When I was younger I would play this game on the wii with my cousin. Sometimes I still play it. It was Mario Party and it would have mini games. One in particular had five houses that were blue, yellow, green, red, and pink. These little goombas would come running into the houses. The objective of the game was to keep track of all five houses and see which house held the most goombas and to pick that house.
When I was a child I remember thinking. Huh it would be great if emotions worked that way. Each emotions had a house and the amount of goombas represented the amount of energy you gave to each emotions.
From that point on I would practice that as a child. I remember one situation vividly. Growing up my mom didn’t want what she called “the idiot box” the tv to raise us. Well I didn’t watch tv I still don’t for the most part. But my tv was books and it still wasn’t interacting with other kids. So the rules applied to me to two hours on weekdays with books, three hours on weekends and outside of that we played with each other or with friends outside.
So Saturday came and it was a nice day I was six years old and everyone in the apartment complex was at the park across the street having a cookout/party for what exactly or for whom I don’t remember.
I lived in the Bronx so it was a massive park. All the kids decided we would play tag. I would have been fine just sitting on the swing or on a Bench alone. But the moment my mom saw I wasn’t playing with the other kids she would have known what I was trying to do and it would have annoyed her. So instead when all the kids gathered in a circle to discus the rules and the adults told us how far we could go. I felt the park spin everything seemed to be brighter, the smoke from the grills intensified. I remember feeling the urge to run, but being unable to feel my feet, I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come, it was a fight to breathe properly.
So I closed my eyes and pictured the houses all the goombas rushed into happiness and playful. I remember repeating it over and over again happiness and playful happiness and playful. Sometimes it felt like those were the only two emotions I was able to feel as a kid anything else would be unacceptable or an inconvenience. When the person who was deemed “it” was chosen I knew because she began counting, while everyone else dispersed across the park.
I played and ran and no matter how many rounds we did no matter how many breaks we took to eat rehydrate I felt like the day would never end. Once it did and we said our goodbyes and went back to our apartment.
My mom looked at me as my siblings ran into the apartment smiling she told me how proud she was of me and how happy she was that I played with the other kids all day. I remember feeling like I was going to implode and I just wanted to shower and go to bed. I nodded said thank you and headed to the bathroom.
I jumped into the shower and sat down my entire body felt numb it didn’t hurt it just felt numb. Once I made myself wash I got out and when I climbed into my bed with my sister on the opposite side of the room I remember being so happy finally I could sleep for days but I’d accept a few hours. Until she turned on her game boy which I swear was so loud for no reason. I inhaled closed my eyes and thought playful and happiness as I fell into a very annoyed very restless sleep.
It was the first time in my life where I actually played with another kids with no panic attack, I was normal I guess? This memory was brought on because the older I get the better I became at keeping my emotions in those houses and only giving Energy to the ones I know people want to see.
Until yesterday... I was on the phone with someone I’ve talked to for quite sometime with complete ease. Someone I enjoy talking to. All of a sudden out of nowhere it was as if I lost all control that I’ve always had. Those houses were on fire the fire the goombas had become gremlins destroying everything and no matter how many times I closed my eyes no matter how many deep breathes I took I could not get things back in order. I was feeling things I had no right to feel thinking about things that were unrealistic, wanting things that I shouldn’t be wanting. Nothing made sense and I felt like I was drowning.
Through this entire process I was completely silent which isn’t out of the norm for us not every moment is filled with words. What wasn’t normal is when I told him I needed to go. Normally we talk until I go to bed. I felt bad and wanted to continue talking to him but what would I say what if I said something I shouldn’t something that was said in the moment that I couldn’t take back? Would I want to take it back I don’t know. All I did know was that I couldn’t stay on the phone I assured him he had done nothing wrong and hung up. I couldn’t organize my thoughts my emotions for some weird reason everything was all over the place. I had to go and get my houses in order.
I went to bed with a lovely migraine and woke up with that same migraine. Don’t you love it when that happens. However I feel much more in control of my emotions and thoughts and I never want to feel so unorganized again.
