magical” some journeys are long others are short but each one is unique and different in its own way.
I wish I would’ve stayed but I mingled for a bit, so not to be rude and left shortly after, in the moment those words echoed in my ear and wouldn’t stop which prevented me from doing much of anything. Words hurt and people should be careful how they use them. I’m going to vettings, munches, and play parties and that should count for something.
Another thing that seems to be huge is having a scene at a party. For me this will not happen my first ever scene if I’m lucky enough to have one won’t be in a room full of people my anxiety would shoot through the roof and I’d how an anxiety attack. Of the two parties I’ve been too serval people have been looking to play I decline because not only does it feels like sand is in my mouth but even if it wasn’t. I don’t know if I prefer stingy or thuddy, what my pain tolerance is, how I feel about different toys, blind folds etc etc so if I don’t know how would the Dom/Top/Switch etc... know? They wouldn’t and again I’d much rather not find out in a room/house full of people.
Hurt girl thinking out loud....
